Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Day 4: False Advertisement

A winter wonderland...
Ah, Christmas time.  There is nary a better time of year.  The village is snow covered and smoke rolls out of each chimney as children make perfect snowmen in their yards.  Downtown is all decorated with garland and bright glowing bells on the light posts.  Each store has a wonderful Christmas display, some with fantastic toy trains in the shop window to entertain the joyous children who pass by.  Mothers and Fathers all bundled up, wearing matching North Face jackets, carry wrapped packages down the sidewalk, wishing everyone a Merry Christmas as they pass.  Snow is falling lightly giving the perfect winter evening ambiance to colorful lights surrounding the skating rink.  People are bustling in and out of the local shops, picking up hams and turkeys for their mouth watering Christmas dinner.

Say what?  I have been on this Earth for almost 36 years and the only place I have ever witnessed a scene like this was on the Holiday movies they play on TV during the month of December and I call false advertisement there.  Sure you could be watching these movies on your TV, with a fire roaring in the fireplace, snuggled under the Christmas fleece throw and sipping hot chocolate you made yourself, but all that's doing is giving you delusions of grandeur.  You do not have a fire going in the fireplace because you haven't had the chimney cleaned in six years, the fleece throw you are using has pumpkins and black cats on it from Halloween and unless your name is Swiss Miss, you didn't make your own hot chocolate.

Bullshit...complete and utter bullshit.
Many of you know how tough it is to go shopping with kids.  The Trophy Christmas shops year round for the Minions because it is easier than going all at once and we can usually split them up or we divide and conquer them.  I, however, self inflict pain each year, as I take the Minions Christmas shopping for The Trophy and let me tell you something, there are no quaint little shops outlined in lights and roofs covered with a blanket of fresh white snow.  There are no trains chugging around the tracks and sure as baby Jesus was born in a manger, no one is wishing anyone a Merry Christmas as they pass.  You're lucky if you get eye contact as they shove you out of the way.

Nine years ago, I myself had delusions of grandeur.  I was a new Dad, a proud Dad, a Dad who could do anything and I also only had one Minion to contend with.  I started the tradition of taking him shopping for Mom.  We would buckle into the car and drive off to the mall where I would let him pick out a few things within a certain price range and as a treat he would get an Orange Julius or a pretzel for being such a good kid.  Holy moose knuckles, I was an idiot for starting that tradition.

Now every year, like Pavlov's dog, I take the Minions shopping.  Of course things have changed now, there are no longer Orange Julius or pretzel rewards, in fact they are lucky to get out of the mall alive.  The Minions still get to pick out their own presents for Mom, for example, last year she got a pink bathrobe, a lady bug necklace and some Bath and Body Works lotion (wrong scent by the way) and then I find something that she will like in order to balance the "hand picked" gifts from the Minions.
Royal Rumble or the Mall?  Same difference.
The mall is crowded, the parking lots are nothing but a big slush puddle and of course the people are ever so joyous spending their hard earned money on a game where a dog shits on the board ad you pick it up.  I play that in real life and I don't get prizes for doing it.  The clerks are oh so cheery because they have put in twelve hours and have another six to go, their customers are pains in the asses (I'm in retail, I have sympathy for the clerks) and they haven't eaten a damn thing other than the iced coffee that no longer has ice in it.

I know I'm behind, but what the fajita is this?
You have to fight your way through the aisles, which if you have multiple kids is "wicked easy" (note sarcasm), watch the little bastards closely so they do not knock down a complete Precious Moments display at the Hallmark store (those things are fucking expensive) and wait in line while tugging on the hoods of the three Minions who want to cause mayhem in a different location.  The whole time you are standing there waiting for Grandma Moses to pay by check, you hear off in the distance...jiggity, jig, hee haw, hee haw.

What's not to love about this time of year?

Oh and I need to take matters into my own hands now.  There was a line and that Elf, well he fucking leaped across it last night.  He was caught trying on The Trophy's bras.  I think we stopped him before he started sniffing panties....


  1. "Now every year, like Pavlov's dog..." had me hooting with laughter.

    And is that really a game about getting kids to pick up dog feces?? Have the makers not heard of Toxicariasis??

  2. It it is in fact a game where the dog shits out Play Doh...gotta love America.

  3. This is my favorite of the series thus far. Because you summed up everything I feel and all the reasons I hate Christmas.

    1. Glad I could be the spokesperson for all Grinchs out there.

  4. I couldn't believe the dog shit thing either when I saw the commercial. We can do that here for free as much as we want. I can't seem to interest the kids in the fine art of dog feces removal though...

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