Friday, June 8, 2012

Brain Fart...Literally

My humble apologies to all those who read my blog.  I haven't posted much this week, it's been crazy.  Meetings at work, planning a Cub Scout weekend...may the fleas of a thousand camels infest my armpits...I'm sorry.

Whew, good thing I said armpits...

Anyway, I had a brain fart today...well, actually it came from the lower region.  You see I pack my lunch everyday for work, I rarely buy anything out for a three different reasons.

1.  I am trying to watch my weight, so McWendy's, Taco King and Burger Bell aren't exactly my friends.

2.  It's cheaper, with the three Minions we need to pinch every penny.  No more super vacations for us..at least until I can kick them out when they turn 18.

3.  My wife does the grocery shopping so I need to keep her employed by eating the food.

I will repeat, my wife does the grocery shopping for the family.  She always gets decent things, she knows what we like to eat, it just makes sense to have her in charge of buying the food (the $400 bill at BJ's SUCKS, especially with the three bottomless pit Minions).  My wife knows what to get for my lunches and for the Minion's lunches.

When I pack my lunches I usually have the following because I try to eat every two hours or so:

Turkey or ham sandwich
A couple of apples
Banana
Yogurt
Water
And a few smaller snacks (under 100 calories)

Farter starter
Occasionally I run out of things for my lunch so I can forced to take from the Minion's stash.  Take today for example, I ran out of granola bars so I took one of the Fiber One bars instead, a few more calories but pretty much the same right?  No, no, fucking, no!



 There is no planet, galaxy, dimension or realm that I need extra fiber in my diet.  In fact I probably should have less fiber.  Maybe they can invent a Fiber Minus One bar or in my case a Fiber Remover Bar.  Let's just say if there was any doubt Minion #3 was mine, it has been tossed out the window at this point.  I have passed my gas...no pun intended...onto all three of my Minions but #3 has acquired more of the share.

Are you my Mommy?
So...I work out of my SUV for work and it's a confined space.  Approximately after an hour of eating a Fiber One bar something starts happening in my abdomen region.  The sounds coming out of it were inhuman, something you would hear in a horror movie.  It growled, it rumbled, it crawled up into my brain and told it "Do NOT let this idiot eat a Fiber One bar EVERY again!"  I thought an alien was going to rip open my stomach and emerge. The the rumble went lower....

You know that feeling when you can feel a fart tumble down from your stomach into your anal tubes and you can feel the pressure?  Now, usually when this epidemic happens the first few farts are just blanks, they make noise and warn the people around me but little to no smell.  Then the evil emerges.  This is what happened to me after the Fiber One bar, except that I was the only one who heard the early warning system

Have you ever farted in your car and it made your eyes water?  Yeah, I had to roll the windows down the rest of the day.  Things got worse though, because of the fiber it was a constant flow.

The next time I think to myself, "Hmmm a Fiber One bar is similar to a granola bar.", remind to to bitch slap myself..


13 comments:

  1. Though I am a lady, *ahem* I always feel better and a few pounds lighter after the release of my gaseous emissions.

    And what are they putting in those bars to have that affect?

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    1. Whatever it is....I don't like it.

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  2. I like the term "Farter Starters!" In my house, they are "Fart Bars." The "One" in "Fiber One" is because you will only eat one, and then NEVER buy those bitches again. They taste pretty good, I'll give them that, but the gastrointestinal havoc they unleash is just plain nasty!

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    1. My wife calls them fart bars too LOL

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  3. Does Old Spice make a deodorant that combats fleas from camels? I wonder...
    In any event, for me the eye watering starts as soon as the last spoonful of black bean soup hits my stomach. Hit the dirt!

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    1. Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot. The more you toot, the better you feel, so eat beans with every meal.

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  4. That's the only reason I wear a seat belt in the car. I don't dare open my moon roof, I'd be blasting off for mars. Thanks for dropping by.

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    1. That's why I don't buy cars with sunroofs :-)

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  5. Catching up on comments today. OMGosh thanks for the laugh today. I have a posting coming up for Friday Follow 40 When Infomercials go wrong, after I listened to an after midnight infomercial . :)

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    1. Ironically enough I have one in the hopper about one particular infomercial I say last night...several times. Can't wait to read the post!

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  6. Well, you tell a good yarn. Not sure I enjoyed the topic though. A fiber bar would never have that effect on me. I eat fiber all day and it makes not a jit of difference. So, consider yourself lucky.

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    1. Some of my most popular posts are fart humor...you may not want to venture much further if this bothered you.

      Thanks for the look though!

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  7. Wow!!! When your own farts make your eyes water, that's one hell of an accomplishment. Between you and #3 I'm thinking your wife could probably use a decontaminate tank to save herself from death by toxic gas exposure. At least regular detoxifying spa treatments.

    As for the fiber bars...thank you for saving me from myself with this post. I will definitely NOT be buying these any time in the distant future!

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