Monday, March 23, 2015

Food For Thought

Ah Fakebook, we meet again.  Each time we meet, you irritate me more and more, yet I can't quit you.  Like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to scrolling through and seeing people's posts.  I have mastered the use of the unfollow option and I have even been brave enough to unfriend some people...and it's a liberating feeling.

However there seems to be a new trend that has cropped up on the evil interwebs.  Selfies? Nope, even though no one cares that you THINK you look cute while standing in the same room that you poop.  What color is the dress?  Nah, I can ignore that shit.  Automatic videos?  Nope, even though it is tough to scroll Fakebook in public and the bikini video plays.  It's posting the food you make or eat on Fakebook.  People go out to a restaurant and take a fucking picture of the taco they are about to eat.  Why?  Seriously...why?  It's not like you are at a 5 star gourmet restaurant and the food is aesthetically beautiful and pleasing, it's Taco - fucking - Bell.  It looks the same now as it will in an hour.  How about showing me that big ass plate of nachos you are about to devour by yourself...ooooo, don't forget to put the three beer bottles in the picture too, you drunk.  No. One. Cares.

I don't know if you're trying to make people jealous by posting the slimy sunnyside up eggs and burnt Wonder Bread toast you got at Denny's, but rest one gives a flying monkey fuck.

The same holds true for the food you make at home.  I am sure you are an ah-mazing chef (in your own mind) and your food is truly scrumptious (to your dog) but again, no one really cares that you cook.  No one cares what it looks like when you're cooking it, no one cares what it looks like when you serve it and no one cares what it looks like sitting on the paper plate with your mismatched silverware laying next to it.

Now I know I can't stop people from posting pictures of the crap they make at home but at least let me give you some tips.  First, don't serve the food you slaved over on a Dixie plate.  Nothing says white trash quite like Walmart brand paper plates.  Second, make it look decent.  If you're hell bent on posting food pictures, make it look good.  I've seen better plating at my high school cafeteria.  It looks like you used an ice cream scoop to serve everything and for shit's sake, add some color in there.  White, tan and brown are not eye candy colors.

Also you might want to consider hiding the Hamburger Helper box you made it from.  Made from scratch?  Bullshit, made from scratching your ass is more like it.  Seriously, even if the box is out of the picture, you can still tell that it's Hamburger Helper or Whatever-Meat Helper you just has that look to it, the greyish, sloppy, chunks of meat product and those wide noodles.

*DISCLAIMER - I am not condoning eating these items, I eat them all the time, there is nothing wrong with the food items or how you serve them, we use paper products too, when our sink is overflowing with dishes.  I just don't take photographs of the Trophy's Redneck Surprise.

Do you think Jesus would have posted the Last Supper if the Internet was around back then?  Simple, he wouldn't have.  Even multiplying the fish or bread or whatever and turning water into wine do you think he would have posted that shit?  No, so next time you get a hair across your ass to post your food, stop and think WWJD?  He sure as hell wouldn't post his food pictures.

There...I feel better, I got that off my chest,  While writing this, I had an epiphany, I will counter balance the food posters on Fakebook.  I shall photograph my after meal shits.  Maybe I will make it a regular on my Facebook page or even here on my blog.  Maybe I will call it Saturday Shits or Aftermath Wednesdays.  Maybe Look What I Digested Thursdays.  Hmmmm, I wonder if it would fly.

Who Woulda Thought?


  1. My brother-in-law insists on taking pictures of all his meals. It's infuriating. We're in the middle of a conversation when he pulls out his damn phone. He does it because, "I can look back and see what I had any day and have it chronicled and it helps me remember all the circumstances tied to that meal." To which I say, "fine, for you, but you're also temporarily detached from the moment, and also, you don't have to share it."

    1. No offense but your bother-in-law sounds like a douche nugget...

  2. I'm trying to picture Jesus showing a picture of the Last Supper - hastag #ITasteDelicious .

    Or, no. Wait. #EatMe

    I could do this all day.

    I need to take a pic of me typing these funny jokes and post it in facebook...

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