Tuesday, April 16, 2013

A to Z Challenge: Nowhere Near Me

I think Chewbacca is way cuter.
If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know two things.  First the A to Z Challenge is a pain in my ass and second we really don't watch a ton of TV here in the domicile.  The TV we do watch is usually after the Minions go to bed and then we fall asleep, in fact we were just talking about how the Minions don't allow us to watch movies even when they are asleep because they have made us so tired.

Today's letter is the letter N, as in Nowhere Near Me as in the commercials they show for restaurants are nowhere to be found.  I live in North Central Mass and the restaurant selections are scarce out here needless to say, at least the commercial restaurants, we have a ton of mom and pop diners which I would highly recommend frequenting instead of a chain place, but there are times when they are closed or you want that big greasy dripping with cheese and BBQ sauce burger that you saw on TV...and there in lies the problem...

Some of the commercials for the restaurants you see on TV are no where to be found out here.  I know they can alter the commercials to fit the different geographic locations, we see it all the time.  When we visit the OTHER family down in NY we don't see commercials for Legal Seafood or other Boston based restaurants, we see their local dining fair and don't tell me that it's because they are major cable networks or paid cable networks, I call bull shit on that.  I've seen local car dealer commercials on the History Channel and Food Network.  What's the issue you may ask?  It's simple, when I see an amazing commercial for some incredible burger, I want to try that fucking burger.

Recently Hardee's and Carl Jr.'s have been showing ads up here depicting this enormous Jim Beam Bourbon burger especially Carl Jr.'s ad with Kate Upton..holy fuck nuggets, not only do I want the burger but why don't you just have Kate humping it at the same time?  Problem:  The closest Hardee's is 272 miles away in Myerstown, PA and the closest Carl Jr.'s is...ready for this?...in Shreveport, LOUISANA...fucking LOUISANA!

Yes please on both!

Fuck you Carl's Jr., fuck you.
Red Lobster is another shithead of a restaurant.  Granted it's a lot closer that Hardee's at 76.2 miles in Wethersfield CT, but holy crap on a cracker Batman, I don't want lobster that bad.  Well maybe when they do their all you can eat crab fest, that way I can tell everyone I got crabs.  The only way I would drive that far and not be on a road trip is if they did this...

Who doesn't love pizza?  Even vegetarians love pizza!  Who wouldn't love an all you can eat pizza bar?  CiCi's has such a thing and it's like five bucks...what the fajita?  I can eat all the pizza I want for FIVE BUCKS?  Where do I sign up?  Oh wait...the closest one is Albany NY?  Then why are you tempting me with your delicious pizza?  I hope you choke on a banana pepper you assclowns.

Now there are several other restaurants that are closer and in driving distance but I still don't want to drive more than hour just to go out the dinner.  Come on people get with the program, enlist Kate Upton or at least her cleavage to draw me to your establishment.


  1. What? Dads aren't cool? I'm a grandfather already, and I'm just learning this! Woe is us!

    Blessings and Bear hugs!
    Bears Noting

  2. They don't have any Red Lobsters up here because we have REAL lobsters... Also, we know that they're really greenish-brown.

  3. There is a CiCi's near us here in CNY, and if it makes you feel better the reviews I have heard don't even have me driving the 3.5 miles to get there. I see your point and have experienced the same, but just wanted to let you in on the Cicis info

  4. Cici's was only good for kid's birthday parties. Taking 6 kids there to stuff themselves with pizza and didn't even spend $25? Awesome! I saw was because the one near me closed. Booohoo - not!