The Swass Meter

The Swass Meter measures the gallons of sweat that runs down your crack.

I'm not sure about the rest of the country, mainly because I don't live anywhere else, I am usually concerned with the immediate New England area and no, Eastern New York doesn't count as New England.  The only time I concern myself with other parts of the country is when I am traveling there, otherwise it doesn't affect me.  Here in New England we are having some serious hot days this summer, it's almost been a heat wave ALL summer long!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know summer just started Wednesday.

As a *ahem* fluffy guy, who wears a black uniform and works 90% outside it's slightly less than pleasurable.  The Swass Meter has been at an all time high the past couple of days, which means a couple changes of clothes throughout the day, plenty of H2O and loving the AC in my truck.  I'm sure you have heard of swass or swack as some people prefer to call it.

Swass is shortened for sweaty ass and swack is shortened for sweaty crack.  Here in my neck of the woods my friends and I have been referring to swass as swamp ass since 1994 so for this post swass will be known as swamp ass and swack will not be used.

 The definition of swass (swamp ass) is:  The nasty feeling when your butt crack is sweaty, causing your underwear and pants to stick, or an occasional itching feeling. Ussually caused by elevated tempatures or humidity while working or excessive walking.  Some people will also refer to their grundel area and scrotum as having swass, this is incorrect by definition and we will get into that in a moment.

Nut Stuff!

I am sure everyone has had a case of it, very uncomfortable and hard to remedy.  I have found the best remedy, although not perfect, is good old fashioned Gold Bond Medicated Powder.  DO NOT skimp on the Gold Bond, don't go and get the Equate, Up & Up, or CVS brand, you need the original, yellow bottled, red capped Gold Bond.  I carry that shit around with me in the summer and I am working on making a belt holster for it so I can whip it out like RoboCop.  If you want the extra special tingly feeling, you can get the extra strength Gold Bond.

Now as I was saying, some people claim they have swass in their grundel/scrotum area which in fact they should be referring to it as swalls, swamp balls or sweaty balls.  Gold Bond is the champion of defeating swalls as well.  Fair warning though, if you have swalls and put the Gold Bond on, be prepared for two things.

1.  The instant cooling, tingling and relief that comes with spraying Gold Bond on your nutsack...it feels absolutely wonderful.

2.  The mess that happens when you apply Gold Bond.  There isn't a non-messy way of applying the wonder cure.  Try to avoid dark carpets, black pants and areas where it will be seen.

The Original Swalls Killer.

Another great remedy we have found years back is the automobile air vent, this only works in a car, typically SUVs and trucks have dashboards that are too tall.  What you need to do is freeball in a pair of shorts, sit in the front seat, aim the vent towards your crotchal region and crank up the AC. THE best car I have ever found was a 1989 Mazda MX6, it had a vent that was located right below the steering column...pure genius!

All this talk about swass and swalls...and yes even swack (last time I will use it) got me thinking about different acronyms for similar problems....

Obviously feet sweat, a lot, could we call it sweet?  "Man, I have some serious sweet today, maybe I shouldn't have worn my leather flip flops."  I suppose it's better than plain old sweaty feet...

What about people who don't wear deodorant?  Besides being dirty, smelly, granola farting hippies, they could refer to their sweaty armpits as swits.  "Dude, you have swits so bad it's leaking into my iced Starbucks mocha, focha, fuckalatte."

Do women have a similar problem?  Do they suffer from swussy or if you are a more vulgar person swunt?  Can you put Gold Bond up there?  I would imagine you couldn't for fear of a yeast infection or something.  So how would a woman cure her case of swussy?  I know I have a lot of female readers, inquiring minds want to know...

Do you get swussy and how do you cure it?

Oh an by the way, this is my submission for week two of Dude Write, read the other blogger's blogs and vote for your favorite and of course mine too!

Round two of Dude Write, please vote for me!

Third Place Still Gets A Trophy!

Tied for third place out of 29 contestants?  Yeah, I'll take that!  I just wanted to thank everyone who voted for me and to congratulate everyone who participated in the first Dude Write Challenge!  All of the blog posts were great, but in the end it all comes down to who was on top...kind of like my sex life....oops, too much info.

Congrats to the Six-Fingered Monkey on getting first place with his New Pussy post!  Go and read it, hysterical!

Second place went to Nest Expressed with his 10 Dolls That Haunt Your Child's Dreams post.  Thank the maker I have boy Minions and don't have to worry too much about dolls...not too much...

And in third place was myself YAY ME! and Working Dan who posted about grooming issues in Give Them What They Want.

So with this being said, I am pretty damn proud of myself because there were some professional writers thrown into the challenge too..you know the ones who actually get paid to write...

Ready or not here comes Friday, remember my new Dude Write post will be up on Friday and voting commences after the weekend....I normally don't beg but I am hoping to at least retain third place again...so please vote!

It worked in Shrek...and most people refer me to Shrek....

My Minions Have Minions

I ate a dolphin Steve.  Sorry one of my favorite quotes from the movie Multiplicity.  In our domicile, summer vacation started last week and the Trophy will be busy, to say the least this summer.  Not only does she have our three Minions but she has agreed to help out close friends of ours with watching their kids a few days a week.  She also is planning on having her two nieces up from New York for a couple of weeks and has promised the Minions that they can have friends over during the summer.  Did I mention I work six days a week?  Yeah times like this, six days a week doesn't look too bad.

So we all know the Minions by now....

In order, #2, #1 and #3.

Or if you read their dossiers, you will recognize these pictures:

#1, the Leader of the group

#2, the Hulk of the group.

#3, the hired gun of the group.

Now I have changed their pictures a little bit, as over the past few months their roles have changed slightly, but they are still know as Minions #1, #2 and #3.  They also have Minions of their own too...

The Minion's Minions...

The next two and half months will be interesting to say the least, I fully intend on taking some time off to spend with the family and do somethings around our domicile...and yes, to help out Trophy as well.  But in the meantime we have invited and expected guests invading the domicile starting with Syd Vicious and Gav-Man.

Gav-Man and Syd Vicious

 Not So Top Secret Dossiers

Group Protector
Codename:  Gav-Man
File Name:  C., Gavin  SN:  XXX-XXX-XXXX
D.O.B.:  Unknown  Grade:  E-4
Primary Objective:  Subject hasn't figured that out yet
Super Power:  Ability to tune out adults

Gav-Man has become a Minion through friendship.  He is older than the original Minions by one year.  Normally docile by nature, Gav-Man will protect the group at all costs, including his sister Syd Vicious.  His only weakness is being clumsy.  Gav-Man will surround himself with a type of armor normally to protect himself from...himself.

Group Assassin
Codename:  Syd Vicious
File Name:  C., Sydney  SN:  XXX-XXX-XXXX
D.O.B.:  Unknown  Grade: E-2
Primary Objective:  To date and marry Minion #1
Super Power:  Cuteness and debilitating laugh

Syd Vicious is the younger sister of Gav-Man, they usually come in a package.  Syd Vicious is the closest thing that the Creators will have to a daughter.  Although younger than Minion #1, Syd Vicious has developed a crush upon #1 and intends to continue it.  #1 seems have to taken a liking to this crush as well.  She will eliminate any threat to this group, especially to #1.  Her weaknesses are clothes, jewelery and #1.

So the Trophy was seeing what everyone wanted for lunch today, and the response from Gav-Man and Syd Vicious was, "We're not picky, we'll eat anything."  Trophy decided on chicken nuggets, it's safe, easy and every kid loves chicken nuggets.  Well according to Gav-Man, they only like the dinosaur ones.....the Trophy has the same twitch I get when the Minions act up and it was starting to show.  She took one of the regualr chicken nuggets, took a bite out of it and showed it to the Minion's Minions and said,

"There, now it's a dinosaur chicken nugget."

"How?"

"The dinosaur just ate part of it, now enjoy your lunch."

And they did.

The Land of Hippies, Subarus and Birkenstock

First things first before I tell you about our big Father's Day Adventure I want to make sure everyone goes over to Dude Write and votes for their favorite Dude blog post from this week's lineup.  Don't be biased but by all means vote for me....yaaaayyyy me!

This is the blog you're looking for...

OK, so this weekend was Father's Day and well considering I don't have a Father anymore I wanted to try to block it out of my mind.  Saturday night we were sitting on the deck and decided that we should do a day trip.  We thought of a few different places to go and do things, Cape Cod is only an hour and a half from us, but we're going for a week in August, Boston would be cool, but we're not really city people, New Hampshire is spitting distance and Maine is our usual trip a few times a year, plus it gets costly with the outlets, LL Bean and Cabela's. 

We decided to go to Vermont for the day.  Waterbury/Stowe to be exact, we have done this trip once before and really enjoyed it.  Vermont is a beautiful place, the scenery is straight off of a post card, the people are pretty cool and they take their beer and coffee seriously...very seriously.

The Trophy, Minions and myself headed out around 7:30 AM on Father's Day and within an hour of the trip we had counted 63 Subarus.  Oops, I got a ahead of myself, sorry....the Trophy and I came up with a game the last time we ventured into the Green Mountains, we dubbed it Lesbian or Hippie Subaru Spotting.  The rules are simple, while traveling on the highway, when you come up to a Subaru to pass (you ALWAYS pass the Subarus up there, they run on granola and pine nuts, so they can't go very fast) you need to guess whether the person or people in the Subaru are lesbians or hippies before you pass.  Once the guesses have been made you pass the Subaru, do the "look into the other car thing" and see who wins.  The only stipulation is if it has a rainbow flag sticker, equal sign sticker or an upside down pink triangle you can't guess because it's a dead give away.  But having the Minions this time we decided to play it safe and just count the Subarus we saw.  Within an hour we counted 63, just heading in our direction.

If you look closely at the back hatch, you'll see the rainbow...

If you are ever in Waterury Vermont, there are four places you need to go.  Just the four because other than that, there are cows, cows, maple trees, Life is Good wearing yuppies, cows, cows and Subarus.  The four places are (in no particular order) Ben and Jerry's, Cabot Creamery, Cold Hollow Cider Mill and Green Mountain Coffee.  There are a few other pretty cool places like the Alchemist Cannery and Lake Champlain Chocolates but for the sake of this blog I choose the first four.

Ben and Jerry's - Besides giving free ice cream and tours to Dad's on Father's Day, they have the best fucking ice cream....period.  My personal favorite is Chubby Hubby, because they named it after me of course.  This place is pretty cool, 90% of the facility is free, the tour is cheap and the hot blonde chick gives you free ice cream samples of a flavor that hasn't been released yet and there is the flavor graveyard. 



Cabot Creamery - It was actually the outlet store, the creamery itself was kind of boring but the store was cool.  They feed you lots of cheese, all kinds of cheese and as many samples as you want.  I felt like Steve Urkel in there.  There is one problem though, Minion #3 loves cheese and he was chowing on spicy cheese, jalapeno cheese, cheddar cheese, cheese popcorn...well let's say first he ate it and then he cut it...A LOT.  I thought the chili was a bad idea, good thing he is too young to drink beer...I'll get to that in a minute.

Cold Hollow Cider Mill - I kind of have a soft spot in my heart for places like this, it's how a grew up watching people make cider, old fashioned farm equipment and growing up I MADE maple syrup...forty gallons of sap makes one gallon of syrup.  It's a cool family farm.



Green Mountain Coffee - Like I said before, Vermonsters (what they call themselves), take their coffee VERY seriously.  They give you free coffee everywhere, at rest stops, restaurants, everywhere.  The even make you chew the coffee beans like dip.....

As a guy and the fact it was Father's Day, I wanted to check out some breweries.  Vermont loves it's beer and for very good reason, they make some freaking good beer.  I went to a couple of breweries yesterday, the Alchemist Cannery, which is just starting out and makes some awesome beer, but sold out for the weekend and Magic Hat.  Magic Hat is awesome, you go there, wander around the self guided tour, show your ID and you drink free beer.  How awesome is that?  I bought a pair of those disguise glasses and went seven or eight times....yeah, no, the Trophy didn't want me getting too drunk, I guess people frown upon drinking and driving and they get REALLY bitchy when you have kids in the car, I mean shit, they weren't drinking.

Their slogan is Wanna Get Head?

So headed back home we were in need of some coffee, it's a three hour ride home so caffeine was in order.  Remember when I said Vermont takes it's coffee seriously?  Well they only take it seriously on Sunday up until 5:00 PM.  Everything shuts off like a light switch around there on Sundays, but, alas, there is always the old stand by Dunkin Donuts.  Any New Englander will attest to having a Dunkin Donuts within a five mile radius of your house.  Not in Vermont....did you know that there are something like 12 DDs in the state and they are spread out pretty sparse.  Now being from Massachusetts, our Dunkin Donuts are open late, even 24 hours, but up there they close at 7 PM....seven fucking PM!

Well we made it home and had a really fun day, it is so worth the trip to hang out in Vermont for the day, oh and when all was said and done, we saw 168 Subarus, not counting the three dealerships we passed.  I think it was a 60/40 split of lesbians to hippies.

Yes, this is really the maple syrup logo up there....

Kiss My Daddy Ass

I will send you back a few months to my A Dad Trapped In A Mommy Blog World.  Go...read it...I'll wait.

Done?  Great, welcome back, grab yourself a beer and sit down for this one.  So, I still find myself a Dad trapped in a Mommy blog world and it keeps getting bigger.  I am amazed that in a short period of time I have had 3500 views and developed 21 followers.  I have been awarded for my blog and the comments keep rolling in.  My most viewed post is about taking a shit and then followed closely by two posts about mishaps in my life.  This tells me that people enjoy reading about my family's pooping habits and relish when I have a bad day.  That's a good thing because I will never be out of material for my blog.

As I said though, I am still trapped in a Mommy blog world and that is starting to disturb me.  It disturbs me because in this world the Mommies get the credit for everything and the Dad's (or Hubs, Hubby or Dumbass as some call them) get shit on and made out to be an incompetent idiot who can't do anything right except for dragging his knuckles and drinking beer and even if Mommy has a rough day, she still comes out looking like a superhero.

Obviously this is not just in the blogosphere but trickles into Fakebook as well.  We won't go down that path as it has been beaten to death about Fakebookers.  I follow a few blogs and it is a combination of sarcastic, ranting Moms and the over dramatic, look what I did all day long and still got dinner on the table because I am the epitome of a minor deity.  For the sake of not having to retype these I will call them Team Awesome and Team Shut The Hell Up.

With that being said I have joined a challenge/competition/man cave group called Dude Write. This is to show the people in the blogosphere that there are more than Mommy Blogs out there.  It's kind of like the Original Star Wars Trilogy were the small band of Rebels fight the Empire, with the Dads being the small band of Rebels and the Mommies being the Galactic Empire.

I am submitting my Did You Spray In There? post for my first submission as most people have enjoyed that particular one.  After this each submission will be and has to be an original.  Wish me luck!

I am not taking ANYTHING away from the Mommy Blogs I read, because they are awesome but the time has come to show the world that the Dads out there can be just as funny, witty and parentable (new word I made up) as the Galactic Empire of Mommies.

Go and check out me and the fellas over at Dude Write or click the cool little button right below.  Enjoy!

What To Do?

Ever have one of those days?  You know the type of day I'm talking about, you wake up late, you forget your coffee at home, it's raining, you get stuck in traffic because if someone throws a wet sponge on the highway out here all drivers become instantly brain dead and the place you got lunch from fucked it up.

It's the day before summer vacation in our town and let's just say Minion #1 is beyond ready to start his summer vacation.  Of course Minion #2 is jealous because #1 gets a vacation...yet #2 doesn't grasp the concept that he has been on a summer vacation for five years now.  #3 joins in the animosity even though he has no clue what-so-ever why he is being a whiny little turd.  My wife is in for a fun time this summer...the Minions are putting the FU in fun.

Hear no, See no and Speak no...bullshit.

As I was saying, I came home, we have a mudroom before you enter our house to dump our shoes, coats and everything else that the Minions feel the need to drop there, as I entered the first door I could tell it was going to be a fan-fucking-tastic night.  How could I tell that you ask?  Simple, if I can hear the blood curdling screeches coming from the Minions and the over powering yells coming from my wife, I know I should head back out and try coming home again.

Dad!  Mom fed #3 chili again!

My wife was leaning on the counter with her head in her hands, #1 was eating his dinner moody as usual, #2 was attempting to eat his dinner (he tends to get more food on the table than in his mouth, he's kind of a spaz like that) and #3 was smiling and giggling eating his dinner.  I looked and saw that they were eating the left over buffalo chicken chili I had made the night before.  I asked my wife if she had lost her mind, feeding #3 not only chili, but BUFFALO goddamn chicken chili.  The world is supposed to end on December 21 this year, but feed #3 something like this and he could possibly let one good fart rip and stop the earth from spinning on its axis.

So after much yelling, pushing and one punch to the head (from each other, not us) the three Minions were sent to shower, brush their teeth and go to bed.  While they were getting ready for bed, which is quite the ordeal by the way and can possibly have its own post, my wife and I had a conversation that combined about four conversations that we have had in the past.

"I tried telling you we could have left them in LL Bean while we were in Maine."

"No, they know how to survive in the wilderness, not how to handle the Minions."

"Yeah, true.  What's the cutoff age at the baby-safe haven drop off sites, you know like at the hospitals?"

"I think they need to be newborns."

"Shit, we could have started over and made better ones."

"Well you know it's the man's fault when something goes...wrong."

"Wait, how can the men get blamed for what happens in there, all we do is take thirty to sixty seconds of your time, fire in hole and plant the seed.  You are the ones who cook it for nine months, we have no control over what happens in there after the initial squirt."

"Ugh, do I really have to explain this again, didn't you take biology in school?"

"I went to a vocational school you know that, besides you are the ones who can overcook or under cook them.  Look we have one of each!  #1 came out when the timer went off, #2, well let's say stayed in there a little too long and #3 could use a little more baking."

"Whatever, what do you want for dinner?"

"Peace and quiet?"

"You know, we make fun of the parents who send their kids to camp all summer long..."

"Yeah...and?"

"Well if we saved enough money, we could have a really relaxing summer next year."

"...."

"What?  Not a good idea?"

"Actually, that may have been the most brilliant thing you've ever said."

"You're right it was a stup...wait, what did you say?  I'm brilliant?"

"Don't push it..."

Welcome to my life....

Words With Friends

Words That Can Suck My Left Nut

I now know why they call this sadistic game Words With Friends, once you play it you have plenty of words with your friends.  Words like You Suck, Eat Shit and That's Not Even A Real Word!

I started playing WWF out of morbid curiosity and have only won twice.  I've probably played at least thirty games...they should change the name of Words With Friends to What The Fuck Word Is That? or Go Fuck Yourself, You're Not My Friend Anymore. It's like Scrabble on steroids.

My first game I played I thought I was doing well with the words I was playing, the score was close and then it happened.  My opponent put down a ridiculous word that was worth 89 points and crushed my game.  Eh, whatever, I can rematch and try again.  This time I won!  With one win under my belt I was confident....

That's right, call 911 bitch, I am murdering you!

Actually I was cocky, I felt like I could take on anyone.  Words With Friends was a simple game that I had mastered without an issue.  I challenged four friends at a time, thinking that I could easily render them futile and begin my reign as the WWF Champion...wrong.

I might as well have been playing words like "cat" and "mom" compared to the words that were popping up from my so-called friends.  They were playing words like "yautia" and "fermi".  Even as I just typed those words, Firefox put the little red line under them and does not recognize them as words...what the hell?

If you can't say it, it's not a word....

I was dying, how did these people I have known for a long time suddenly become Stephen Hawking and Webster himself?  I know I am not the smartest guy around but I do consider myself up there in the brain category when it comes to my friends...meaning we are all about the same IQ level.  I was getting pissed, frustrated and dumb.  What was their strategy?  How were they coming up with these words from an ancient language?  Then it hit me, they must be just tossing letters up there and seeing if it makes a word...very clever....

Slut is too a word...

Well that didn't work....I got more pissed because when I saw something that could possibly be a word WWF said "What are you?  Some kind of inbred wombat?  There's no such word as reghe, but your friend is correct with his 68 point arryihing word.....dumbass."  Stop mocking me Words With Friends, I won the 6th Grade Spelling Bee dammit!  I beat Sarah B. to become the champion, I know how to spell!


Then I found out that there are cheats and apps that play the game for you.  Yeah, that's what was going on, you can put the letters you have in your pile into a calculator and it will tell you the best ones to use to form a word.

Well doesn't that just take the wind out of your sails, you have to depend on artificial intelligence to play a game of juiced up Scrabble?  You're pitiful.  You're a sad individual.  I will not stoop to your level, I will continue to get my ass handed to me each and every game playing words that I learned in 1st grade.  Now, excuse me, my iPad just chriped saying I had a WWF move to do...let me see here, oh, come on!  I call bullshit on this one, isn't ganef the wizard from The Lord of the Rings and how is it worth 36 points?  Eat shit Words With Friends, eat shit.

Something I won't be saying anytime soon....

Brain Fart...Literally

My humble apologies to all those who read my blog.  I haven't posted much this week, it's been crazy.  Meetings at work, planning a Cub Scout weekend...may the fleas of a thousand camels infest my armpits...I'm sorry.

Whew, good thing I said armpits...

Anyway, I had a brain fart today...well, actually it came from the lower region.  You see I pack my lunch everyday for work, I rarely buy anything out for a three different reasons.

1.  I am trying to watch my weight, so McWendy's, Taco King and Burger Bell aren't exactly my friends.

2.  It's cheaper, with the three Minions we need to pinch every penny.  No more super vacations for us..at least until I can kick them out when they turn 18.

3.  My wife does the grocery shopping so I need to keep her employed by eating the food.

I will repeat, my wife does the grocery shopping for the family.  She always gets decent things, she knows what we like to eat, it just makes sense to have her in charge of buying the food (the $400 bill at BJ's SUCKS, especially with the three bottomless pit Minions).  My wife knows what to get for my lunches and for the Minion's lunches.

When I pack my lunches I usually have the following because I try to eat every two hours or so:

Turkey or ham sandwich
A couple of apples
Banana
Yogurt
Water
And a few smaller snacks (under 100 calories)

Farter starter

Occasionally I run out of things for my lunch so I can forced to take from the Minion's stash.  Take today for example, I ran out of granola bars so I took one of the Fiber One bars instead, a few more calories but pretty much the same right?  No, no, fucking, no!



 There is no planet, galaxy, dimension or realm that I need extra fiber in my diet.  In fact I probably should have less fiber.  Maybe they can invent a Fiber Minus One bar or in my case a Fiber Remover Bar.  Let's just say if there was any doubt Minion #3 was mine, it has been tossed out the window at this point.  I have passed my gas...no pun intended...onto all three of my Minions but #3 has acquired more of the share.

Are you my Mommy?

So...I work out of my SUV for work and it's a confined space.  Approximately after an hour of eating a Fiber One bar something starts happening in my abdomen region.  The sounds coming out of it were inhuman, something you would hear in a horror movie.  It growled, it rumbled, it crawled up into my brain and told it "Do NOT let this idiot eat a Fiber One bar EVERY again!"  I thought an alien was going to rip open my stomach and emerge. The the rumble went lower....

You know that feeling when you can feel a fart tumble down from your stomach into your anal tubes and you can feel the pressure?  Now, usually when this epidemic happens the first few farts are just blanks, they make noise and warn the people around me but little to no smell.  Then the evil emerges.  This is what happened to me after the Fiber One bar, except that I was the only one who heard the early warning system

Have you ever farted in your car and it made your eyes water?  Yeah, I had to roll the windows down the rest of the day.  Things got worse though, because of the fiber it was a constant flow.

The next time I think to myself, "Hmmm a Fiber One bar is similar to a granola bar.", remind to to bitch slap myself..

I Wear A Target

Something hit me today while I was standing in line at the grocery store today, well more specifically standing in line at the grocery store wearing my work uniform.  I have a job, like many other people, that require you to wear a uniform with the company logo on it.  The logo is inevitably a target for morons.  However, it's never been a huge issue to me except for a few instances where people are either A) Completely rude or B) Completely stupid. Let me explain...

I am standing in line at the grocery store like I had previously mentioned and the person in front of me turned around, like most of us do, to see who got into line behind them.  He looked at me and then at the logo on my jacket and back at me.

As I Get Older...This Is What I Become

"So, you work for ________?"

(No shit for brains, I just wear the jacket because it's stylish) "Yes I do."

"Huh....I went there a few months ago and got a price from you guys."

(Well whoopty-fucking-doo) "Oh, cool, thanks for shopping with us."

"The place down the road beat you guys by $20, HA, how's that make you feel?"

(Really assclown?  You're going to assault me about the company I work for because you're a fucktard?) "Ah, sorry about that, but did you know that if you had brought your quote from them we would have beat their price by 5%?"

"Oh, well, I didn't want to run around all day."

(Well that's your problem fuck face, you dildo munching wombat.) "Well keep that in mind for next time, you're up in line by the way." (Seeing you have been trying to feel better about yourself by trying to tear me down to your level the whole time we've been in line.)

Then there is the letter B.  Same scenario...

"Do you work for _______?"

(Sigh, can I punch you in the ovaries?) "Yes I do."

"Oh cool, I need to purchase some things from you, what is the price of ____ for my car?"

(Gee, let me run over to the local store and get that price for you) "Um, what size do you need?"

"It's for a 1999 Ford Escort, I think they are...."

"Ma'am in all honesty, the best thing to do is go into your local store and the sales people there can give you exact pricing.  (I don't have my sales book on me while I am getting milk, diapers and hemorrhoid cream at Shaw's.)

That person was just stupid.

Think about it...wait first, if you have ever done that to someone and it wasn't at their place of employment, I want you to walk out your front door, lie down in the middle of the road and wait for the next semi truck to run you over, you inconsiderate assloaf.  Sorry, so where was I...oh yeah, think about it for a minute, you're walking down the RIGHT side of the mall and you run into the following:

A Stand Up Comic (THE Best By The Way)

"Hey, can you make me laugh?  I need to laugh right now."  Probably not, ask for his autograph, sure, but he's not on stage so why would you expect him to do his routine for you? 

A Soldier - Thank You!

"I know you probably just got off of drill weekend or even just got back from 18 months overseas, but I hear you guys are tough sonsofbitches, can you show me how many pushups you can do?"  No dillweed, you thank them for their service and let them be.

A Server - DON'T Piss Them Off

(This one's for you Heather) -  "Oh excuse me miss?  I know the restaurant you work at isn't even remotely close to here, but could you tell me the early bird specials?"  Maybe she hasn't even been to work yet so she doesn't know Tuesday's specials or even worse, maybe she just got off her shift and the customers were rude, obnoxious and lousy tippers.  The last thing she wants to do is to recall her shitty work night.

A Clown - Feel Free To Kick Him In The GoNads

Well, yes you have permission to piss of a clown, those creepy, cotton ball squishing, grease paint wearing, bowling pin juggling, little car driving freaks.  Piss them off all you want.

My point is this, would you want to be bugged by some stranger about work on your day off or while you were rushing through Target getting cold medicine for the three sick Minions in the house, it's the last thing you would want, so don't do it to someone who happens to have to wear a uniform for work.

Screw Crabs, I Got Lobsters

Now that summer is upon us, the onslaught of summer commercials is upon us too.

I call bullshit on this one...not a SUV.

Car manufacturers, boasting that you can go EVERYWHERE with their SUV and do EVERYTHING because you drive their SUV.  I beg to differ, you cannot go EVERYWHERE because of border laws and a pesky little thing call an ocean and you cannot do EVERYTHING because they have not invented a flying car yet.

What they neglect to tell you is that you can't afford to do anything other than take your kids to the local duck pond to feed the water fowl because you now have a $600 a month car payment and you drained your bank account putting a down payment on the SUV.

Look!  It's the Dumbass Family!

Local attractions have been advertising heavily as well, amusement parks, museums, sports teams.  They all have the same "Family Pack" where you can save $1.00 a ticket when you purchase a Family of Four Pack...well that's great, but what if you are a Family of Five like me?  We're fucked I guess.  We wouldn't want to go to those places anyway, even if we did save the money on the "Family Pack" we would blow our entire weekly paycheck on food and trinkets.  Not to mention their parking fees.

 "Five hotdogs, three large sodas and a large order of french fries please."
(The Minions will eat their own dogs, but we can't give them too much liquid, #3 is potty training and #2 pisses his bed when he has too much liquid, they're like the Gremlins with the rules.)

 "That will be $150.26." 

 "Never mind give me one hotdog, one small soda, (you have refills right?) and skip the french fries."  

 "Yes sir, that will be $145.26."

They force you to buy the bigger packages and sizes because it doesn't make sense to get the less expensive items.  Well played asshats, well played.

I didn't come here to talk about that though, the one type of commercial that blows my mind each summer is the lobster commercial.  Everyone and their mom have lobster now and they all advertise it.  D'Angleo's has their "famous" lobster roll for like $19.99, 99 offers two types of lobster rolls, buttered and mayo based.  Even Longhorn Steakhouse, not Longhorn Seafoodhouse, is offering a lobster stuffed steak.  Every chain restaurant has some sort of "super duper, colossal" lobster sandwich or dish and this doesn't count the copious amount of fish fries and clam shacks that line the roads of every New England coastal town, which by the way is THE only way to get your seafood fix.

My question is this....if every place offers lobsters, why is lobster so fucking expensive?

It's a lobster orgy...can lobsters get crabs?

It's not endangered, especially in New England.  You can catch them rather easily, it's like the old "place a piece of cheese in the box propped up with a stick to catch the mouse" trick, they are dumb as a box of rocks.  Why do they cost $5.99+ a pound?  They have a shell that counts for a good percentage of the weight, you can't eat the whole thing what with the green goop and all.  If you order it boiled, you have to work your ass off to get to the meat and deal with the beady little eyes staring at you.  I supposed you burn calories when eating a lobster because of the workout you get, but then you drown the meat in butter so that cancels that out.

This is another barbaric feasting ritual that humans partake in and we call ourselves civilized.  If there was a Barbaric Feasting Festival or B.F.F. if you will it would showcase lobster, ribs, whole chickens and beer to wash it down.  Think about it, when you order a lobster and it gets delivered to your table you get the lobster, one roll, a tarp to protect your clothes (because you're the dumbass who wore white) and a tool set consisting of industrial strength pliers to crack the exoskeleton , an iron pick to dig out the meat tucked in the crevices and a pitch fork to rip the meat away from the exoskeleton.  I'm surprised OSHA doesn't require safety glasses, fire resistant gloves and hearing protection with every purchase of a lobster.

It's like going to the dentist...or a woodworking shop.

I like lobster and I get it one to two times a year but I have only ordered the whole beast twice.  The first time was when I was much younger and it arrived staring me down, I freaked out and had my Mom bust up the scary crustacean for me and the second time was when I was twenty.  A small group of use went out to dinner and I decided to give the crustacean challenge a shot again.  I failed miserably and no, I didn't have someone else bust the lobster up for me, I did however gouge the eyes off the thing because it kept staring at me.  It was a fiasco, shrapnel went flying everywhere, showering the other patrons in sharp red bits.  The waiter lost an eye from a rouge claw that I sent flying his way and I am still apologizing to the six year old that I covered in the green shit that you find inside.

I only get lobster in a roll, tail or my personal favorite, the Lazy Man's Lobster or "I'm Too Much of a Spaz Braking The Lobster I Need To Get It This Way" Lobster.  This way you get not only the lobster, without the effort but you also get the pounds of butter built in.  It comes with bread crumb topping and drowned in butter.  Not only do you get a roll, you get a salad as well to offset the fat ass dish you just ordered.  It's fantastic!

Getting back to my original question, why is lobster so expensive if everyone sells it now?  Shouldn't the cost be down because of the whole supply and demand concept?  It used to be served to prisoners back in the 1700 and 1800s, it's called the cockroach of the ocean and Bear Grylls can harpoon one from a makeshift spear made of a sharpened clam shell, seaweed and a bamboo stick.

Yes...I have a man crush on Bear Grylls.

Ah the joys of living in New England, summertime and the leaf peepers in the Fall...fuck them in the ass with a giant garden hoe, wait until September/October.