Wednesday, June 13, 2012

What To Do?

Ever have one of those days?  You know the type of day I'm talking about, you wake up late, you forget your coffee at home, it's raining, you get stuck in traffic because if someone throws a wet sponge on the highway out here all drivers become instantly brain dead and the place you got lunch from fucked it up.

It's the day before summer vacation in our town and let's just say Minion #1 is beyond ready to start his summer vacation.  Of course Minion #2 is jealous because #1 gets a vacation...yet #2 doesn't grasp the concept that he has been on a summer vacation for five years now.  #3 joins in the animosity even though he has no clue what-so-ever why he is being a whiny little turd.  My wife is in for a fun time this summer...the Minions are putting the FU in fun.

Hear no, See no and Speak no...bullshit.

As I was saying, I came home, we have a mudroom before you enter our house to dump our shoes, coats and everything else that the Minions feel the need to drop there, as I entered the first door I could tell it was going to be a fan-fucking-tastic night.  How could I tell that you ask?  Simple, if I can hear the blood curdling screeches coming from the Minions and the over powering yells coming from my wife, I know I should head back out and try coming home again.

Dad!  Mom fed #3 chili again!
My wife was leaning on the counter with her head in her hands, #1 was eating his dinner moody as usual, #2 was attempting to eat his dinner (he tends to get more food on the table than in his mouth, he's kind of a spaz like that) and #3 was smiling and giggling eating his dinner.  I looked and saw that they were eating the left over buffalo chicken chili I had made the night before.  I asked my wife if she had lost her mind, feeding #3 not only chili, but BUFFALO goddamn chicken chili.  The world is supposed to end on December 21 this year, but feed #3 something like this and he could possibly let one good fart rip and stop the earth from spinning on its axis.

So after much yelling, pushing and one punch to the head (from each other, not us) the three Minions were sent to shower, brush their teeth and go to bed.  While they were getting ready for bed, which is quite the ordeal by the way and can possibly have its own post, my wife and I had a conversation that combined about four conversations that we have had in the past.

"I tried telling you we could have left them in LL Bean while we were in Maine."

"No, they know how to survive in the wilderness, not how to handle the Minions."

"Yeah, true.  What's the cutoff age at the baby-safe haven drop off sites, you know like at the hospitals?"

"I think they need to be newborns."

"Shit, we could have started over and made better ones."

"Well you know it's the man's fault when something goes...wrong."

"Wait, how can the men get blamed for what happens in there, all we do is take thirty to sixty seconds of your time, fire in hole and plant the seed.  You are the ones who cook it for nine months, we have no control over what happens in there after the initial squirt."

"Ugh, do I really have to explain this again, didn't you take biology in school?"

"I went to a vocational school you know that, besides you are the ones who can overcook or under cook them.  Look we have one of each!  #1 came out when the timer went off, #2, well let's say stayed in there a little too long and #3 could use a little more baking."

"Whatever, what do you want for dinner?"

"Peace and quiet?"

"You know, we make fun of the parents who send their kids to camp all summer long..."


"Well if we saved enough money, we could have a really relaxing summer next year."


"What?  Not a good idea?"

"Actually, that may have been the most brilliant thing you've ever said."

"You're right it was a stup...wait, what did you say?  I'm brilliant?"

"Don't push it..."

Welcome to my life....


  1. I never really thought about it from a guy's perspective. When you guys come home and hear us yelling and the kids freaking out...shit. That must take a little closed eyed, head lowered, meditative, NFL style inner pep talking to get yourself in the door to be able to muster a "Hi Honey, I'm home!" Cause the minute you guys walk in, you get a kid shoved in your face and "AWwww Riiiickyyyy!! Here! I'm going craaazzyyy!!! Waaahhh!!!" And on another note: Buffalo Chicken Chili recipe, pretty please. I think we need a WWT foodie post!

  2. You and your missus ROCK!!

  3. Loved the post. I don't want to be a party pooper but once you have kids, it will always be like that. Yeah they get older and move out and for like 5 minutes there is peace and quiet and then they start spitting out grand kiddies and the cycle just keeps repeating. :) My 3 y/o grand kiddie who got up before the roosters even crow told me "Maw Maw I big now, so I say shit" No clue where he even heard that word, hmmm :)

  4. Mod mom - I can certainly give you the buffalo chicken chili recipe and maybe a WWT? food post is in order...hmmm

    Lily - yeah she is a pretty neat person, guess that's why we've been together for (counting fingers, oh shit taking shoes off now) 13 years.

    Double G - oh I'm not a rookie at this. Once they have grand kids, I can give them back once I'm done with them.

  5. Kevin, it's so nice to know I'm not the only one who has those days, and that my son isn't the only child who's farts should be classified weapons which threaten global harmony. However, I'd gladly trade my teenage daughter for all three of your minions!