Maybe because it's February in New England, maybe it' because we have been buried under a three foot blanket of snow or maybe it's the fact that I need a vacation but things have been bugging the shit out of me a lot lately. Take the other morning for example...
I woke up for work like I always do and did my morning ritual in the bathroom, you can read about it HERE. After I got dressed I headed into the kitchen like I always do and it hit me, there are a ton things that I encounter on a regular basis in there that bug the ever living shit out of me and I'm not talking the normal dishes in the sink or the last drop in the ice tea container types of things either.
What the hell is with the white crusty shit that falls off the neck of the milk jug? Does that crap drive anyone else nuts or just me? We buy our milk in plastic gallons (we really should invest in a cow the way the Minions drink it) and every single one of them have this flaky, crusty white shit that builds up under the cap on the neck of the jug. When you take the cap off the shit falls on the counter or into your cup. While we're talking about crunchy crap...
I despise crunchy crap in my bread. This has been a peeve of mine for years and don't get me wrong, I enjoy bread, in fact, I love bread but what I can't stand is when people put nuts and twigs and shit in it. No, no, fucking no. Leave the crunch to crust of the bread and keep the inside nice and soft. It's like eating your eggs and finding an egg shell in them, it just sets me off.
Why bother putting the asses on the bread? No one eats them and they sit in your bread box until you have a science experiment with them. There's two of them in each package too! Everyone opens the bread, fondles the end piece like a cheap hooker and grabs the regular slices of bread and then when the superior slices are gone the last end sits in the plastic bag like an old person in a nursing home, everyone pretends not to see them and there it waits to die.
I have lots more to complain about but I wouldn't have anything left over for future blog posts! Thanks to Lori for inviting me to the Pity Party!
Welcome to my Theme Thursday post, at first I was excited because I thought it said C.P.K. and I could go off on Cabbage Patch Kids but then I read it again and it was different.
The other night The Trophy and I went on a date for her birthday, alone, with no Minions. We enjoyed a couple of adult beverages without fear of judgement from other patrons, we ordered food that we wanted to eat and the best part was...we ordered dessert. While we were at the restaurant we were attune to other people's kids or like the title says O.P.K.
Joking around at first, whenever a kid cried or got loud, we said to ourselves, hey someone shut that kid up but then we started realizing that kids are fucking obnoxious when you are trying to enjoy a night out together. They scream when they don't get the ranch dip with their chicken tenders, they whine because they have to sit for an extended period of time and they don't fucking care about the other people around them. Kids are little assholes when out in public.
We did something we never get a chance to do without the minions, we went shopping. We were able to go to Target and look at the things we wanted to look at, we went to Dick's Sporting Goods and were able to try on jackets and other things without the "This is boring" sighs and looks. While in these places we noticed O.P.K.s as well and they were over the top annoying.
Then we had the lingering question...are our kids seen like that when we go out? The answer is yes, yes they are. Despite the amount of "shushes" and "turn arounds" our kids are probably looked at like miniature ass nuggets and there is nothing you can do about it aside from the leave the Target cart filled with stuff in the aisle and leave the store...yes we have done that.
What is comes down to is your kids and O.P.K.s are going to be ass nuggets, it doesn't matter, don't be ashamed or embarrassed, go on with your meal or shopping. It's the people without kids that are making the scene but they need to remember one thing, they were once little ass nuggets too.
This is pretty ingenious actually, more places should do it.
Part of the unwritten Blogger Code is that blogging is a two way street, as a blogger you write and enjoy having people read what you write and then there is the opposite lane where you are supposed to read what other bloggers write. I have been heading down a one way street on this and for that I apologize.
I haven't kept up on the reading part of the fictitious code, I have been writing but I haven't been reading as much as I should and I feel bad about it. I subscribe to some awesome blogs (hence why I subscribe to them) and I genuinely enjoy reading them...when I have time. There lies the catch. I can write a blog post in twenty minutes flat and honestly I have many posts pre-written and waiting in the hopper so it's been easy for me to spit out a new blog post, but as for reading them, I just haven't had time. I can make a million excuses why I haven't had time but you've heard them all so I will just leave it at I haven't had time.
With that said I want to give a shout out to some of the bloggers I follow regularly and really, REALLY enjoy reading. If you haven't checked them out yet, what the hell are you waiting for?
So go an check these funny ass mo-fos out and follow them on Twitter and like them on Facebook, they are all attention whores so they will love you long time. Not that I had my confession and thankfully there was no priest involved this time it's time to tell you how awesome I am...again.
I've been presented with some more blogger awards from Sleepy Bard at the Insomniac's Dream and for that I am appreciative but I haven't posted them...yet. You see I am waiting for Dan to get back on the grid to make our acceptance speeches, but rest assured the time will come.
However what I wanted to make mention of is Aiming Low has featured me a guest blogger for the third time now, they must like me or something! For those who don't know what Aiming Low is, it is a community of bloggers who are "Perfectly Mediocre", it says so right on their page. Don't believe me, well here's proof...
Yup that's me in the middle, under Your Awesomeness.
I'm pretty proud of this accomplishment and I hope their readers enjoy what I write about. This time around was an unpublished piece of work, so head on over THERE and read it! While over there let me direct you to the two other posts they featured:
In closing, I apologize to the blogs that I follow that I haven't read them lately but times are a changing and it is slowing down for me outside of the blogosphere.
Some people call it Valentine's Day, I call it Thursday. I'm a firm believer that Valentine's Day was created by the card and candy companies with the thought of screwing more money out of the general public.
Now I'm not against Valentine's Day because I'm anti-love, you've been reading my blog long enough to know I love the Trophy, I just don't see a reason that I have to prove my love to her on one specific day by spending a buttload of money. I'm against Valentine's Day because of the pressure.
There is an obscene amount of pressure on a guy on Valentine's Day, not completely on a husband but more so on the boyfriend. I remember being a boyfriend in high school and in college, stressing out about what to get my girlfriend for V.D. (yeah, we'll call it V.D. because it fits). Back then the choices were fairly simple, go to Sears and Roebuck and pick out a nice shiny $10 cubic zirconia necklace or head to Cumby's and pick up a rose sitting next to the register. Then off to Caldor to pick out a V.D. card and you're done. But nowadays, holy crap on a cracker!
The pressure that these poor schlubs have on them to buy the perfect V.D. gift is staggering and the holiday has turned into a woman's holiday. I mean it's always been more about the lady, but now the commercials and ads you see are all about her and if the boyfriend doesn't get her the right gift he's a shitbrick. The average guy spends almost $190 on this stupid day and here's the best part, the woman spends half of that on the guy. They are getting screwed, well actually that's what the guy is hoping will happen by spending $190 on his girlfriend.
Some of the gift ideas are ridiculous as well but the companies spin them as great gift ideas....
The Vermont Teddy Bear Co. - I've been there before, we took a trip to Vermont and took a tour of the company. There is no reason that a teddy bear should cost more than the trip itself. If you are going to do the teddy bear thing, go to Walmart, buy a $5 bear and some baby clothes and save yourself some money. Just don't go to cashier with the running commentary.
Pajama Gram - Who came up with this stupid idea? Nothing says romance more than a nice pair of flannel butt flap jammies...maybe it you live in upper Maine. You can buy lingerie there too, but most guys will agree, save the fancy stuff, we just want you naked anyway.
Sherry's Berries - Not a terrible idea, except that it costs you a week's salary to buy five chocolate covered strawberries. They can't be very fresh if they are being shipped from who knows where.
But these are the companies we hear on the radio day in and day out starting February first so it gets drilled into our heads. Some guys might try to be the rebel and not do the commercial gifts, instead opting for the "I tried to put a lot of thought into this, but you hate it" gift. They buy chocolates and their girlfriend gets pissed off because she is on a diet, they take her out to dinner where she only orders a salad because she just turned vegetarian or worse, they go out to a bar and the girl decides she is a lesbian that night...not that I would know...
No matter what the boyfriend does or gets for her, it's going to be wrong unless it's diamonds and chances are they're not going to get anything in return, except with the diamonds, you're getting laid.
"Here's your Valentine's Day gift, I hope you like the Whitman's Sampler."
"Aww how sweet, here's a kiss on the cheek."
The only gift that would work is flowers sent to her work. There is a catch 22 there though, you send her the flowers and you look like a knight in shining armor to all of her co-workers, and she brags about how great you are but then there is the other side of the coin...the co-worker's significant others. Those guys will HATE you for doing that because that is all they will hear about when the co-workers get home.
Valentine's Day is a stupid ass holiday and that chubby little cherub can take his arrows and shove them straight up his diapered ass and by the way, this is the card I got the Trophy for Valentine's Day.
Greetings to all the Mommies out there! I interrupt your regularly scheduled blog post from Jenn to bring you a rebuttal to her post Food Pyramid For Mothers. As a Dad I had a few issues with the portrayal of her food pyramid and how wine was the biggest category. Why you ask? Simple, if a Dad drinks a beer to cope with a long day dealing the kids, he's deemed a drunk and not fit for fatherhood but if a Mom drinks a glass bottle of wine after a day with the kids, everyone says, "Awwww, she's had a rough day." There's a double standard here guys! Take Twitter or Facebook for example....
On Twitter the Mom's of the blogosphere hold #wineparties and boast how much wine they can drink after the kids are in bed. Everyone scrolls down their news feed, laaaauuughhhhs and chortles at the conversation happening, but when a Dad sends a Tweet out about having a beer with the guys, everyone is all up in their jammy (again, what the hell is your jammy?) about how they should spend time with their wives. Well we would but they are busy at some sort of #wineparty.
Facebook is similar, if a Dad posts some sort of meme about the trials and tribulations of being a Dad, his jammy gets all blown up and people tell him to enjoy the time he has with his kids but if a Mom posts one about how kids ruined her life, people are like "Amen sister! You tell them! I feel for you!"
Sorry ladies...
Anyway, I didn't come here to tell you that, what I came here to do was give you a Dad's version of the Food Pyramid.
We will start with the bottom of the pyramid, this is the base of a Dad's existence, Scraps Left On The Kid's Plates. As much as we like to deny it or try to hide it, we are the vultures of the family. This is where you get most of sustenance. Don't limit it to eating the last bite of meatloaf and last spoonful of mashed potatoes at home, make sure you are keeping the routine when (and if) you go out to dinner. Polish off the mac & cheese, grab those last three french fries and wolf down that last bite of corn dog, you need your strength.
Moving up the pyramid you have two categories that are similar in size, Coffee and Pain Reliever. Coffee is essential to your diet and needs to be consumed 3-4 times a day. The good thing about coffee is you can get your dairy in there with cream or milk. Pain Reliever should be taken 2-3 times a day after all you are the kid's punching bag, until they get hurt and then you're the dumbass who was rough housing.
There's Microwave Meals. Having kids is an adventure, granted not all of us are like other parents where their little preciouses-es are in a different activity each evening, but there is a lot of running around. Sometimes the kids have already eaten by the time you get home so the Vulture is hungry and you need to get them out the door. Pop in a meal and three minutes later you are burning the roof of your mouth with the salisbury steak
Then there is the Beer. Yes, we drink beer like a Mom drinks wine and we do it for the same reason. We need to decompress. Beer is good, it can count as your grain. If you throw in a few Doritos you have dairy too. I don't condone drinking eight glasses a day for fear of being called a raging alcoholic by some people.
Now we have reached the tip top of the Dad Food Pyramid, the teensy little triangle up there is where we can eat What We Want. This is a limited category but a welcomed one. This is where you can indulge in your nachos, buffalo wings and REAL hamburgers (not those sumshed ones from McDonald's).
So eat well my fellow Dads and don't worry about the e-cards you post, I find those ones funny.
*On a side note, I want to thank Jenn for letting me do this guest post on her blog for two reasons, she's pretty cool and she has a lot of followers who will read this...yes I just self-whored myself out.*
It all began in a fog. While walking the misty streets of London in 1909, American businessman William D. Boyce became lost and disorientated. A boy appearing out of the fog came up to him and offered to guide Boyce to his destination. After safely arriving, Boyce tried to pay the boy for his services but the boy refused. When asked why, the boy explained that he was a Scout and that Scouts should not accept money for doing a Good Turn.
Eager to learn more, Mr. Boyce sought out and met with Robert Baden-Powell, founder of the Boy Scout movement in Great Britain. Boyce knew that the boys back home would like the idea, so he brought Scouting to the United States. Papers incorporating the Boy Scouts of America were signed on February 8, 1910, which is the date we celebrate the official birthday of the BSA.
So, Happy 103rd Birthday Boy Scouts of America. You have been a huge part of my life, disproportional really, if you think about it. I began Scouting in 1986 and haven't stopped since. Aside from the awards and honors I have been presented with, Scouting has given me experiences that to this day I am thankful for. Most of my friends I met through Scouting, whether working on summer camp staff in Western Massachusetts or through the Order of the Arrow and the many weekends I spent outside in the woods.
If it wasn't for the Boy Scouts of America, I wouldn't have met my wife back in 1998 and we wouldn't have three awesome boys, two of which are in Cub Scouts. I wouldn't have contacts all over the United States and beyond that I can call upon to help out at a moment's notice. Without the Boy Scouts, who knows where or who I would be today.
However, recently the BSA has come under fire again for their "membership policies" and this week they were supposed to make a decision on the topic. They released this statement:
In a nutshell because of the outcry from "both sides", they need to keep deliberating about the "membership policy" and for a good reason I would imagine. They are deciding which side to piss off and there you have the two problems..."both sides". "Both sides" have forgotten what this program is really about...
...the youth of America. I say youth and not boys because Scouting has evolved over the years into something bigger than just Cub and Boy Scouts. With this evolution came criticism but in time the critics have evolved too. Scouting has had many obstacles in the past all of which they made a decision and over came the obstacle.
In the late 1940s there was an uprising where Scout Troops threatened to leave the Scouting program because the BSA was allowing African Americans into their group. Everything worked out thanks to James E. West.
It wasn't until 1988 when the BSA voted to allow women to be direct leaders in the organization. They were allowed to be Den Mothers or Den Leaders later one, but the BSA voted to change that and allow them the ability to be Scoutmasters and Cubmasters within the units. Today, I know many women who are Scoutmasters and Cubmasters and they do a fantastic job.
In 1913 the Catholic church and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints accepted the BSA, with stipulations, thus bringing the Scouting program into their organizations. They did not want to be affiliated with the BSA because of the enduring ties with the YMCA, which is a firmly Protestant organization.
Like I mentioned, I've been in Scouting since 1986 and not once did a Leader, Youth Leader, Merit Badge Councilor or any other adult in the program discuss sexuality with me. There is not a merit badge or belt loop for it, it's not in any of the requirements in any of the handbooks and it isn't in the Scout Oath, Cub Scout Promise, Law of the Pack or the Scout Law and "both sides" need to see that.
You have one side who wants to be recognized and "accepted". They want the BSA to come out and publicly say "You guys are OK." Then you have the other side who believes that if someone is not like them, they are wrong and they want the BSA to uphold that.
From my point of view, they're both wrong. We are all humans and the Scouting program promotes that. "Both sides" have lost sight of the youth and instilling good values and helping them find who they are. In my opinion it isn't about religion, race or sexual orientation, it's about having the Scouts grow up, learning life skills and preparing them for adulthood. As a Cubmaster I teach the Scouts about equality, respect and being kind.
What it comes down to is humans are made up of the same organic matter, breath the same air and live on the same planet. Both sides need to see that, maybe some more than others and get back to who the Boy Scouts of America is geared for, the youth.
The next time you see a Cub Scout selling popcorn in order for the Pack to afford the awards he has earned, a Boy Scout selling candy bars so he can attend summer camp or a Venture Scout trying to raise money so she can take the trip to Philmont, I challenge you to look into their eyes and tell them you won't support them because of "both sides", it's not about "both sides" it's about them.
Boy Scouts of America, you have stood strong for 103 years and have overcome many obstacles and made hard decisions. I have faith in you now that you will make the right decision and continue to put the youth first and not let "both sides" overtake first priority. Happy Birthday old friend.
Would you look at that? There appears to be a snow storm moving in to the area! Who Woulda Thought? (Yes, pun and shameless plug intended).
Oops, sorry let me clarify something before I continue, this post is directed to the New England region. Unless you have just moved to New England in the past five years there is no excuse for you to freak out about a snow storm, period, end of story. What did you expect in winter? You live in New Fucking England.
See the red circle at the end of the potential 2 ft + arrow, that's pointed at my house.
So they named the blizzard Nemo...wait, Nemo? They named the snow storm Nemo? Who's in charge of naming storms anyway? Is there one person who sits in an office, getting paid six figures to come up with names for the major storms? A meteorologist comes running down the hall...
"Frank! Frank! We got a big snow storm coming in and we need a name...stat!"
"Um, let's see, snow storm, um OK I got it, I just watched a movie last night with Frank Jr., we'll call it Nemo! Everyone loves that cute little handicapped fish."
"Perfect! Thanks! Take the rest of the day of Frank, you did great!"
I got me a storm named after me!
So now that the name has been given, the meteorologist heads out to their team and makes the big announcement....
"OK, gang, Frank dubbed this one Nemo. We know what to do right? Look at eleven different radars and pick the one that sounds the worst. We're going to break into every TV and radio show to scare the living shit out of the general public. Make them panic people! We want mass chaos, cluster fucks and we want to sell out of milk and bread!"
The Blizzard of '78, that's all I've heard before any storm.
Speaking of milk and bread...what the fajita? I've lived in New England my entire life and have seen many different storms and not once did I say to myself, "Holy shit Kev, I better go get milk and bread for the storm!" That and water, why go out and buy water? It's going to snow and now I'm not the most scientific guy on the planet but I do know that snow is frozen water. With two feet of snow, you'll have plenty of water on hand.
Also, people on Facebook, you don't have to update your status to tell people that it's snowing. I'm pretty sure you didn't go to school to be a meteorologist and we already know, we live in the same area that you do. I don't think I would be shocked if I signed onto Facebook and saw multiple posts about how it's snowing...
"Whoa shit! Good thing I went on Facebook today, I thought it was 70 and sunny out!"
I apologize for the rant and I understand that this is going to be a huge storm for us in New England but I would like to point out something, we had a debilitating ice storm back in 2008, where many communities didn't have power for almost a month and guess what? We didn't get much national support, it was flashed on the news and they said, "Eh, it's New England."
If this storm is as bad as the "professionals" are claiming, I can guarantee that we won't get some benefit concert headlined by Jewel with special guest John Melloncamp. No sir, we'll get a nod from the Vice President and maybe a commercial with some local celebrity like Wally the Green Monster telling us that everything will be alright and not to panic.
And you know what? We don't care, why? Because we live in New Fucking England.
...to a guest post I am doing over at Something Clever 2.0.
A while ago she wrote about the Food Pyramid for Mothers and me being a Dad had a couple issues with it. So she asked me to do my own post. You can find that post HERE.
Go and check it out and while there read some of her posts, they are pretty good.
I seem to have developed an arch-nemesis of sorts. Huh? I never would have thought that I, mild mannered, swass kicking, gas producing Kevin would have an arch-nemesis. I feel like Superman vs. Lex Luther; Batman vs. The Joker; Snoopy vs. The Red Baron. I have a legitimate arch-nemesis in the name of...
My arch-nemesis (how many more times can I use arch-nemesis?) sought out and has infiltrated my Fortress of Solitude, my blog, by commenting on some of my posts. Well actually I would have to say that I maybe, kind of, sort of provoked the comments by posting about him winning the Dude Write Challenge a while ago...which by the way I did not enter, thus making it possible for him to win. My post was all in good tidings to the Six-Fingered Monkey, yet somehow he took it as something different.
Somehow, over the course of a couple of months, we have found ourselves locking horns via Twitter and Facebook, like Thor against Loki, Spiderman against Dr. Octopus or Mighty Mouse against Oil Can Harry. Albeit our feuds are simple and definitely not hate driven, it's odd since we've lived in harmony until just recently.
I salute you...sellout.
In many ways we are similar, both of us are bloggers, humorous bloggers. We both enjoy the company of male children...wait that sounded wrong, we both have children that are boys. We are both involved in the Cub Scouts as Leaders. We have both pondered the mystery of the two headed woman and her masturbation and sex life. We both were shocked to find out David Lee Roth was gay. We both compete in the Dude Write Challenge and at one point we were both.....anti-Instagram. Looking back, I think that is what drew the line in the sand between us. The Six-Fingered Monkey sold out.
A while back, Six came up (all by himself) with the notion of N.A.D. or National Anti-Instagram Day and presented to the entire world on his blog. It was declared and almost passed through Congress (I'm lying there) that July 5th would be National Anti-Instagram Day. People around the world were asked to participate in the downfall of what is Instagram by posting NON altered photographs onto their Facebook page, Twitter account, website, blog and any other media source they had. It was a movement more monumental than Rosa Parks and Occupy Wherever combined. In other words, it was a freaking fan-fuck-tastic idea!
June 5th rolls around and there I am shoulder to shoulder with Six, ready to unveil my unaltered photographs and prepped to give the Instagram app a giant fuck off. It happened, and millionsthousandshundreds several people participated in N.A.D. and it was a gigantichumongousdecentmarginal success. Six wrote a great post on his blog about how proud he was and thanked everyone for their efforts, Six was a persona we could all get behind (in a non-gay way).
Then if that wasn't enough, he goes and enters a post about his grandma and how he misses her to Dude Write. (To be fair, I can totally relate having lost both my parents this year and it was a great post) This sympathy post secured his third Diamond Man Card and causing him to brag about how he was the first Diamond winner, the first to win multiple Diamond Man Cards (which I missed being the first by one vote...against Six) and to directly come after me for not having won any of the times he had entered Dude Write. I felt attacked (not really) and on the defensive (again not really).
Six, my arch-nemesis, I would like to point out that to your pitiful amount of Man Cards, I have secured seventeen of my own, also the first to win all three levels of the Man Card, Diamond, Platinum and Gold and the first to win every Man Card offered. We both have secured Leibsters and Rockin' Blogger awards but are you on Dan's Wall of Shame? Sure you're a published writer in the ebook All Cracked Up and a team member over at Sprocket Ink but can you handle the pressure of the A to Z Challenge bitch? I think not my old friend.
Seriously, go and drop the $3...it's worth it big time!
I am prepared to defend the common man and to carry on N.A.D. with or without you, I know there is still good in you, I can feel it, but you came looking for the horns, well you got the bull....or something like that, I still need to work on my superhero catch lines but you're still a funny ass douche nozzle.
As for Scouting...come see me when you've reach this level...
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