Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy V.D.!

Some people call it Valentine's Day, I call it Thursday.  I'm a firm believer that Valentine's Day was created by the card and candy companies with the thought of screwing more money out of the general public.

Now I'm not against Valentine's Day because I'm anti-love, you've been reading my blog long enough to know I love the Trophy, I just don't see a reason that I have to prove my love to her on one specific day by spending a buttload of money.  I'm against Valentine's Day because of the pressure.

There is an obscene amount of pressure on a guy on Valentine's Day, not completely on a husband but more so on the boyfriend.  I remember being a boyfriend in high school and in college, stressing out about what to get my girlfriend for V.D. (yeah, we'll call it V.D. because it fits).  Back then the choices were fairly simple, go to Sears and Roebuck and pick out a nice shiny $10 cubic zirconia necklace or head to Cumby's and pick up a rose sitting next to the register.  Then off to Caldor to pick out a V.D. card and you're done.  But nowadays, holy crap on a cracker!

The pressure that these poor schlubs have on them to buy the perfect V.D. gift is staggering and the holiday has turned into a woman's holiday.  I mean it's always been more about the lady, but now the commercials and ads you see are all about her and if the boyfriend doesn't get her the right gift he's a shitbrick.  The average guy spends almost $190 on this stupid day and here's the best part, the woman spends half of that on the guy.  They are getting screwed, well actually that's what the guy is hoping will happen by spending $190 on his girlfriend.

Some of the gift ideas are ridiculous as well but the companies spin them as great gift ideas....

The Vermont Teddy Bear Co. - I've been there before, we took a trip to Vermont and took a tour of the company.  There is no reason that a teddy bear should cost more than the trip itself.  If you are going to do the teddy bear thing, go to Walmart, buy a $5 bear and some baby clothes and save yourself some money.  Just don't go to cashier with the running commentary.

Pajama Gram - Who came up with this stupid idea?  Nothing says romance more than a nice pair of flannel butt flap jammies...maybe it you live in upper Maine.  You can buy lingerie there too, but most guys will agree, save the fancy stuff, we just want you naked anyway.

Sherry's Berries - Not a terrible idea, except that it costs you a week's salary to buy five chocolate covered strawberries.  They can't be very fresh if they are being shipped from who knows where.

But these are the companies we hear on the radio day in and day out starting February first so it gets drilled into our heads.  Some guys might try to be the rebel and not do the commercial gifts, instead opting for the "I tried to put a lot of thought into this, but you hate it" gift.  They buy chocolates and their girlfriend gets pissed off because she is on a diet, they take her out to dinner where she only orders a salad because she just turned vegetarian or worse, they go out to a bar and the girl decides she is a lesbian that night...not that I would know...

No matter what the boyfriend does or gets for her, it's going to be wrong unless it's diamonds and chances are they're not going to get anything in return, except with the diamonds, you're getting laid.

"Here's your Valentine's Day gift, I hope you like the Whitman's Sampler."

"Aww how sweet, here's a kiss on the cheek."

The only gift that would work is flowers sent to her work.  There is a catch 22 there though, you send her the flowers and you look like a knight in shining armor to all of her co-workers, and she brags about how great you are but then there is the other side of the coin...the co-worker's significant others.  Those guys will HATE you for doing that because that is all they will hear about when the co-workers get home.
 Valentine's Day is a stupid ass holiday and that chubby little cherub can take his arrows and shove them straight up his diapered ass and by the way, this is the card I got the Trophy for Valentine's Day.


  1. Wow! Telling your wife you love her more than Star Wars should get you laid for a week!

    My wife and I don't do V.D.

  2. this is awesome and I completely agree with 100% of it and am feeling kinda lazy so I might write one sentence and then tell everyone to come read this blog. the only thing you left off are those RIDICULOUS Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman "open heart" necklaces.

    1. Oh God yes Lori! I hate those stupid open heart crap necklaces. Who wants a piece of jewelry named after a surgical procedure anyway?

    2. hahahaha, I never made the connection with open heart surgery - I just always snickered at the thought that the iconic heart shape was actually fashioned after a woman's ass. So - you know, "open ass" always makes me laugh when I see those commercials come on.

  3. Totally agree with your thoughts about this day; we haven't really celebrated it for years which is okay with me. I agree that we need to show our love every day, not just one day a year. My mom said the same thing about Mother's Day. She said she should be treated with respect 365 days a year, not just one. So totally agree!


  4. Yeah... Hubbs and I don't really do anything for VD. It's more for the kids these days. We crack them out on chocolate, they run around like shrieking demons for a couple of hours, and then they pass out cold. Ah, sweet peace....

  5. Holy Obi Wan Kenobi - more than Star Wars? That's love! The real holiday is Feb. 15 - Clearance Candy Day.

  6. I never understood the pressure to purchase things. Doesn't buying crap prove you don't really love each other? How about a nice poem or cooking a fancy dinner? Isn't there just pressure to show a little effort? Maybe the purchasing pressure is self-imposed.

  7. I once met a man who was pissed off because his girlfriend didn't like his Valentine's Day gift. "Next year, I'm spending it on a hooker" he said. That gave me a good laugh.