The Cape Cod Adventure: Day 6

Day 6 of the C.C.A., also the final day here on the Cape.  I may have written some posts that sounded like I wasn't having much fun but when all is said and done, I can honestly say it was a fun vacation.

We head home tomorrow, but we are planning on taking our time heading home, again due to lovely Cape bridge traffic.  We aren't planning anything exciting for tomorrow, just picking up the last minute forgotten chachkis, maybe one more fried seafood meal and just avoiding going home.  We had the crazy thought of getting a motel room for the night and spending the day by the pool..as opposed to the beach...which is what we did again today.


We decided to go to the National Seashore Coast Guard Beach, what a crazy experience that was.  We surprisingly got out of the house at a decent time, normally things go a little later than normal for reasons I promised the Trophy I wouldn't blog about.  We got to the beach and paid our $15 entry fee.  Everything down here that involves the sea costs $15, what the fuck?  I just paid $15 to go sit in a sandbox.

So we unloaded the Minion mobile and the other SUV and we looked like homeless people pushing around our belongings.  We had three "buggies" full of boogie boards, sand toys, umbrellas, sandwiches, snacks, towels, beach chairs, blankets, snorkeling gear, gallons of sun block and three backpacks filled with clothes to change into after we suffered the salt and sand.  I looked around the parking lot and I couldn't see the ocean anywhere, "Odd," I thought to myself, "Usually when I get dragged to something I loath, it's presented right then and there."

Come to find out we need to lug our gear to this area that resembles a waiting line at an amusement park (surprise, surprise) and then wait for the tram to come and pick us up.  So we waited with our three "buggies" full of beach crap.  I started noticing other people showing up and all they had were their towels, a cooler and a chair or two.  That's what I'm talking about, minimalism!  I remember going to the beach B.K. (Before Kids) and that's all we took, a couple of towels and a cooler, simple and easy.  Just then the tram arrives breaking my day dream of B.K. and we have to load the three "buggies" filled with beach crap into a little trunk on the back of the second car.  Awesome, I'm not even at the beach yet and I'm sweating my ass off, sand is going to cling to me like a magnet.  If I was a chick I would have had a sandy vagina.

Our five minute shuttle service drops us off at the entrance of the beach, which is ironically located next to a parking lot that was charging a dollar less than what we payed to park miles away.  Go figure.  We plodded our way up and over the dune walkway and there it was...the sea of a thousand umbrellas and beach huts.  Ten o'clock in the morning and the beach is already over crowded.  We pick "prime" real estate smack in the middle of  hundreds of other people.  The good news was I didn't have to feel self conscious again.  There were Wookies and Hutts all around, even the Wookies had little Wooklets, it was crazy.  I was in people watching overload.

So we set up base camp, like we were planning on staying out there hunting seals or something, which by the way we did see seals and I was disappointed because there have been a lot of shark sightings at the Cape and I was hoping to watch a seal get mauled by a great white see a great white shark but we didn't, we just saw cute little seals popping their heads out of the water here and there.  I set up one of the beach chairs we brought and grabbed my iPod, and dialed it to (yes, it's a classic) Jimmy Buffet.  I figured if I was going to be sitting in a million tiny bits of sharp granules I might as well listen to some relaxing music.  Say what you want about Buffet, his music soothes the savage beast and seeing I couldn't bring alcohol to the beach, this was the next best thing.

After about thirty minutes the Trophy taps on my shoulder and asks what I want to do, I look at her and said "I'm fucking doin' it."  All I wanted to do was relax, catch some rays and maybe a nap.  Well of course the Minions had other ideas for Dad.  We  needed to utilize the boogie boards we brought, great...let's go venture into the sixty degree water, let our testicles creep up into our lungs and hang ten.  What a ridiculous idea this was, besides the boogie boards that we brought were snapped in half, no matter where we were, the waves were over there, so we went over there and then the waves were back where we started.  I couldn't win and of course the Minions thought it was my fault, like I was shifting the axis of the Earth or something.

After six hours baking in what resembled a kitty litter box, we decided to go "shower" off and get changed.  There is nothing more comfortable than stripping you and your three kids down with a dozen strangers, seems perfectly safe to me.  We got back on the tram and were shuttled back to our parking lot, loaded up the trucks and headed off to supper.  Looking back I guess it wasn't that bad of a day, but I'm still not a beach person...at all.

Pour me something tall and strong and make it a hurricane before I go insane.

The Cape Cod Adventure: Day 5

OK, OK, OK, I am a day behind but I will blame the fact that I have been without the interweb since we've been down here at the Cape and my 3G wireless card for my laptop, well it doesn't work because there is no fricking cell service where we are staying, ironically enough though there was plenty of bars on my Crackberry when we were five miles out to sea watching whales...can you hear me now fuckers?

Anyway, I have had limited interweb access if I sit in a certain spot in the kitchen of the house and lean a certain way, so I have painstakingly kept on blogging, it has taken me an average of two hours to post a post because (LIKE JUST NOW!!!) the pink bar of doom appears at the top of my Blogger page saying that an error has occurred while trying to save or publish your post.  Please try again.  I try again and again and again....and holy shit, adding those pictures takes all night too, so the next coupe of posts might be pictureless...maybe, the pink bar of doom has subsided for now.

So, day 5 here on the Cape, my sunburn has healed and itchy now, I have successfully removed every grain of sand from my scrotum and we went miniature golfing.  Three things which are painful to me.  Now, for anyone who hasn't been to the Cape before there are approximately 3.5 mini golf courses per five mile radius on the Cape, some are good, some not so good.  We chose the one with the big white whale in front of it because, well it had a big white whale in front of it...and the women folk decided it was a better value because you get free replays.  Oh, goody!  Not just 18 holes of excruciating pain but 36 holes of demonic pleasure.  Normally I don't have an issue with mini golf, it can be fun but add a twelve year old and a ten year old girl into the mix of my three Minions, well let's just say there was no joy in Mudville that day.

I was paired up with #2 who went through the course in record time according to the owner, it took him twenty minutes to play 36 holes...eat your heart out Tiger.  The other part of the family took their time finishing while #2 and I sat in the sun and started seeing mirages.  But there was hope on the horizon!  After the torture of mini golf, I got to go to the Cape Cod Beer brewery.  I try to visit the local brewery, if there is one.  I kinda like beer, but you already knew that.  The Cape Cod brewery tour was kind of lame, but the best thing is the free beer samples!  I tried Beach Blonde (possibly my favorite lighter beer now) and the Cape Cod Red, which was equally as yummy.

I do love me a blonde.

Wise man, that Ben Franklin

I asked if I could go swimming, they told me no.

Sounds like a perfect plan.

After the brewery we went home and chilled for a bit because the night of Day 5 was when we were going to celebrate our anniversary, which is next week.  So the Trophy's family watched the Minions while we got all gussied up and went out to dinner.  We went to the second most romantic restaurant on the Cape, the Yarmouth House.  It was a pretty nice restaurant and the food was really good.  After the dinner we decided to walk the beach..I know, I'm a romantic kinda guy and it gets better.

We have been married for thirteen years (next week) and when we got married we were young and broke ass broke so our wedding was done by a Justice of the Peace, our DJ was a boombox and the reception was a picnic in my parent's backyard.  Well times have gotten a little better for us and I thought it was time that the Trophy got her wedding she deserved, so I asked her to marry me again.  I'll wait for the "awwwwws" from my Dudette readers.  I figured we have two years to save up to do it right this time and we can renew our vows on our fifteenth anniversary.

I actually had a slightly different plan for the big night out, you see we honeymooned down here thirteen years ago and our first dinner as a married couple was KFC in West Yarmouth.  I was going to have her get all dressed up thinking we were going out for a fancy dinner (which we did anyway) and then go to KFC.  Well, the KFC/A&W is closed in West Yarmouth so that kind of blew things out of the water.  I think she was happier with the Yarmouth House anyway.

So that concludes day 5 of the adventure and aside from the brewery pictures I didn't get many that day.  Although there is some great footage of the after anniversary dinner sex....just kidding...or am I?

The Cape Cod Adventure: Day 4

It was a WHALE of a good time today, the WHALE tale I could tell you about what I saw today would BLOW your mind.  I FINally had some fun down here and it wasn't a FLUKE.  OK, I'll spare you anymore puns and let you know that we went on a whale watch today.  We arrived two hours early to get our tickets and boarded early because the Whale Watch Nazi told us to.  I couldn't figure it out at first, I was getting really odd looks, like I murdered one of their beloved water mammals.  Then as I removed my hat to scratch my head I figured out why....

Bring back the Hartford Whalers!

Aside from the T or the mall, I found a whale watch to be one of the best people watching experiences ever.  There were all kinds people, short, tall, fat, skinny, white trash...every type.  I could write forever about all the different people I saw but I will only choose a few.  The first one would be the picture taker...not just any picture taker, this picture taker....

Looks so easy to take pictures this way...

OK, first, I understand the new iPad has a super duper retina display and can better pictures than the iPad 2...but I don't think this is the new iPad and I have an iPad 2, the picture taking capabilities are horrible.  Second, why would you bring a $600 device onto a whale watch with the possibility of dropping it over board?  Someone lost their hat on the ride and was wicked pissed, I can only imagine dropping your iPad.  Lastly, where the hell is the cover?  Why don't you have a cover?  Go out and buy a $30 camera from Target for shit sake!

Here's Daddy Ass

The next person I saw I was not able to get a sneaky picture of, it was like they were watching me the whole time, maybe they were whale activists and didn't like my Hartford Whalers hat.  These people reminded me of the family that visited Egypt in Despicable Me.  The dad was wearing a stained wife beater and talking about how he'd like to shoot a whale and mount it above the mantle (hmm, maybe they weren't whale lovers after all), the mom tried to look high maintenance but she was only able to pull off the "upper crust, white trash" look and then there was junior, actually his name was Major and I only know that because the dad kept telling him he was a Major pain in the ass.  So I assuming that this was the Ass family and the kid's name was Major.

Lastly there was Captain Dumbass.  While we were watching the whales, this person kept asking stupid questions and I know there are no such thing as stupid questions, just stupid people and this was a classic case of a stupid person, if I had a Bill Engval sign I would have given it to her.  She was standing a few feet away from us but was talking loud enough to be heard .  "Do whales eat fish?"  "What is that water coming out of the blowhole?" After a few more of these question I lost it when she asked after watching the whale dive back down into the water, "Where did the whale go?"  Blink, blink, blink, where the hell do you think the whale went you wombat?  It didn't sprout wings and fly into the heavens.  Maybe it did, the whale was swimming along fending for itself eating, looked around and said "Fuck this, I'm outta here, the birds have it right."

It's a flying whale...you dumbass.

All in all the whale watch was pretty freaking awesome.  The guide said it was one of the better sightings they have had in several months.  We saw between 20-25 different whales and got some really cool pictures.  The only incident that we saw was the person throwing a plastic bag of puke away BEFORE we even left the dock.  The Minions had fun and I would have to say I would definitely do it again...once I save up enough money to pay for the family.  Holy shit!  We had to pay for parking, the tickets and then they expect tips at the end.  I just dropped a weekly paycheck to your company and you want more?  It's like tipping at Dunkin Donuts, I don't get it, you don't tip McDonald's or Burger King do you?

We got back to port and were starving so we went and ate a whale, or at least a whale's weight in fried seafood, god damn I am a fat ass this week.  I think I have gone from fluffy to damn! in the past few days.  Oh well it's vacation and my first week long one in many years, so...

I don't care, you want to know why?  Because I'm on fucking vacation.

Just because we did get some really cool pictures of the whales, here are a few for your viewing enjoyment.

The Cape Cod Adventure: Day 2

***DISCLAIMER***
I have pictures that need to be uploaded, however due to the crappy service for my wireless card and the fact that there is not WI-fi here at the house, I cannot upload the pictures yet.  I will take my laptop out tomorrow and upload them at a hotspot, thanks for your patience....or something like that.
***END DISCLAIMER***

So day two of our adventure is in the books and guess what we did?

Yup, us, the Not So Beach People, went to the beach.  The Minions had fun and I have to admit I had some fun too snorkeling with them and watching the hermit crabs mate, it was pretty cool.  Have you ever seen a hermit crab mate?  Me neither but that is what I told the Minions they were doing, I sounded all oceanographic and shit.  I did get to take home two things from the beach though, sand embedded in my scrotum and a sunburn on my back from where I decided that I was not the worst looking dude on the beach.  Oh well, live and learn.

One thing I figured out today was the difference between a free beach and a pay beach.  We went to a free beach and 95 % of it was seaweed and you all know how much I despise Icky Toes.  Also at a free beach there are no showers to rinse the sticky, salty sand off of you.  Yes, we will be going to the beach again, just this time we will cough up the money to get in.

We headed back home and I remembered that last night while we were outside, I saw that the house we are staying at has an outdoor shower.

 The only time I shower outdoors is when I am camping and that usually consists of either a freezing stream or a bladder hung from a tree branch.  This shower is enclosed as you could see, but still there was that daring aspect of being naked and scaring the crap out of the neighbors.  I mean who wants to see me, a resemblance of a waterlogged Wookie traipsing through the backyard.  Someone might call the Bigfoot hunters or something.

So I grabbed my floofy, body wash, shampoo and towel and head outside to the shower. I was setting everything up and then I heard it, the swarm of wasps coming right at me.  Like a Jedi, I dodged their foot long stingers and slammed the door to the shower.  Narrowly escaping the swarm of deadly wasps, I settled for a shower inside the house where it was much safer.  I already had sand embedded in places sand shouldn't be, I didn't need wasp stingers there too.

For dinner we decided to go easy compared to last night's lobster feast, plus it would be safer for anyone in a twenty foot radius of me, so we went to an all you can eat Chinese/American/Italian/Japanese buffet.  This place was crazy, it had seven buffet bars and the people watching was fantastic!  There were people of every shape and size there.  You could definitely tell the pros from the amateurs at this place.  The pros walked in and scoped out the buffet, pointing and whispering to each other the plan of attack.  They would get seated and go up in pairs, starting at opposite sides of the buffet.  Within five minutes, their plates were loaded and they were sitting down.  Three or four trips later, all within a twenty minute span, they were done.  Their tables showing the remains of the hunt.  If some starving Ethiopian saw that, they would probably have heart failure from the amount of food they consumed and left behind.

We would fall under the amateur group, picking our way around the buffet and only making two trips.  It's not that I can't pack away the food, trust me I can, it's just that I know my limits and how not to make a swine of myself.

There you have the gist of day two.  Tomorrow we are planning on some more adventures, maybe even up to Provincetown!  That should be enough fodder for two or three blog postings, wish me luck!

Look!  It's a tramp stamp!

The Cape Cod Adventure: Day 1

Well we made it to Cape Cod in approximately 2.5 hours and in one piece.  Traffic wasn't bad at all except for one spot on I-495 and to those suckers who were taking the Bourne Bridge...dumbasses!  The Sagamore was smooth sailing all the way.  However, we did feel like the Griswolds heading to the Cape with fiver bikes strapped to the back and a bag strapped to the top.

I'm not going to bore you with the details of how my day played out, you know my routine by now.  I wake up, brush my teeth, drop a stink pickle, shower and then have breakfast...damn it, I said I wasn't going to bore you with the details.  I will tell you that, unlike my trip to Vermont, there is a Dunkin Donuts literally 1/4 mile away from the house we are staying at.  Kevin's ass runs on Dunkin.

It was rainy today so we decided that today would be a good chachki buying day so we heading into Hyannis.  I like saying Hyannis, it sounds like Hi Anus!  Speaking of anuses, while walking around Hyannis shopping I noticed an extraordinary amount of "Chicken Theory Experiments" walking around with sweat pants or shorts sporting words on their asses like "PINK", "Juicy" or my personal favorite now, "Cape Cod", not that I was looking or anything, no sir (thank the Maker for sunglasses).



While visiting one of the local t-shirt outfitters, I got to thinking, I am going to make a line of shorts and sweatpants for guys with the word FART written across the ass.  I think those would sell quite well and guys would be proud to wear them.  This way when we catch a girl or even a guy reading our ass, we can ask them what they are looking at.  I mean seriously?  What the hell do you think I'm looking at, you have a giant word slapped across your ass.

While chachki shopping I realized we forgot shot glasses and the house we are staying at doesn't have any.  After pricing them out starting at $3.99 and working their way up from there, I found what could quite possibly be the coolest idea for your shot party.  They make ice cube trays that form shot glasses!  Holy shit!  Whoever invented these things is a genius!  Not only do you not have to worry about cleaning or even dropping the shot glasses, they are made of ice so your shot is ice cold!  Fucking awesome!

Because today was kind of a wash, we decided that tonight would be a good night for our feast.  My sister-in-law and I went to the fish market and picked up four 1 1/4 lb lobsters and a 2 lb lobster for myself.  To top off the crustacean feast we picked up four lbs of steamers (or pisser clams as she calls them) and enough steaks to justify eating a half of a cow.  We capped it off with a few Magic Hat Elder Berry beers.

Now, I need to confess something, this is the second time in my 35 years that I have eaten a lobster whole and the first time I have ever cooked a lobster.  What a barbaric experience that is!  Refer to my Screw Crabs post.  I usually get my lobster in the Lazy Man or the "I'm such a fat ass, I don't want to work for my food" style or in a lobster roll.  The first time I had steamed lobster was at a restaurant about 14 years ago and I still am apologizing to my friends, the patrons and the waitress for the mess I made.  Now flash forward to tonight....

First, lobsters do not scream when you drop them live in boiling water...at least I didn't hear anything.  Of course I would have drowned out their screams in drawn butter anyway.  So we boiled the lobsters, steamed the pissers and grilled the steaks.  We all sat down at the table to partake in our feast of feasts...oh shit, we don't have the tool set needed for the crustaceans.  We scrambled and found two pairs of pliers and a hammer.  It worked, albeit messy, but it did the trick.  My job was to bust up the claws with the hammer and I have to say I did a fantastic job at it.  You give me an implement of destruction and I am the fucking master!

We finally got all of the lobsters cracked and de-meated for the kids and them my two pounder was finished.  Being the man that I am (stop laughing) I decided to bypass the tools and took on the beast with my bare hands.  I ripped, tore and bashed the shit out of that cockroach of the sea and the little shit fought back.  It sprayed juice all over me (and the Trophy sitting across from me), the spikes cut my hands and I bled all over the place and what the hell was that brownish green shit that spewed out of the upper body?  Have you aver seen that nasty stuff?  It looks like something #3 used to crap out before solid foods...actually it looked like the food he used to eat.

But I prevailed and conquered the beast and devoured all two pounds of lobster, the steak, many steamers and a couple of beers.  It was a scene straight out of Man vs. Food or The Great Outdoors. Well that's it for today, I'm sure day two of the adventure will hold many things for me to report on, until then let me teach you my catch phrase for this week....

"I don't care, do you want to know why I don't care?  

Because I'm on fucking vacation!"