We decided to go to the National Seashore Coast Guard Beach, what a crazy experience that was. We surprisingly got out of the house at a decent time, normally things go a little later than normal for reasons I promised the Trophy I wouldn't blog about. We got to the beach and paid our $15 entry fee. Everything down here that involves the sea costs $15, what the fuck? I just paid $15 to go sit in a sandbox.
So we unloaded the Minion mobile and the other SUV and we looked like homeless people pushing around our belongings. We had three "buggies" full of boogie boards, sand toys, umbrellas, sandwiches, snacks, towels, beach chairs, blankets, snorkeling gear, gallons of sun block and three backpacks filled with clothes to change into after we suffered the salt and sand. I looked around the parking lot and I couldn't see the ocean anywhere, "Odd," I thought to myself, "Usually when I get dragged to something I loath, it's presented right then and there."
Come to find out we need to lug our gear to this area that resembles a waiting line at an amusement park (surprise, surprise) and then wait for the tram to come and pick us up. So we waited with our three "buggies" full of beach crap. I started noticing other people showing up and all they had were their towels, a cooler and a chair or two. That's what I'm talking about, minimalism! I remember going to the beach B.K. (Before Kids) and that's all we took, a couple of towels and a cooler, simple and easy. Just then the tram arrives breaking my day dream of B.K. and we have to load the three "buggies" filled with beach crap into a little trunk on the back of the second car. Awesome, I'm not even at the beach yet and I'm sweating my ass off, sand is going to cling to me like a magnet. If I was a chick I would have had a sandy vagina.
Our five minute shuttle service drops us off at the entrance of the beach, which is ironically located next to a parking lot that was charging a dollar less than what we payed to park miles away. Go figure. We plodded our way up and over the dune walkway and there it was...the sea of a thousand umbrellas and beach huts. Ten o'clock in the morning and the beach is already over crowded. We pick "prime" real estate smack in the middle of hundreds of other people. The good news was I didn't have to feel self conscious again. There were Wookies and Hutts all around, even the Wookies had little Wooklets, it was crazy. I was in people watching overload.
After about thirty minutes the Trophy taps on my shoulder and asks what I want to do, I look at her and said "I'm fucking doin' it." All I wanted to do was relax, catch some rays and maybe a nap. Well of course the Minions had other ideas for Dad. We needed to utilize the boogie boards we brought, great...let's go venture into the sixty degree water, let our testicles creep up into our lungs and hang ten. What a ridiculous idea this was, besides the boogie boards that we brought were snapped in half, no matter where we were, the waves were over there, so we went over there and then the waves were back where we started. I couldn't win and of course the Minions thought it was my fault, like I was shifting the axis of the Earth or something.
After six hours baking in what resembled a kitty litter box, we decided to go "shower" off and get changed. There is nothing more comfortable than stripping you and your three kids down with a dozen strangers, seems perfectly safe to me. We got back on the tram and were shuttled back to our parking lot, loaded up the trucks and headed off to supper. Looking back I guess it wasn't that bad of a day, but I'm still not a beach person...at all.
|Pour me something tall and strong and make it a hurricane before I go insane.|