Sunday, August 12, 2012

The Cape Cod Adventure: Day 1

Well we made it to Cape Cod in approximately 2.5 hours and in one piece.  Traffic wasn't bad at all except for one spot on I-495 and to those suckers who were taking the Bourne Bridge...dumbasses!  The Sagamore was smooth sailing all the way.  However, we did feel like the Griswolds heading to the Cape with fiver bikes strapped to the back and a bag strapped to the top.

I'm not going to bore you with the details of how my day played out, you know my routine by now.  I wake up, brush my teeth, drop a stink pickle, shower and then have breakfast...damn it, I said I wasn't going to bore you with the details.  I will tell you that, unlike my trip to Vermont, there is a Dunkin Donuts literally 1/4 mile away from the house we are staying at.  Kevin's ass runs on Dunkin.

It was rainy today so we decided that today would be a good chachki buying day so we heading into Hyannis.  I like saying Hyannis, it sounds like Hi Anus!  Speaking of anuses, while walking around Hyannis shopping I noticed an extraordinary amount of "Chicken Theory Experiments" walking around with sweat pants or shorts sporting words on their asses like "PINK", "Juicy" or my personal favorite now, "Cape Cod", not that I was looking or anything, no sir (thank the Maker for sunglasses).

While visiting one of the local t-shirt outfitters, I got to thinking, I am going to make a line of shorts and sweatpants for guys with the word FART written across the ass.  I think those would sell quite well and guys would be proud to wear them.  This way when we catch a girl or even a guy reading our ass, we can ask them what they are looking at.  I mean seriously?  What the hell do you think I'm looking at, you have a giant word slapped across your ass.

While chachki shopping I realized we forgot shot glasses and the house we are staying at doesn't have any.  After pricing them out starting at $3.99 and working their way up from there, I found what could quite possibly be the coolest idea for your shot party.  They make ice cube trays that form shot glasses!  Holy shit!  Whoever invented these things is a genius!  Not only do you not have to worry about cleaning or even dropping the shot glasses, they are made of ice so your shot is ice cold!  Fucking awesome!

Because today was kind of a wash, we decided that tonight would be a good night for our feast.  My sister-in-law and I went to the fish market and picked up four 1 1/4 lb lobsters and a 2 lb lobster for myself.  To top off the crustacean feast we picked up four lbs of steamers (or pisser clams as she calls them) and enough steaks to justify eating a half of a cow.  We capped it off with a few Magic Hat Elder Berry beers.

Now, I need to confess something, this is the second time in my 35 years that I have eaten a lobster whole and the first time I have ever cooked a lobster.  What a barbaric experience that is!  Refer to my Screw Crabs post.  I usually get my lobster in the Lazy Man or the "I'm such a fat ass, I don't want to work for my food" style or in a lobster roll.  The first time I had steamed lobster was at a restaurant about 14 years ago and I still am apologizing to my friends, the patrons and the waitress for the mess I made.  Now flash forward to tonight....

First, lobsters do not scream when you drop them live in boiling least I didn't hear anything.  Of course I would have drowned out their screams in drawn butter anyway.  So we boiled the lobsters, steamed the pissers and grilled the steaks.  We all sat down at the table to partake in our feast of feasts...oh shit, we don't have the tool set needed for the crustaceans.  We scrambled and found two pairs of pliers and a hammer.  It worked, albeit messy, but it did the trick.  My job was to bust up the claws with the hammer and I have to say I did a fantastic job at it.  You give me an implement of destruction and I am the fucking master!

We finally got all of the lobsters cracked and de-meated for the kids and them my two pounder was finished.  Being the man that I am (stop laughing) I decided to bypass the tools and took on the beast with my bare hands.  I ripped, tore and bashed the shit out of that cockroach of the sea and the little shit fought back.  It sprayed juice all over me (and the Trophy sitting across from me), the spikes cut my hands and I bled all over the place and what the hell was that brownish green shit that spewed out of the upper body?  Have you aver seen that nasty stuff?  It looks like something #3 used to crap out before solid foods...actually it looked like the food he used to eat.

But I prevailed and conquered the beast and devoured all two pounds of lobster, the steak, many steamers and a couple of beers.  It was a scene straight out of Man vs. Food or The Great Outdoors. Well that's it for today, I'm sure day two of the adventure will hold many things for me to report on, until then let me teach you my catch phrase for this week....

"I don't care, do you want to know why I don't care?  
Because I'm on fucking vacation!"


  1. Dunkin' Donuts within walking distance is a Boo yah!! thing indeed! Have you tried the new Oreo donuts? Bliss. Those ice cube shot glasses are genius and I am going to Google them immediately as they are a must have in my libation arsenal. I've cooked lobster before and it was traumatic as I named them and then held lobster races on the kitchen floor. They're kinda slow...but Claw and Lobby Lobster (as I called them) were good sports. Btw, Martha used to pour vodka in the water to give the lobsters a little buzz to aid in their passing. How altruistic of her, right? So next time, just pour in a little Pinnacle and those babies won't know what hit 'em! Have fun and let us know if you have any Kennedy sightings at High Anus Sport!

  2. I think I had preiously replied to one of your posts stating that I no longer eat lobster because of the barbarism. I am not some whack job PETA person, but it just seems overly barbaric for such a civilized world. . . and honestly I don't think lobster is that good. Overrated is the number one word that comes to mind. I get that it is like a seasonal ritual, but I will stick to Oktoberfest, Maibock and winter warmers. Screw throwing a bug into boiling water and pretending it is haute cuisine. That green crap. . . there is a trick to that. Someone taught me once, but I will admit that "pruning" has eradicated the memory of how or why from my brain pan.