Saturday, August 11, 2012

Life's A Beach

I can't exactly contain my excitement and honestly I am not one to brag, shut up and stop laughing, I'm not, I tend to gloat more and there is a difference, but in just a few hours we are taking our first week long vacation in eight years...yes eight years.  Now let me clarify this to everyone, we've taken weekend trips, day trips and done day camps.  I have even taken a full week off from work, we just haven't gone away for a full week in eight years, which coincidentally is exactly how old Minion #1 is.

We are renting a house on Cape Cod for the week, well actually the Trophy's sister and brother-in-law are renting the house and we are invited to go down for the week and all we have to do is watch the nieces twice this summer.  There is always a catch.  If you recall, we watched them for a week in the beginning of July and we will be watching them towards Labor Day

I have made a promise to the Trophy that I will be excited and relax, which in this case isn't hard to do because I'm going to be on fucking VACATION!  We have been packing all week, servicing the Minion Mobile and getting ready to head down to the Cape.  In all reality the trip from where I live is about two hours, but you factor in traffic, twelve Minion bladder releases and the "Oh shit, we forgot to pack ____!" stop it will take closer to five hours.  But that is OK, I have decided that I will be Mr. Easy Going as of 2:00 on Saturday afternoon.

"Well gosh Kev, I've read your posts, you aren't exactly easy going."  Au contaire,  my faithful followers, I am actually rather laid back 90% 80% 50% 30% of the time and I made a deal with the Trophy...I purchased a "survival kit".
This should get me through the weekend....
You can't see them, but there are two other bottles behind the starting three.  By the way the twelve pack of Magic Hat Elder Berry is going as well.  I'm not worried about running out, there are plenty of packies on the Cape.  We have decided that we are going to "be pickled" as a friend of ours puts it.

So we are headed to a place that is surrounded by ocean and I am not beach people.  Sure I will go to the beach for a couple of hours and let the Minions splash in the surf but as for staying there for hours on end, eh not so much.  Give me a lake set in the mountains with a cabin and now you're talking.  Why I am not a beach person is simple.

It's like Where's Waldo?
It's crowded.  I am not a people person so to speak, I don't mind parties and hanging out with people, but when you are elbow to elbow with a bunch of people, get me the hell out of there.  It's the same reason I am not a fan of amusement parks.

Live it, Love it, Learn it!

I don't have a beach body.  I'm a "fluffy" guy and have the teddy bear shape to me.  Yes, I have a muffin top, yes I have moobs so I am that guy on the beach still wearing a shirt.  However, I have gotten over the fact that I look like a Wookie with the mange because there is always a guy with a thicker sweater than me. 

It's Swass Time!
It's sandy and hot.  When I get hot, I get sweaty (refer back to the Swass Meter), when I get sweaty, I get sticky, when I get sticky, sand attaches itself to parts of my body I do not want sand attached to.  There is only one thing worse than sand embedded on your grundel and that (I would imagine) is a sandy vagina...OUCH!

I don't like Icky Toes.  Inevitably when  you go to a beach in New England you have to cross that barrier of seaweed that collects.  After you wade through that, you have this feeling in your toes that something is sticking to them and in some cases there is shit sticking to your feet and you don't know because the water up here is a murky green and not a clear blue like you see in pictures.  I despise Icky Toes.

Well that's all I got for now, I will try to update throughout the week for those who care enough to follow me on vacation.  Now if you'll excuse me I need to cram the Minion mobile with shit we aren't going to need and go sit in traffic on I-495.

Not ours but I will take a picture when it is loaded.


  1. Have a terrific vacation Kev! I know you will, because to begin with, you've got the Pinnacle and the McGillicuddy's! Is it the vanilla or the mint? Both good, but vanilla - you could pour that on ice cream it's so good. Enjoy, our fearless Cape Crusader!

    1. It's actually cookie you have any recipes for using that? I was going to do shots, but being on vacation I want to mix it up a little.

  2. Don't know what part of the Cape you are headed to but just a warning if you're near Chatham - don't swim with the seals.
    I'm not normally an alarmist but why take the chance. Besides, I really need you around so I can find out the rest of "50 Shades of Shut the F*ck Up."

    1. We are in Harwich, damn, now people can stalk me...we are definitely not swimming with the all...

      I will survive, don't worry. The last time we came down was two years ago during the "big" hurricane.

  3. Gosh have a great week away! Great survival kit. Cape Cod huh? Say hello to the Kennedy's. :)

    1. I tried to get into the compound but I wasn't drunk enough.

  4. I despise 495 traffic! I hope it goes well each way. I love your outlook on your beach body. As a 43 year old female, I finally decided there were older, fluffier chicks out there than me, so I can keep on wearing my bikini too. (I'm not fluffy, just thought I was to old.)

    Enjoy your vacation!

    1. Thanks! Actually traffic wasn't bad at all coming down. We are beach bound tomorrow.