Showing posts with label pictures. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pictures. Show all posts

Friday, December 21, 2012

Day 21: Picture Perfect

Well here we are, 21 Days into the 25 Day Project and we have started receiving the perfect family portraits at the domicile.  I'm not talking about the picture Christmas cards with the collage of your vacation to Disney, I'm talking about the fake ass, look at us, we're a perfect family picture that people only take at Christmas time.

Why pretend to be a perfect family one month out of the year?  We all know that your family is a bunch of misfits the other eleven months of the year so who are you fooling? Just because you had a picture taken in front of a roaring fire and all of you are wearing the same colored sweater doesn't mask the "Jer-ry!  Jer-ry!  Jer-ry!" stench that exudes off of you.  I call bullshit on the aspect of Christmas as well.

They're still around?????
If you're going to be insistent on forcing a family picture on us, at least be realistic about it.  Instead of going to Sears or JC Penny and having the whole family huddle in front of a green screen that will ultimately depict a magical wintery scene straight from Harry Potter take a picture of yourselves at the beach.

Dixie ain't proud today...
Not the "look we took a family vacation to Florida" beach, I'm talking about the local State Park beach.  Make sure you get all of the overweight, Chewbacca guys wearing grape smugglers in the background and don't forget to get the one couple fucking in the corner of the swimming area, that makes for a magical scene right there.  Put the kids in their matching American Flag bathing suits (because nothing says I love America more than a flag swimsuit) and the parents should be wearing the bikini that is too small for your "voluptuous" frame and the white mustard stained wife beater that shows off your farmer's tan perfectly.  Take care to smear sun block haphazardly all over the kids and yourselves and then take the picture while looking into the sun.  There, perfect!


The beach isn't your style?  OK, no problem, what about the family reunion?  That's a perfect time to take the family picture.  You can clear off the stage at the local VFW and pose for pictures there.  The other ninety people at the reunion won't mind if you halt the party for a while.  There are a couple of key elements you need in this picture though.  You need to make sure at least one beer can is visible in the shot, preferably a Coors Light or other type of white trash beer.  You also need to make sure the kid's Pokemon t-shirts are tucked in because nothing says classless like an untucked t-shirt.  The husband needs to have that half-cocked look to him and make sure the wife is wear gobs of makeup that day.
Wow....just wow.
 Along the same lines as a family reunion, you could utilize a wedding or a funeral.  You and your family are already dressed up in your "Sunday best" so right after the the kissing of the bride or the eulogy, herd your family up on the alter to make it look like you are church going people and extremely happy to be there.  Just make sure the coffin is out of the frame and don't worry about the bridal party, they have all night.

At the reception is fine too...
These are just a few ideas for your next family portraits, you know to save you time and money.  This way you can be realistic about your "perfect family" when you send out your Christmas cards next year.

Man..he stole my beer and my truck!

Friday, September 21, 2012

A Just Cause

That's right biz-nitches!
Before I get into my post I would like to direct everyone's attention to Dude Write and more specifically the fact that I, once again, won the Diamond Man Card for my Sticky Situation post.  With this win, I now have a total of nine, count them nine Man Cards since entering the Dude Write Challenge.  I also need to congratulate all of the other winners for their posts and deserving Man Cards.  All of the posts were read-worthy and fantastic, go on over and check them out if you haven't done so already.


So I did my daily routine this morning AFTER my normal routine that you have already read about.  I got in my truck, drive to my first customer and then I set up camp for twenty minutes or so to check emails, Facebook, Twitter and my blog comments.  Normally I start with Facebook and scroll my way down to where I left off the night before.  I usually enjoy catching up with friends and family, reading the occasional humorous Ecard and getting my morning Star Wars fix.  Sure there are the Fakebookers and needy status attention seekers, but most of the people on my friend's list are there because I genuinely enjoy reading their posts.

Recently though, there has been a disturbing trend happening.  It's not the political status update trend, it's not the crappy Instagram picture postings, nope not at all.  It's when you are scrolling down your Facebook homepage and then BAM! you're hit with the picture of a baby who has a tumor the size of a grapefruit, a five year old with obvious hand prints welted on her face or even the dog that is so malnourished you can see all of it's bones or worse the dog or cat that is shown to be beaten by it's owner.  Dude!  Way to 9/11 my day right off the bat!

 I know it maybe difficult to picture me as a caring, sensitive person if you regularly read my blog, but I really am and I have a soft spot for children and animals.  It's bad enough that when I actually do sit down and watch TV, Sarah McLachlan is guilting me into giving money to or adopting another pet by showing pictures of these sad, yet cute dogs and cats in shelters with a sad Sarah song playing in the background, now I have to see these images on my Facebook page.  I don't want to see that shit...period.

Do you really think that for every "Like" the fly-by-night organization is going to donate $1 and for every "comment" the subject will be cured?  Then you get the guilt trip (thanks McLachlan) that if you scroll past this picture and story you hate your grandma, want your mom to be raped by a gorilla or your dog will die.  No, I love my deceased grandma, I really do feel bad for the animal beaten in the picture and as a Dad of three Minions, it tugs on my heartstrings to see a suffering child, but here are the two main issues I have:

1.  If I was to "Like" or "Comment" on a picture, my phone, iPad and Facebook feed fills up with notifications that other people "Commented" or "Liked" the same post. (Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sure I can change settings for this but I don't have time to dive into the bowels of Facebook)

2.  I already give time and  money to various other causes and foundations.  If I was to donate more money, my kids would be the ones in the picture eating a moldy piece of bread and believe it or not, there are only so many hours in a day, the last time I checked it was 24 and most people spend 16 hours combined working and sleeping, so it would be impossible for me to spend more time helping out.

Now, before you call me heartless and mean, think about who is really heartless or mean.  Who took the pictures of the starving children living on the streets of Chicago?  Who took the pictures of the cat that has broken legs and was beaten by some asshole?  Who took the picture of the baby with the alien sized head?  Maybe those people should put the cameras down, sell them and then donate the money to these causes.  You're standing there taking these pictures, go to the local grocery store, drop $20 and give the starving kid a few meals.  This especially goes for the "action" photographers, catching the act live.  What the hell man?  Drop the camera and go kick that dude's ass for beating that dog or even better call the police...dumbass.

I'm all for promoting your cause, withing reason, if you're promoting something like it should be alright to marry your sister or fuck a goat, stop what you're doing, walk out into the middle of the highway and let a tractor trailer hit you BUT if you want to bring awareness to our planet, how pitbulls are treated badly or to help a child with cancer, I'm all for that.  Let it be known...without the fucked up pictures.

One of the foundations I support regularly is the Jimmy Fund, they do telethons and radiothons and show the kids but they don't show the REALLY bad pictures, people get the idea when they see a young girl wearing a Red Sox bandana because she lost all of her hair from chemo and are more inclined to help out.


Back to my original point, 95% of people use Facebook for a source of entertainment and to take a little break from reality and we would more likely "Like" your cause if you showed us a picture of something good that happened to that child or pet.  Tell us what your cause did for these subjects, tell us how Billy survived and Bosco is able to walk again but please stop with the pictures.

See?  I would be more inclined to donate by seeing this picture....

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Letting My NADs Free

Mark this day on the calendar people, it is a day that will be long remembered!  Today is NAD.  A fellow blogger and winner of Dude Write, The Six-Fingered Monkey has declared today to be NAD, and now another blogger, the fan-fucking-tastic Blondie from Blondie McBaffled is showing her NADs.


Oh...sorry, not those kind of nads, I've already done that right here, I'm talking about National Anti-Instagram Day.  Instagram has been something that has been poking me in the kidney, prodding me to write about it, but I haven't yet.  It really hasn't bothered me enough to do so...until now.


I have always despised Instagram ever since I started seeing them crop up on Fakebook.  At first I thought to myself, "Self," I says, "That's kinda gay and not the farting rainbows and watching Magic Mike kind of gay."  But I didn't let it bother me, I let it go like water off a duck's ass.  That was until two days ago....

I quote, "It's a fast, beautiful and fun way to share your photos with friends and family."  Yeah, so isn't taking a fucking picture and emailing it to your friends and family!  I quote again, "Snap a picture, choose a filter to transform its look and feel, the post to Instagram.  Share to Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr too - it's as easy as pie.  It's photo sharing, reinvented.  Oh yeah, did we mention it's free?"  What the hell?  Just eliminate the middle man, bypass uploading them to Instagram, use the filters that are usually preloaded into your phone (because that's how you're SUPPOSED to take pictures right?) and upload to your favorite bragging social site.

But...that's not what really bugs me about Instagram....what I truly despise about Instagram is the way you take the pictures.  In the past 30 years the human race has made technological advancements by leaps and bounds in many, many different areas.  Video games, television, computers, cars...oh and cameras.  That's right everybody, we have made cameras to take pictures so clear, so crisp, so vibrant, it's like being there when the picture was taken.  I bought the Trophy a really nice camera for Christmas a couple of years ago because she wanted to get into photography.  She takes fantastic pictures with it but I didn't spend over a grand on photo equipment to have the pictures look like something my Mom took with her Polaroid instant camera!

Your kid doesn't look like he/she/it belongs in the 1960's, especially if he/she/it is wearing the latest greatest pair of Crocs....Crocs, for one, are asinine, and two, they weren't invented yet, who are you trying to fool?  Your 2012 Toyota Camry looks really shitty with the grainy, brownish colored filter.  It looks like you drive it between a cow's legs while it was taking a shit.  Just stop...please.

Now, as a student of the graphics, I understand the importance of using different filters to make different effects for the photos you want to alter.  I do it all the time, make the black and white, sepia, put a burnt edge on it to look like it was in the wild west, I do it, I get it.  But, not for everyday photos people?  You are ruining the magic of photo alteration by supporting Instagram.  Now when graphic artists show off their latest photo show, people will not "ohh and ahh" over it like they used to, now they will look at you and tell you that there's an app for that...fuck you Steve Jobs!

So, as I partake in NAD, I will show my support by posting non Instagram photos and proving that you don't need that silly little app to enjoy pictures.  I encourage everyone out there in the blogosphere reading this to join myself, SFM and Blondie to post NON-Instagram pictures to your blog, Facebook, Twitter or whatever social freak show site you use.  Long live NAD!


Taken from my cell phone...only because I didn't have a camera with me.

No Instagram required here, straight up 1970's picture bitch!

Minion #3...taking a #3

A Cubmaster's gotta do, what a Cubmaster's gotta do.

If there was any doubt I'm not a vegetarian

Shithead and Kahlua

Our wiener dog...literally.