Wednesday, August 8, 2012

50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up: Chapter 4

I have to agree with Gaston on this one.
Oh....my....God, this book sold how many copies and the author is a millionaire because of it?  Why? Why? Why?  Is it because she is British and people automatically think that anything written by a British female will be awesome?  Just because that Harry Potter lady did it doesn't mean that everyone over there in the U.K. can be awesome writers....speaking of Harry Potter, I have to give a big shout out to a faithful Minion and a good friend of mine, if you recall in my last 50 Shades report I was still having issues getting over picturing first year Hermione as the lead role in the possible movie and I had asked for a (legal) Emma Watson in a bikini picture.  Well thanks to Ryan, I now can read this, ahem, novel a little easier.

Much better....
So, when we last left off, Hermione Steeley had almost been run over by a cyclist and fell into the arms of the Grey Man and wanted to be kissed.  All this happened after they had coffee and she was tea bagged, er, I mean she had tea with him.

Steeley is staring up at the Grey Man's mouth "mesmerized" mentally demanding to be kissed.  Now as a guy I can tell you first hand that guys can be dumb and need to be told to kiss you, however the Grey Man is probably different, of course he's different, why wouldn't he be in tune with a female?  The suspense is so thick you could cut it with knife and then...he shakes his head and tells her that he is not the right guy for her.

What?  Seriously?  Four fucking chapters into this and still no sex?  No college roommate experimental sex, no laying in the bed self pleasuration, not even a freaking kiss.  So now Steeley feels dejected and unwanted and skulks away to her car, where she ends up having a mental break down and crying in the parking garage.

Come to find out that this is the first romantic try out for Steeley and she feels like she failed...poor Steeley.  She heads home and of course Double K is questioning her about how things went because that's what good friends do.  They have a little banter back and forth and then dive into crazy experimental girl-on-girl action....yeah, who am I kidding, remember no sex yet?  Steeley actually studies and then heads to bed where she dreams of, ready for it? The Grey Man, leafy patterns in foofy coffee and running.

The next day they have their final exams and of course they pass.  They of course decide to go our to a bar that night and get drunk, of course, why the hell not?  You just graduated college and you should go get annihilated.  Wait, what's this?  Steeley has never been drunk before?  Uh oh, this could spell trouble.

Wouldn't you know that the pair arrive back at the apartment to find a package sitting on the doorstep, gosh who could it be from?  The parents?  Levi?  Steeley opens the package to find first editions of Tess of the d'Urbervilles worth about $14,000 each, hmmm I'm guessing it wasn't the parents or Levi that sent them.  Only a multimillionaire would be able to afford such an extravagant gift....the Grey Man!

They head to the bar with their little Mexican buddy Jose and all three are dismantled.  Steeley decided she has to take a piss, which if you are any sort of drinker you know that once you break the golden seal you can't stop.  While in line for the bathroom...why is there ALWAYS a line at the women's bathroom anyway...she decides to drunk dial...you guessed it, the Grey Man.

Well she proceeds to "tell him off" and then hangs up on him.  Being sober and rich, the Grey Man calls her back and has the ability to track her cell phone.  What the hell?  Is he a secret agent too?  I don't get it, this author is making this guy out to the perfect bad boy that all women want and that makes it extremely difficult for us average guys to compete.  So, he tracks her phone and shows up just in time to "save" her from Jose's sexual advances, like a knight in shining armor or Batman.

The last few pages of the book are long and drawn out, I guess the author is finding it difficult to find filler to put in here, obviously she could have started the sex off earlier...that would have helped!  So Steeley pukes all over the parking lot, the Grey Man brings her back inside where they find Double K dancing with Little Grey Man (Grey's brother) and then Steeley blacks out....never a good sign, especially when you know the character of the Grey Man...oh wait, she doesn't yet.  Stay tuned for chapter 5...a drunk college chick and a deranged millionaire?  What could go wrong?

Imagination Factor








No imagination whatsoever.  Sounds like a typical college evening.

Wishful Thinking Factor





This chapter got three cuffs only because of the end where Grey tracks Steeley's phone and comes in to save the day.  The last 4-5 pages are wishful thinking.

Visualization Factor





Two cuffs, there was not a whole lot of description going on that 99% of us who lived through their twenties didn't experience first hand...college exams, break ups, $14,000 books, puking at a bar, blacking out...you know.

Pornographic Factor








I'm starting to think I shouldn't even put a cuff up with this category.....

High Expectation Factor





I gave the high expectation factor four cuffs only because of the last pages.  No guy is going to be powerful enough, let alone smart enough to track your phone to come and save the day.  It would be different if it was a small town with one or two bars you have a 50/50 shot of finding the right one, but in a city?  Forget it, you're on your own....

Classical pieces?  What does she mean by that?  Debbie Does Dallas?

14 comments:

  1. I don't see anything sweet or romantic about a man tracking a woman's cell phone. That should be the first sign that you got a creepy stalker dude.

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    1. Yup, I couldn't agree more...stay clear Steeley, stay clear!

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    2. Stop by my page when you get a chance, please.

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  2. This is great. Could you recap that trilogy about the woman with the freakin' tattoo because then I won't have to read that either?

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    1. I'm having a hell of a time getting through this book....

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  3. Ha ha this is better then reading the book. Everyone says the writing is bad but the story is good. Sorry I am too appreciative of good writing. By the way I love the beauty and the beast caption at the top.

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    1. I'm glad you are enjoying the book report. The writing is horrible and well so far the story ain't much better.

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  4. Nice! I'm impressed with your literary review...and did you know that Dr. Phil seems to think every married couple should have a copy of this series...

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  5. Ooops. Maybe that was Dr. Oz.

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    1. I'm married and the Trophy wants nothing to do with this book...Dr.Who can kiss my ass.

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  6. Creepy that he tracked her phone, but at least if it works out, she'll have tech support.

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  7. For some reason, love your weekly "book report" on this book. I am starting to think that Judy Blume's book Wifey is more over the top than the 50 Shades and well at least Judy Blume (which btw is one of my favorite writers) made the "banned book" list! :)

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  8. I got an award for you! Come and claim it!

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