Friday, December 21, 2012

Day 21: Picture Perfect

Well here we are, 21 Days into the 25 Day Project and we have started receiving the perfect family portraits at the domicile.  I'm not talking about the picture Christmas cards with the collage of your vacation to Disney, I'm talking about the fake ass, look at us, we're a perfect family picture that people only take at Christmas time.

Why pretend to be a perfect family one month out of the year?  We all know that your family is a bunch of misfits the other eleven months of the year so who are you fooling? Just because you had a picture taken in front of a roaring fire and all of you are wearing the same colored sweater doesn't mask the "Jer-ry!  Jer-ry!  Jer-ry!" stench that exudes off of you.  I call bullshit on the aspect of Christmas as well.

They're still around?????
If you're going to be insistent on forcing a family picture on us, at least be realistic about it.  Instead of going to Sears or JC Penny and having the whole family huddle in front of a green screen that will ultimately depict a magical wintery scene straight from Harry Potter take a picture of yourselves at the beach.

Dixie ain't proud today...
Not the "look we took a family vacation to Florida" beach, I'm talking about the local State Park beach.  Make sure you get all of the overweight, Chewbacca guys wearing grape smugglers in the background and don't forget to get the one couple fucking in the corner of the swimming area, that makes for a magical scene right there.  Put the kids in their matching American Flag bathing suits (because nothing says I love America more than a flag swimsuit) and the parents should be wearing the bikini that is too small for your "voluptuous" frame and the white mustard stained wife beater that shows off your farmer's tan perfectly.  Take care to smear sun block haphazardly all over the kids and yourselves and then take the picture while looking into the sun.  There, perfect!

The beach isn't your style?  OK, no problem, what about the family reunion?  That's a perfect time to take the family picture.  You can clear off the stage at the local VFW and pose for pictures there.  The other ninety people at the reunion won't mind if you halt the party for a while.  There are a couple of key elements you need in this picture though.  You need to make sure at least one beer can is visible in the shot, preferably a Coors Light or other type of white trash beer.  You also need to make sure the kid's Pokemon t-shirts are tucked in because nothing says classless like an untucked t-shirt.  The husband needs to have that half-cocked look to him and make sure the wife is wear gobs of makeup that day.
Wow....just wow.
 Along the same lines as a family reunion, you could utilize a wedding or a funeral.  You and your family are already dressed up in your "Sunday best" so right after the the kissing of the bride or the eulogy, herd your family up on the alter to make it look like you are church going people and extremely happy to be there.  Just make sure the coffin is out of the frame and don't worry about the bridal party, they have all night.

At the reception is fine too...
These are just a few ideas for your next family portraits, you know to save you time and money.  This way you can be realistic about your "perfect family" when you send out your Christmas cards next year.

Man..he stole my beer and my truck!


  1. I laughed so hard. I woke up cats and shit. Funny! You drink white trash beer?

    1. I drink white trash beer when I have a bunch of friends over, normally it's something much, much better.

  2. What... no Pabst?

    And there may or may not be a picture floating around from last Thanksgiving where I am barefoot in a cabin in the woods with no electricity with a baby on my hip while taking a shot of cinnamon whiskey. Total. Card. Material.

    1. Yeah, you should definitely make up next year's cards now with that one!