Dear Candy Cane Ass,
I normally don't write back to the MILLIONS of letters I receive every year, in fact I never do but I read yours and thought to myself...this one needs some explaining. You made some very valid points in your letter and I would like to take some time to answer them.
The first thing I want to tackle is, telling the truth doesn't always work, you've been an ass all year long and one sentence isn't going to change that. Even though I am not the same Santa that is in every mall and goes to every church breakfast, they report back to me. Kids all the time tell me that they haven't been very good all year but maybe I can give them a pass. Do I look like a priest during confession? It's not that simple..."Say two Our Fathers and call me in the morning.", that crap doesn't fly with me. It's cut an dry you're either Naughty or Nice, that's it, coal or toys, there is no in between.
The next thing I would like to explain is my fluffiness. Do you think I like being a fat ass all year long? I have a thyroid problem you jerk! I wear many layers of clothes because I don't want my moobs to show and you of all people should know that feeling. I do have an exercise program in the off season, it's called throwing my back out humping your wife.
You asked what I did in the off time? What off time? The way you humans are, Christmas basically runs year round. Just like most people, I get the typical two weeks off a year and I spend those two weeks drinking beer. Just because Christmas is over on December 26 doesn't mean I stop working you dumbass. You know all of those presents that get returned? The stores can't keep them in stock so they get shipped up here until about Valentine's Day. I recycle them with the help of my Elves into next year's presents.
Just when I think I can get a breather, you greedy bastards throw in Christmas in July! What is this shit? Now you expect me to arrive a second time AND in the middle of summer? Do you know how hard it is for a fat man to work in the middle of summer? Wait, yes you do I forgot...
Then after July 25th passes, I need to prepare for the millions of toys that I need to drop off to the kids ALL OVER THE WORLD. Did I mention MILLIONS??? That shit isn't easy to do, even with the help of my Elves who by the way fall under the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy we have up here. We download the List to our iPads and when people say we check it twice, they're wrong. I have OCD and I check it at least a dozen times. This is crunch time for me, I need to sort out the coal and the presents and it's not like we use magic to make our toys, those things are hand made bitch.
I'm sorry, I never get to vent to anyone except Mrs. Claus and she can be a downright CU Next Tuesday. I've been married to her for, um, well I lost count after a hundred years, but I've been married to her for a long, long time. I also have the therapist Elf, but she's too busy dealing with all of the Elf on the Shelf misfits. You really didn't think yours was the only "broken" one did you? I don't know what it is with those Elves, every single one of them is fucked in the head.
I have to be honest, your letter hit home and that is why I chose you to be the first person I have ever written back to. No one knows how hard it is to be Santa, but yet you hit every nail on the head. I have to make sure my reindeer aren't covered in glitter and working a pole, the Elves need to be watched 24/7 to makes sure they aren't running amok (maybe I should start CORI checking them) and I need to meet with the lawyers all the time making sure I have proper documentation for everything I do and plan to do.
My job is a very stressful job but maybe you're the one who could possibly help me. I have read your blog while on the shitter and I have to say, you and I have a lot in common. I know you probably won't be able to help out a lot but every little bit helps right? I have two simple requests that maybe you could spread the word about.
1. Instead of milk and cookies, can people leave Diet Coke and a shwarma? Too many sweets make me gassy.
2. I have a couple of favorite Christmas songs I like to hear every year. Can the people have a playlist playing for me when I drop off the presents? I would like the following songs on the playlist as they are my favorites.
P.S. I am sorry for the fucked up Elf I sent you, I tried to help out by telling him to off himself but that didn't work...