Oh, It's January? I Hadn't Noticed.

For the past several years I have developed an early warning system.  It only activates itself in the middle of December and it lasts until the middle of January...January 15th to be exact.  This early warning system isn't your typical ringing alarms or clanging bells, it's subtle and only I am aware of it.  I am aware of it because it's my body that has the early warning system in it and it warns me that I have a month to prepare for becoming one year older in January.

You may remember my post When 35 Years Old You Reach, Look As Good You Will Not.  If not, go read it, I'll wait, I'm not going anywhere.  Welcome back, now go away again and read Part II.  I get nervous sending people away from my post, I'm never sure if they will return or not but I see you made it back just fine.  What I didn't tell you about was the early warning system.

Without fail, a few days before Christmas my body starts telling me that I am going to be a year older in a month.  I start getting aches I've never had before, this year my left shoulder started aching and I haven't been able to do anything to stop it from hurting.  My lower back has stiffened up and my right leg hurts like I strained it hiking or something...I haven't gone on a hike in two months.  This year on top of the aches and pains I've increased my hair output.  I've told you about the rogue hair in the eyebrow and that I have to shave my left ear but this has increased dramatically, like I need to fix that shit twice a week now.

Last year I turned 35 at the Boston Museum of Science with fifty of my closest friends under ten years old.  I took the Cub Scout Pack there for an overnight and it was fun.  I slept on the floor of the museum and heard snoring all night long by other adults.  I was treated to a wonderful breakfast of a granola bar and yogurt after being woken up by one of my Leaders telling me their kid puked all over the sleeping area so my birthday started off at 4:00 AM.

The following day I went to visit my Mom in the hospital where she proceeded to tell me that I hate her and I wished she was dead because I was keeping her there.  Those were the last things she said to me before she passed the next day.

I'm a equal opportunity geek.

This year can only be better right?  I don't have to worry about either of my parents dying this year, we're not going to the Museum of Science and my birthday falls on a Tuesday so I will be at work all day.  The good news is I only have twelve more days until the early warning system shuts off.  So what AM I doing this year?  It involves the Cub Scouts again, but this time it is outside and on a steep mountain.

Each January we try to break up the winter doldrums by doing a weekend getaway with the Cub Scouts and this year we are doing a snow tubing sleepover.  Yes, I am already achy and sore and I am going to go snow tubing for four hours at a ski resort, spend 90% of the weekend outside in the cold and sleep over in a big hall, on the floor again.  The cool thing is we get a much better breakfast in the morning, not just a granola bar and yogurt.

I am not doing any resolutions this year either.  I've been down that road, went off the cliff and was released from the hospital.  I am going to start a Biggest Loser contest at work though, it's not a resolution to loose weight, there's cash prizes so it's purely selfish.  I did this a few years ago and dropped sixty pounds and I have been pretty successful keeping it off (within 10-13 lbs) so I am pretty confident I can do it again.  Wish me luck!

Day 23: Happy Birthday, Minion #1, You're Screwed

We have a dilemma in our domicile that rears it's ugly head every year around Christmas.  Minion #1 is a Christmas baby...well Christmas Eve baby.  #1 was thiiiis short of being the next coming of Christ or maybe the Antichrist, we'll never know because he was born at 1:23 AM on December 24th.  When he was born the nurses said he was our little Christmas gift and put him in a stocking as a present for us.  Looking back I wish I had asked for a gift receipt.  Just joking, #1 is the most "normal" of the three Minions and I use "normal" very loosely.

We know he was ours not because the tag on his ankle matched our wristbands but because he was the only white baby born in the hospital that day.  I'm not kidding, I went to the nursery to gaze upon my little bundle of joy and I got to play One of These Things Is Not Like The Others.  When our family and friends came to visit the next day we just told them to go and search for the albino in the nursery.  If this was during the Hitler era, we would have been accused of being Nazis.  #1 is a blonde haired, blue eyed, whiter than rice kid.

#1 will be nine years old on Christmas Eve but will celebrate his tenth Christmas.  Don't think about it too long, your brain will ooze out of your anus.

What about the dilemma Kev?  Right, the dilemma.  Well, like anyone born within a week of Christmas, Minion #1 will eventually get fucked over on his presents.  So far we have been able to split his gifts evenly between his birthday and Christmas but as he gets older, his tastes get more expensive.  For example last year he wanted Legos...simple and easy, you can give him Legos on both days, but this year he wanted a Nintendo 3DS and games, that's it, nothing else.  So we now have the dilemma, if we give the game system to him on his birthday he won't have anything to play until the next day and if we give the games he will know what he's getting for Christmas AND he still believes in the Fat Man from the North Pole.  Sure, there's ways around it but it's going to get more difficult each year, I mean my birthday is in January and even I was screwed in the gift department.  "Now remember Kevin, this jacket is for BOTH Christmas and your birthday."

The gift issue aside, the other issue with his birthday being in December, let alone Christmas Eve, is the birthday party.  95% of the time it is cold and miserable outside in the month of December and any good place inside to have a party costs half a year's salary.  This year we are being brave, actually I haven't decided if it's bravery or dumbassery but this year we are allowing him to invite five of his friends over for a sleepover.  It'll be fun, or so I'm told.

People always ask "How come we don't have his birthday party in the summer?"  Well brainiac, he was born in December, which means his birthday is in December.  I'm not sure if I want to celebrate the almost coming of the antichrist twice in one year.

Sure we've done the birthday parties at local establishments but we gave up on that notion a few years ago.  The first party we had at an establishment was in kindergarten, we invited all of his classmates and did a party at a laser tag place.  We had the place for two hours, they provided cake, pizza and soda and even party favors.  It cost us upwards of $300 for this extravaganza and guess what?

Only one kid showed up.

We spent almost $300 on a party for twelve and one classmate showed up...and he was late!  Sure we had a grand old time playing laser tag and eating six pizzas but let's face it, it wasn't worth it.

We skipped a year and did something simple and had friends over but then we became dumb again and this time we went to Chuck E. Cheese....fuck...that...place.

When did video games become a dollar to play?  Whatever happened to the video games we had when we were kids that cost twenty five cents, maybe fifty cents?  Each kid got twenty tokens and that lasted like three games.  After playing for a while, they called us over to have the microwaved cardboard they claim is pizza and the freaky ass rat sings to the birthday kid.  Once the grease settles and the soda has spilled, the kids turn their tickets in and get a pencil eraser and a plastic spider for 800 tickets.

That was the last time we did an establishment party.

Fucking thief!  He's stealing the Trophy's jewelry!