Sunday, December 23, 2012

Day 23: Happy Birthday, Minion #1, You're Screwed

We have a dilemma in our domicile that rears it's ugly head every year around Christmas.  Minion #1 is a Christmas baby...well Christmas Eve baby.  #1 was thiiiis short of being the next coming of Christ or maybe the Antichrist, we'll never know because he was born at 1:23 AM on December 24th.  When he was born the nurses said he was our little Christmas gift and put him in a stocking as a present for us.  Looking back I wish I had asked for a gift receipt.  Just joking, #1 is the most "normal" of the three Minions and I use "normal" very loosely.

We know he was ours not because the tag on his ankle matched our wristbands but because he was the only white baby born in the hospital that day.  I'm not kidding, I went to the nursery to gaze upon my little bundle of joy and I got to play One of These Things Is Not Like The Others.  When our family and friends came to visit the next day we just told them to go and search for the albino in the nursery.  If this was during the Hitler era, we would have been accused of being Nazis.  #1 is a blonde haired, blue eyed, whiter than rice kid.

#1 will be nine years old on Christmas Eve but will celebrate his tenth Christmas.  Don't think about it too long, your brain will ooze out of your anus.

What about the dilemma Kev?  Right, the dilemma.  Well, like anyone born within a week of Christmas, Minion #1 will eventually get fucked over on his presents.  So far we have been able to split his gifts evenly between his birthday and Christmas but as he gets older, his tastes get more expensive.  For example last year he wanted Legos...simple and easy, you can give him Legos on both days, but this year he wanted a Nintendo 3DS and games, that's it, nothing else.  So we now have the dilemma, if we give the game system to him on his birthday he won't have anything to play until the next day and if we give the games he will know what he's getting for Christmas AND he still believes in the Fat Man from the North Pole.  Sure, there's ways around it but it's going to get more difficult each year, I mean my birthday is in January and even I was screwed in the gift department.  "Now remember Kevin, this jacket is for BOTH Christmas and your birthday."

The gift issue aside, the other issue with his birthday being in December, let alone Christmas Eve, is the birthday party.  95% of the time it is cold and miserable outside in the month of December and any good place inside to have a party costs half a year's salary.  This year we are being brave, actually I haven't decided if it's bravery or dumbassery but this year we are allowing him to invite five of his friends over for a sleepover.  It'll be fun, or so I'm told.

People always ask "How come we don't have his birthday party in the summer?"  Well brainiac, he was born in December, which means his birthday is in December.  I'm not sure if I want to celebrate the almost coming of the antichrist twice in one year.

Sure we've done the birthday parties at local establishments but we gave up on that notion a few years ago.  The first party we had at an establishment was in kindergarten, we invited all of his classmates and did a party at a laser tag place.  We had the place for two hours, they provided cake, pizza and soda and even party favors.  It cost us upwards of $300 for this extravaganza and guess what?

Only one kid showed up.

We spent almost $300 on a party for twelve and one classmate showed up...and he was late!  Sure we had a grand old time playing laser tag and eating six pizzas but let's face it, it wasn't worth it.

We skipped a year and did something simple and had friends over but then we became dumb again and this time we went to Chuck E.

When did video games become a dollar to play?  Whatever happened to the video games we had when we were kids that cost twenty five cents, maybe fifty cents?  Each kid got twenty tokens and that lasted like three games.  After playing for a while, they called us over to have the microwaved cardboard they claim is pizza and the freaky ass rat sings to the birthday kid.  Once the grease settles and the soda has spilled, the kids turn their tickets in and get a pencil eraser and a plastic spider for 800 tickets.

That was the last time we did an establishment party.

Fucking thief!  He's stealing the Trophy's jewelry!


  1. Happy Birthday to Minion #1!

    My mom has her Birthday on the 26th, so ya, I know how that sucks. Our Middle Child, has his Birthday right in the midst of harvest, so the majority of his birthdays were spent eating cake off the tail gate of a pick-up truck in a field someplace. Now he throws his own parties.

    Just wanted to say thanks for activating your mobile link to your blog. I do most of my reading off my phone and it really helps.

    1. I saw it wasn't activated and said to myself, I need to activate it for Ken!

  2. We've been scouting places for the boy's birthday, coming up in January. We checked out CEC a couple weeks ago... I wanted to run as soon as we entered the place. I don't know know about yours, but on top of all the other things you mentioned, that place is FILTHY! I kept waiting for the pinkeye and ebola to show up...

    1. Never had an issues with it being filthy, just expensive.

  3. Another year older and one step closer to achieving world domination. Hope that you had a wonderful birthday Minion#1. :)

    1. I will pass along the birthday wishes, I may avoid the world domination part...