Monday, December 24, 2012

Day 24: The Day Before Christmas

***This was originally posted last December on Christmas Eve.  I thought it was pretty good so I wanted to repeat it, also I am in fact working today last year I was fortunate to have it off.***

Here it is, the day before Christmas and I'm relaxing...shhh don't tell anyone. I guess I will post about Christmas...

Twas the day before Christmas and all through the dwelling,
The smell of beer farts were still lingering and smelling.
The moose lights were all strung up with care,
With hopes that St. Nick would still come there.

The three boys were watching a movie called Santa Clause,
While Christmas tunes were being belted out by The Boss.
And mom in the kitchen baking all sorts of crap,
The dog all nestled, warm in my lap.

When out in the driveway arose such a clatter,
I proceeded to yell "Now what the hell is the matter?"
Opening the front door to find my next door neighbor,
Asking me if I could come over and help him with some sort of labor.

After an hour of helping and busting my ass,
I realized that my precious day off was going by very fast.
When, what to my amazed eyes should appear?
But an ice cold yummy beer.

With the 1.5 year old down for a nap,
I pondered what to do tonight just like a sap.
You see, it's the oldest son's birthday today,
Which means he chooses dinner, it's Olive Garden he does say.

"Now Tristan, Daniel and Benjamin let's get on the go,
Get in the truck, oh for god sakes you're so frickin slow!
Don't forget your coat and Ben please tie your shoe,
Oh crap, we forgot to wrap Daniel's present, think he'll have a clue?"

As we drive up to Keene, like a jet plane we fly,
When we meet with an obstacle, last minute shoppers, sigh.
The parking lot was full of cars and trucks which totally blew,
But on Christmas Eve, no one goes out to eat except for the occasional Jew.

And then, after dinner was done,
We pile back into the truck and look at Christmas lights, what fun!
As I drive the family around,
The kids get real bored and quick so it's homeward bound.

We all gather 'round getting ready to watch the Star Wars Holiday bit,
A show so terrible even Lucas disowned it.
A special about Life Day and Chewie's family,
And it's a must watch for any Star Wars fan, especially me.

This year Santa has a request for which cookie he favors
According to the note from school, snicker doodles are what he savors.
Now the wife, getting back into the kitchen,
Whips up a batch of cookies, the whole time bitching.

Milk they say is what he drinks with his cookie,
Personally I think he would prefer a glass of whiskey.
Oh yeah that Elf on the Shelf, one more time we must hide,
Before we can bid that fucking little bastard goodbye.

Now all the kids are tucked safe in bed,
The wife and I sneaking presents before we get caught, hands of red.
With the gifts under the tree, the cookies I have to eat,
We look at each other and say "Shit, time for bed, we're beat."

Before we can hit the hay,
My phone rings, it's a friend, the one who is gay.
He wishes us a Merry Christmas and invites us to New Years,
He lures us in with promises of lots of beers.

Now we're finally lying down in bed,
Visions of 5:30 AM dance in our head.
But, thinking back I would have to tell you,
I wouldn't trade my family or anything that they do.

So, Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope Santa brings you everything you ask for!

I've had it with Gonads, thank the maker this is the last night for him!


  1. Great poem! It was really funny :) I've never seen the Star Wars Christmas thing...I'll have to find it and check it out. Sometimes the more awful something is, the more fun it is.

  2. I'm with you on the Whiskey for Santa. We actually used to leave out a beer for Santa, being as the ex never drank anything else after noon.

  3. That picture at the end is awesome! I'm strangely tempted to do the Elf on the Shelf thing next year, kind of like how you can't look away from a car wreck.

    I especially liked this bit:

    "Now Tristan, Daniel and Benjamin let's get on the go,
    Get in the truck, oh for god sakes you're so frickin slow!"

  4. Ha! Very funny, but you sure don't paint a very flattering image of your wife. I would kick your ass. :)

  5. Well done. You were busy writing on your day off!

  6. How have I gone this long without seeing the Star Wars Christmas? Funny poem...sorry to hear you had to work this year.

  7. Bwah-hahaha! And I've seen the Star Wars Christmas special. Wookies everywhere...