Friday, April 6, 2012

This Was Not Supposed To Be About Facebook

Dude Write

I am not innocent in this post at all, I have fallen trap to the horrible disease called Facebook.  Yes, I frequent Facebook, yes, I post on Facebook, yes, I even play some games on Facebook but it can be a terrible, terrible thing when it takes over like a demonstrative demon (is that a double negative?)  I have done all of the things I am about to ramble about.

This would have sold me....
Facebook is a love/hate relationship, addiction and motivator all rolled into one.  Let me back track a little bit.  I joined MySpace years ago to promote my graphics business and I found quite a few old acquaintances that I reconnected with.  After a few months someone said I should try the new up and coming thing called Facebook, it's WAY better than MySpace.  I told them no, I don't want to join something that will be a fad and gone in a few years and MySpace was were everything happens.  Well being the dumbass I am I was wrong and obviously signed up for Facebook.  Now Facebook has over taken EVERYTHING including MySpace.

Let me give props to Facebook first.  It is a great tool to find old friends you lost contact with, to network with other people in your trade and to catch up on news and events.  It is awesome to spread the word of your blog, give information quicker than a phone and to play the occasional mind numbing game.  It's a fantastic way to promote your business, it's free and most of the time it's fun.  FB is not 100% a tool of the devil, just 98.9%

Now with that being said, I despise Facebook as well. Having the FB is like dating your psycho ex-girlfriend (sorry to any of those who are reading this, I swear I'm not talking about you...) one day everything is going great, you are enjoying the experience and then all of a sudden they decide to change their hair color. You get used to the hair color and then they decided to cut their hair and change it again.  This time it takes you a while to get used to the change but it works now.  The psycho girlfriend tells you that they love you, you're the best and everything is great, but then an hour later there is an update on her emotions and how crappy life is, how bad things suck and their relationship status is single.

There are aspects of Facebook that I despise more than others.

Maybe it was someone you know....
1.  The Friends List.  I started with ONLY people I had personal relations with at some point, then it went to acquaintances.  For the longest time, that was the way it was.  As I met people and acquired their info, I added them.  Over the years I have removed people from my friends list, I don't care how many people I have on my list.  There should be a way to segregate your friends list, like a WWE four way tag match.  In one corner the reigning champions, your REAL friends.  In the second corner, your acquaintances.  In the third corner, the people you keep on your friends list to make yourself feel better because they post about how shitty their lives are and in the fourth corner the underdogs, the people you have on your friends list to keep tabs on.

2.  Certain Status Posters.  The Pity Party Posters are the people who post status updates that go something like "OMG, I can't believe that happened!" leaving the other people in the FB world to feel compelled to comment on their status just to find out what happened or they have a status update like "My life sucks, I can't believe I don't have any money to go out with my man (refer to my What Did You Call Me post) now I need to stay home and spend time with the kids."  Then there are the Here's My Schedule For The Day posters.  They post once a day, usually in the morning and it goes something like this, "Woke up, fed the pigs, taking a shit, need to take the kid to the bus stop, then go to Walmart to get tampons and condoms, then stop at Burger King to get a #3, then I need to go to NH to get my smokes, then back home to get the kid off the bus, feed him, then drop him off at his grandma's, after than I don't know, any suggestions?"  Who the hell cares what you need to do today other than you?  This tidbit of information would be useful if I was a deranged rapist stalker, but I'm not.

Leave it to the sidekick....
3.  The Check In-er.  I've done this one in the past knowingly that I was pissing a certain person off, other than that nope.  These are people who "check-in" EVERY FUCKING WHERE they go.  X just checked in at the bus stop, X just checked in at Shaws, X just checked in at Walmart's shitter.  Again useful information for....NO ONE!

No, I can't go, I need to harvest my pigs.
5.  Some of the other games.  I say some only because I do play some games on the FB.  I do not like any of the "shit"ville games.  I'm a geek, proud and true, so I like playing some of the strategy games.  However, I have fallen trap to the game that Alec Baldwin got kicked off the plane for...Friends With, I mean, Words With Friends.  I caved to peer pressure and downloaded the app on my iPad, just to see what the fuss was all about. It's like Scrabble...but more evil.  I have officially given up on this game after only a few days.  It's not that I don't enjoy playing against my friends, it's that I am not the best when it comes to vocabulary and well, I don't think some of the words it allows people to play are real words.  I play words like cat, apple, beer, fart.  They play words like aval, abap and some Spanish least I think they are Spanish.  I despise the game.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go update my status to tell everyone I'm going to get a beer, check my farm and poke someone.  If I'm lucky, maybe I can fling virtual livestock at someone.

Oh and by the way feel free to share this on Facebook with one of the many share options I provided you....yes I sold out just a little.  No seriously, spread the word.....



  1. HAHA I love you, I still think we share a brain.

    1. It continues to amaze me the similarities of our thought process....and the fact that we are both Massholes too...

  2. I has a friend who seemed to be under the misapprehension that she was a;so a meteorologist.

    "Looks like it's going to rain all day." Followed by the obvious statement of, "It's raining," Thanks for that information friend, because obviously living in a cave without windows and having ACTUAL eyes, prevents me from deciphering the weather for myself...rant over.

    And if you're 'not the best at vocabulary' then shit, I'm not a female with a 'Lady Garden' and a crazy arsed child!

    1. I forgot about the Captain Obvious status updates like "It's fricking nice out" or "It's raining", yeah those ones are like no shit Sherlock...

  3. You forgot the hyper-happy motivational quote spammers. I have a friend that literally shares a minimum of 5 posters/quotes with content like "Once you choose hope, anything is possible" (her actual latest posted picture). When she's not doing that it's all about how happy she's with her life and what a wonderful day/week she's having. If you're that happy all the time you should probably cut down a bit on the Prozac.

    Well observed sir. Facebook is a great place, but, much like life, it's filled with...ahem...interesting people.

  4. I'm with Daniel...I had a friend who spent evenings and weekends listening to music on YouTube and felt that each one was so evocative as to be shared. Most of Facebook is noise. I started removing people merely because I asked if I would ever hang out with them.

    Great work, Kevin, you nailed Facebook and I will not share it because that would be wrong. I will put it on Google+ where nobody hangs


  5. I don't post anything on Facebook myself, but I love to read the ridiculousness. My favorite poster is this girl that I have maybe had 5 conversations with in my life, yet I could tell you everything about her day to day life, as well as how the entire world has done her wrong. She is so dramatic and I love the entertainment value of reading her posts :)

  6. I love the people who rage-quit Facebook or twitter. That's like taking your ball and going home, or running away from home when you're 4.

    Adult temper tantrums... we know you're doing it for attention and we know you'll be back...

    That said, Facebook is a universal IQ-lowerer

  7. The one's that annoy me are mostly the teenage angst girls. (mostly my relatives, I don't follow random teenage girls)
    They usually post something like, ......some people should leave well enough alone! Or, ......that was an ignorant thing to do!

    What the hell? Can you not be bothered to relay a complete thought? I know why though, It's so 150 of their friends, simultaneously reply, "what's wrong hon? UG! It drives me crazy!

  8. The thing that gets me is after one of these rants I have read a statement like "I wish everyone would stay out of my business"

    If you were not displaying all of your business then no one would know--whose fault is this?

  9. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. There's so much nonsense, but its and easy way to keep up with friends and family, and reconnect with others.

  10. Hell to the yes. I've got one FB friend who checks in constantly. If somebody wanted to arrest him, he'd be totally making it easy. Another one posts every ache, every pain, every cough. Once she posted that she was stirring the soup. When she didn't post again for 6 hours (unusual for her), I asked if her arm was tired yet. Like we give a shit.