Thursday, December 6, 2012

Day 6: Who Brought The Camel?

I'm double dipping on this post today because...today is Thursday and...eh, shit you've heard this before.
This week's Theme Thursday...uh, theme fits perfectly into my 25 Day long project, What I Love Hate About Christmas.  I have and will have multiple posts about this topic...hmm, I guess this is more of an advertisement for upcoming posts.  By the way, feel free to catch up on Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4 and Day 5 if you haven't read them yet.

I was headed to work yesterday and I saw a big light up sign with a big neon arrow pointing down a road.  On the sign it said Living Nativity Open!  Fri, Sat and Sun 6-9 PM.  Unfortunately I was late-ish for work and couldn't take time to CrackBerry a picture, but that got me thinking about Living Nativities.
This is the one I was talking about, Jesus has a website I guess!
I was raised in a cult Catholic until I had my confirmation and then I went all Agnostic on their asses, but that was eighteen years of going to church religiously twice a month twice a year, on Easter and Christmas and if someone got married or died.  Sitting in a church for two hours every Sunday doesn't make you any more christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.  However I was made to go to C.C.D. every week until I was confirmed.

Every Christmas while decorating the house, we had to take special care of my Mom's Manger set or Nativity if you will.  It was a traditional Manager set with Mary, Joseph, the three Wise Men, a shepherd with a sheep wrapped around it's neck (not kidding), a cow, a donkey, a camel and of course the sweet naked baby Jesus.  The figures were placed into a lean-to shelter made of bamboo and real hay.  On top it had a star with one of those giant colored light bulbs from the 70's where if you touched it you would get second degree burns.  Huh, thinking back I'm surprised our house never caught on fire from the Death-tivity set.  Of course I would add my own figures in there to protect the sweet naked baby Jesus and every morning my Mom would remove a few G.I. Joe, Star Wars or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures.  Short story long, I know what a Nativity is.

Holy sheep!  This was part of the set Mom had!
But a Living Nativity?  I've heard of these before but I have never witnessed one.  I live in New England as you know, and it gets colder than a moose's nutsack up here during December so it would seem a few vital parts of the Nativity would not be present and you would find an 80% or less complete Living Nativity.  Sure cows, sheep and people are easy to put in place but what about the other aspects that you would need?

Check it's ass, is it real?
First and most obvious, who in their right mind would loan their newborn kid out to a group of Kringle worshiping nut jobs?  Even if you knew these people, it wouldn't authentic without Jesus in swaddling clothes right?  Instead you would find a baby shoved in one of those potato sack snow suits because sweet naked baby Jesus was wrapped in a sheet or blanket or something (so we've been told) and no one in their right mind would allow that to happen to their precious.  You would end up with a Cabbage Patch Kid instead and right there is false advertisement for a Living Nativity.

Thanks Uncle Achmed!
Second, where do you find a camel in New England besides at the zoo?  Aren't they indigenous to the desert?  When setting up one of these scenes do you have to put a call in to your "uncle" in Egypt and have them ship a camel over in the Black Market so you can use it for a few weeks in December?  That doesn't make sense at all, I mean, you'd have to get it through customs, smuggle it over state lines like Han Solo on the Kessel run, hide it in your garage so your neighbors won't see and then ship it back to Egypt when you're done with it.  Again, false advertisement if you don't have a camel in your Nativity scene.

Jesus's 1st words, what is this shit?
What about the frankincense, gold and myrrh? Gold, although fairly expensive, is easy to get a hold of but what the frankincense is myrrh?  I had to take a quick Google break to find out myself.  Frankincense and Myrrh are both shit that comes from Arab trees and can be used to make perfume...ahhh that makes sense now, babies are really smelly and they didn't have Glade back then, I got it!  But...did you call your "uncle" again and have it shipped over?  It sounds pretty risky to me, I've been caught with fruit in my backpack at the airport before, my ass is still sore from them making sure I didn't have anymore.  Without these three items, the Wise Men would be giving Hickory Farms sausage logs, fruitcakes and ugly sweaters to the sweet naked baby Jesus (who is being played by a Cabbage Patch Kid).  False advertisement.

I'm not even going to bother talking about the angel that appears....

If you liked this post, head on over HERE to check out fellow Theme Thursday writers and add your own if you want.

So I confronted the little asshole Gonads last night and threatened him with death and dismemberment if he went near my Star Wars Legos again.  Well I guess he was hitting the bottle again because he pulled a gloc on my ass...







6 comments:

  1. So funny!! Smuggling camels! hahaha. Your elf scares me.

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    Replies
    1. I am ashamed for jumping on the whole elf bandwagon but oh well.

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  2. This reminds me of the Live Nativity episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry pisses off Joseph when he says suggestive things about Mary. Have you seen it? It's great. Then he bites the head off the Jesus cookie and pisses his wife's family off. Yeah...the whole living nativity thing...they need to work through the logistics a little.

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