Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Gnome In Your Home

Have you guys heard of the Elf on the Shelf?  Don't fucking lie to me of course you have, I've written about it, it's been around since the 1970's and that stuck up, half witted, blow hard went viral with her post about the damn Elf which I am sure you've read a million times.  I wonder how she's doing after her new found fame and fortune, I kind of hope she blew it all on crack or male hookers like every other celebrity does.  I take that back, I don't wish any harm or ill fortune to fall upon her, just a little syphilis or something along those lines, nothing major.

It's the second gayest thing I've seen today.
Anyway, sorry for my rant, I promised myself if I started blogging again I wouldn't go off on rants like that.  Which we all know is improbable.  So the other day I was watching TV with the Minions, (you remember the Minions right?) and a Target commercial came on and the star of the commercial was that damn Elf.  Of course the Minions were asking when our Elf was going to show up, whatever the hell his name is...fluffernutter, assloaf, shit for brains, I can't remember.  I told the Minions that we need to get through Thanksgiving first and the little bastard could wait his turn in the Holiday rotation.  Why do people skip Thanksgiving anyway?  A day devoted to nothing but food!  But that post has already been written.

Much to my surprise they were OK with that and thus I bought us more time to hopefully forget about the little bastard.  As many of you know, my brain works in odd ways and I got to thinking about other mythical creatures like an elf and how they could play a part in the Christmas celebration.

The first guy I thought of was the Troll in the Bowl.  Much like the Elf on the Shelf, the Troll in the Bowl arrives just in time for Christmas and makes sure the kids behave.  I mean where do most kids misbehave?  The bathroom!  What?  Just my house?  OK, fine.  The only problem with the Troll is that he is stuck in THE bowl...the toilet bowl.  I guess, placing a weird little Troll in your toilet bowl is not only gross but it could really freak some people out.  Imagine going to a friend's house and having to use the restroom, you lift the lid and there is the troll from Monty Python staring up at you.

I'll admit it, not my best idea in the world but let me introduce you to....

The Gnome in Your Home

Ah, yes the Gnome in Your Home.  Unlike the Elf on the Shelf, the Gnome in Your Home is not for the kiddos, he represents the parents.  This welcomed house guest arrives whenever he damn well feels like it.  He could show up during your traditional carving of the turducken or maybe he will wait until you are half way through December and show up during the Star Wars Holiday Special, you'll never know and that's the best part of the Gnome, he's a lazy bastard that supports you so you don't have to worry if didn't get a chance to move the stupid Elf.

The Gnome in Your Home is a freaky mythical creature, much like your Uncle Fred, you're not sure what to make of him.  He usually sits in the corner and watches everyone while nursing his Schlitz.  But nothing compares to the true story of the Gnome in Your Home, stay tuned.

See what I did there?  It's called a cliff hanger, like when you're watching a TV show and they tell you to tune in next week to see if Bo and Luke made it out of the mine before Boss Hog blew it up.


  1. I'm really digging the Troll in the Bowl.

    Didn't your elf sit on a poop last year?

  2. That's pretty good, but I prefer celebrating the Whore in the Door. Which in Britain is the Hooker playing Snooker.

  3. After your Dukes of Hazard reference, I kind of regretted not having read this whole post in my Waylon Jennings voice.

  4. I don't get Elf on a Shelf. I really don't. My facebook is lit up with with pictures of people's elves.

  5. Since this year was Thankgivingkuh or whatever…you saw Mensch On the Bench, right? Oy vey.