Thursday, April 24, 2014

Unfriend In The A To Z Challenge

The letter U in the A to Z Challenge.  Unbelievable, it's gone this far, I'm pretty sure I don't want to do this next year...we'll see.  So I started doing something lately that has made me uncomfortable doing, I've started unfriending people on Facebook.

Most of the time it's not because I despise them in person, it's because of what they post or how often they post or something like that.  I just unfriended someone today in fact and I'm sure I've been unfriended before too.  No worries, I like Facebook but I like something else for communicating called real life.  You should try it sometime, it's nice.

Unfriending someone today made me think of why and who I have been unfriending.  I have 654 friends on Facebook (on my personal account) and I can confidentially say that I actually know and have had contact with these people in the past or currently, but some of them have become, how would you say, ob-fucking-noxious.  Here's what I came up with for the unfriending frenzy as of late.

Posting pictures NO ONE cares about.

I get it, people take pictures more than ever, especially with their cell phones.  I'm guilty of it too but I don't think I am guilty posting pictures no one cares about.  You took your kid to the movies, now all of a sudden you have to take pictures of him/her in front of the Spiderman 2 movie poster or in front of Optimus Prime.  Who...the fuck...cares?  People go to the movies all the time, no one cares that you went to movies.  I take a shit three times a day, should I start posting my bowel movements?

My life sucks and everything is going wrong status updates.

How can I put this delicately....suck it up you attention grabbing whore!  Life isn't fair, no sir, not even close, but you don't have to updated you status on how bad your life sucks.  I know you're trying to get someone to swallow the hook and engage you with the "What's wrong?", "Awww, sorry hun, can I help?" and the ever famous "You're strong, you'll get through this."  Look, you can deal with the hangnail, sprained ankle, constipation, staying home at night or whatever you think is a life crisis on your own, I'm pretty sure of it.  Now if I saw a status saying that the knives are looking sharp, I MIGHT engage you.

The people who don't post anything 358 days a year until they go on vacation.

For 358 days a year we don't hear a peep out of you, maybe the occasional funny picture post or game request but nothing on a regular basis...until you and your dysfunctional family go on vacation.  Congratulations, you're going to Hampton Beach, Walla Walla, or Nazi-World, I mean Disney World.  We're glad you are able to take a vacation with the family, but shut - the - fuck - up about it.  You don't have to "check in" at every restaurant you go to, every mini golf course you play at or where you are on your road trip...just don't it's annoying.  Sure, post a few pictures from your trip and call it day but for shit's sake, why do you have to post every lobster you eat?  Again, I don't post a picture of every turd I drop....wait a minute...I might be onto something there, people post their meals, maybe I will start posting pictures of my post meals...hmmmm.

The I'm better than you are people.

This one is simple, we don't fucking care.  You're not better than me, him or her.  You're not better than anyone, so don't drown my newsfeed with the great deal you go by shopping online with Groupon, stop telling everyone how great of a mom you are because you made cupcakes with Mickey Fucking Mouse ears on them.  WHO GIVES A FLYING STEAMING PILE OF WOMBAT SHIT?  You are no better than anyone, in fact you're probably compensating for how bad you suck as a parent.

Ah, there, that's better, it's like going to a confession, just without the whole creepy, priest in the private box thing.