Saturday, December 8, 2012

Day 8: That's A Christmas Movie?

A few days ago I tackled the Christmas "Special" side of the holiday.  I limited it to TV shows and we all took a trip down memory lane with some classic episodes and I even teased many of you with a glimmer of hope about the Star Wars Holiday Special.  We now leave the small screen (because 42" TVs are considered small now) and go to the big screen aspect of Christmas.

Just like TV Christmas "Specials" there is a plethora of Christmas Movies out there and we all have had to endure sitting through them.  Now, let my heart grow a little bit here, I enjoy most of them and will openly watch movies like A Christmas Story, Home Alone (the 1st one, not 2-5), Miracle on 34th Street, The Santa Clause (Disney bought Tim Allen's soul too), Polar Express and so on.  I enjoy them, they are good movies.

I refuse to watch any Christmas Movie that airs on the We Hate Men Channel (Lifetime) because like every other movie shown there, the man is ALWAYS portrayed as the bad guy and everyone should be lesbians and live happily ever after.  I can only imagine what happens with a Christmas movie shown on T.W.H.M. channel...Santa gets arrested for breaking and entry, brought up on sexual harassment charges for calling women ho's and Mrs. Claus kills him for cheating on her with Vixen (and I'm not talking the stripper).  On the same note I don't watch the movies on the Hallmark channel either because it's supposed to be a happy time of year and all they play are tear jerkers.  That's exactly what I need right now, to be pushed deeper into a depression funk.
Everyone loves the traditional movies this time of year but there are some that a lot of people forget about.  Just like the Christmas "Special" Top 5 I did a few days ago, I bring you the Top 5 Most Missed Christmas Movies.

5.  Gremlins - What?  Gremlins?  Yeah, it was based around a Christmas present!  Gizmo was given to Billy as a Christmas gift and like all gifts it came with rules that Billy broke.  Don't get them wet, don't expose them to sunlight and don't feed them after midnight...kind of sounds like an ex-girlfriend of mine.  I personally liked Gremlins 2 but I am more of a comedy guy anyway.  Gremlins teaches us that no matter how bad the gift is or how much you want the money instead, you can't return it without a receipt.

4.  Die Hard - Yippie-kay-yay-mother fucker and Merry Christmas.  The whole movie starts on Christmas eve when a NY cop comes to LA to make amends with his ex-wife.  Nothing says Merry Christmas like a rogue cop stuck in a building shooting terrorists.  The building gets blown up, bullets fly and the best part is Professor Snape is in it and guess what?  He plays the bad guy!  It's a must watch this season and I guarantee it will warm the cockles of your heart (yes I said cockles again).

3.  Eight Crazy Nights - We need to be nondenominational here.  You know there are other holidays that fall in December other than Christmas right?  All I have to say about this movie is it has all the great actors in it...Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler, Jon Lovitz, Rob Schneider, Adam Sandler.  The only character that looks somewhat normal and not entirely cartoonish is Adam Sandlers character...go figure.  If you are looking for Christmas movie about an alcoholic clepto who  is Jewish then this is the movie for you!

2.  Batman Returns - Holy tinsel up the ass Batman!  Set in the Christmas season, Gotham City (which ALWAYS looks like a demilitarize zone) struggles getting the city Christmas lights lit.  I guess billionaire Bruce Wayne couldn't kick in a little moola for that and could have avoided the whole pesky Penguin situation. Oh and how can you beat Michelle Pheiffer in a skin tight, rubber Catwoman suit? Regardless, this Batman movie takes place during the Christmas season and should be considered a Christmas Movie.

1.  Life of Brian - Surprise!  Yeah this Monty Python film really didn't have anything to do with Christmas except that Brian was born on the same day as Jesus Christ himself!  Whaaaaaaat?  In the manger next door!  Jesus is the reason for the season remember, unless you celebrate one of the other holidays in December but you can ask any Catholic, those don't count.  Even if it doesn't have a lot to do with Christmas, it's Monty Python for shit's sake, so watch it.

I have one honorable mention before I wrap it up.  One movie that always gets overlooked is James Bond 007:  The World Is Not Enough.  Dr. Christmas Jones and Bond are hooking up and 007 says to her, "I thought Christmas only came once a year."  thus making it a Christmas Movie.

Once again I got the drop on Gonads and cornered him eating my Hickory Farms smoked sausage log (now we know what made him drop that stink pickle) and he is a quick little bastard, he reached for the knife and took a stab at me before dissapearing into...well wherever the fuck he goes when he reports to the Fat Man of the North.


  1. "Holy tinsel up the ass Batman!" What a great list of Christmas-ish movies. I agree about Lifetime and Hallmark.

    1. Thank you and I'm impressed, a woman who doesn't watch the We Hate Men channel!

  2. I'm more of a dude in a lot of ways.

  3. Life Of Brian!! "That fish is good enough for Jehovah!" Love Python!

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