Friday, December 14, 2012

Day 14: Social Obligations

Yet another thing that went viral before me
Deck the halls and all that crap.

It's no wonder the suicide rate increases this time of year.  It's not because of depression and missing loved ones, it's the obligations you have to maintain.  Each year after the Christmas dust has settled and the Elf is shoved back in the book he came from, you get eleven months to prepare for next Christmas and like most people the only time you think of Christmas is when you open your credit card bills.  Then November comes swooshing in to remind you, "Hey slapnuts!  You need to overdraw your bank account and buy presents for people."

So you make a list of the people you have to buy for, check it twice like the bearded pedophile from the north and then cross out people who gave you shitty things last year or nothing at all.

"Hmmm, Beatrice...she gave me that dollar scratch ticket that I not only didn't win anything on but lost the quarter that I used to scratch it.  She's not getting anything from me, that bitch."

You take your list and hit the internet running to look at things before braving the mall.  You figure out what to buy each person and bing, bang, boom you're finished like a horny Elf with Mrs. Claus on Christmas Eve.  Then it happens.  Your phone gets a text message.

"We're having a Secret Santa party this Saturday, you guys in?  Bring booze, chips and a Secret Santa present."

Fucking frankincense!  Now I have to go and get a Secret Santa gift and why's it called Secret Santa?  Everyone knows that you bought a gift, it's hardly a secret at all.  That and they are usually crappy gifts.  I usually drop $20 at the Dollar Tree and pick up an assortment of goodies to wrap up and put into the Super Secret Santa.

Then your phone chimes again, this time with an email.

Hey guys, we are having a small dinner party with some friends and wanted to see if you and the Minions wanted to come over.  It's nothing fancy just a prime rib, homemade pies, some gourmet side dishes and we found a bottle of wine from 1943 that we forgot we had.  Don't feel obligated to bring anything though.

Oh's something I don't want to do.
Jesus, kissing balls, Prancer!  Don't feel obligated to bring anything?  What kind of schlub do you think I am?  You're inviting us to this black tie affair and say not to bring anything?  This means a trip to the New Hampshire Wine Outlet to grab a couple bottles of wine to bring.

Returning home from the dinner party, you stumble up the front steps and trip over a box filled with wrapped presents with a note taped to the door.

We were in the neighborhood and thought we'd swing by and drop off yours and the The Trophy's Christmas gifts but you weren't home.  Don't open them until Christmas hee hee.  Call me later to let me know you got them.

Just happened to be in the neighborhood?  You live in Maine for snow tubing sake!  Do you know what you just did?  You gave me another social obligation to give a gift.  I know you aren't expecting anything but when someone gives you a gift and it isn't a thank you gift, you are socially obligated to give one back.  What the festival of lights!  Now I find myself in a predicament, I don't know how much to spend on them because I can't open the gifts for another nine days, I don't want to get something cheaper than what they gave me and I don't want to get something more expensive either.  So now I need to break the vow I unknowingly took and open the presents before Christmas, not only am I socially obligated but now I'm lying to my friends.

I will let Sheldon Cooper explain this rational.

Oh and for Gonads, I guess he found something to put the condom on....

 Yeah, I'm not even going to comment on this...he is one sick bastard.  I've dealt with Gonads long enough.


  1. Jesus, kissing balls, Prancer!

    I love Sheldon - or more than that - I love the mind that makes Sheldon's script. God bless Chuck Lorre.

    1. The character of Sheldon is brilliant, I'm loving how they are giving him some actual human emotions this season.

  2. I'm so glad that I am so vocal about hating Christmas. That, and the fact I live 3,000 miles from home keeps me out of all of this fuss.

    The hot dog is bigger than he is. That is going to hurt.

    1. Hate is a strong word, hate leads to the Dark Side.

  3. I have enjoyed reading your 25 Days of Christmas postings! I hate the social obligations too :( I just received an email reminder about on in particular and there is normally never enough fruit cakes to go around for that one. :/ Hilarious posting!

    1. Thanks! Are you talking about the bricks or the people at the party?

  4. There is something very wrong with your Elf...very wrong indeed

  5. Er...on the issue of Gonads, I know the name of a very good therapist.