Tuesday, September 4, 2012

50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up: Chapter 5

Just in case you forgot who might be in the role of Steeley...
My humble apologies, I have not given a chapter report in quite some time...nah, fuck it, I take that back, if I didn't make a commitment and promise to my readers I wouldn't be reading this frickin' book and besides I covered my ass in the original post about 50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up, by being crystal clear that if I had other things to write about, they would trump this.  So back...the...fuck...up.

Ahem, anyway, sorry for that, I'm calm now (thank you Hermione).  In reality I completed chapter 5 about a month ago but alas, refer to the first paragraph.  So, to catch up, Steeley gets obliterated at a club, the Grey Man swoops in and rescues her from the clutches of the evil Jose, there's puke everywhere and she passes out....oh and still no sex.

Steely wakes up in an unfamiliar yet familiar room wearing nothing but a t-shirt, bra and panties.  It's the hotel room of the Grey Man.  He walks in and she turns all goopy again dripping with pussy juice (hey, I needed to make it somewhat interesting).  She interrogates him and the who, where and why of how she got there and of course the question is asked if they had sex and of course it turns out, they didn't..holy shit Batman, you're kidding me (end sarcasm).  She also scolds him for the Spy vs. Spy intel phone tracking too, come to find out any Joe Schmoe can get the software on the internet.....riiiiight.

So after the interrogation and scolding, he refers to himself as Batman, well the Dark Knight, well A dark knight and he also makes reference to her being his property.  CLANG!  CLANG!  CLANG! Psycho alert!  Get the fuck out!  He showers, then she showers and the author makes a semi, close reference to Steeley playing with herself in the shower, close...by like a mile.  She gets out and there are new clothes for her.

He orders breakfast for her, continues to control her, while at the same time hitting on her.  You sly dog Grey Man, you sly dog.  So after some sexual tension and flirty banter between the two of them he springs the "contract" or "written consent" on her.  Holy fuckballs, this guys is giving more bad vibes off than a serial rapist.  He also keeps flaunting his wealth, proof once again some women are gold digging whores...just saying.

The Grey Man confides in her that they did sleep together the night before, finally sex!  Nope, they SLEPT, like close your eyes and start snoring slept together.  They head down to the elevator and get in it.  BAM!  He can't control himself now, he lunges on her and pushes her up against the wall and they....kiss.  Oh and the word erection gets thrown in there as well.  Maybe, just maybe next chapter will have some sort of vividness to it.  I'm not holding my breath though.

Imagination Factor

Again, I was tempted to not put a cuff rating on this one.  No imagination at all, I mean who hasn't waken up in a strange place with nothing but their skivvies on?

Wishful Thinking Factor

One cuff, nothing wishful on this one.  This is all too realistic and sucky.

Visualization Factor

The best part of this chapter, you do get a little visualization of Steeley's shower scene, again for some reason the author is focusing on the Grey Man

Pornographic Factor

With the exception of the shower scene and the elevator sentences, it was not pornographic at all.  But what is it about elevators?

High Expectation Factor

No high expectations from the author, everything was, again, pretty realistic.

Why the hell am I reading this shit again?

Oh yeah, I was promised very descriptive sex scenes....


  1. I think waking up in the presence of a serial rapist, would be LESS threatening then being in Grey's company!

    Sorry, still have to wait until chapter 8 for the sex. :D

  2. I want the sex now!

  3. It's no fun until somebody gets Grey Goosed. ;)