Wednesday, August 1, 2012

50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up: Chapter 3

Even Linda got bored with this book!
Chapter 3, holy shit this book is freaking slow...still...no...sex!  If I wasn't committed to this project, I would be pissed that I spent money on this book.  By this chapter I would have thought that the author would have given me something to put in the spank bank.  I mean, I know it was written by a woman for women, but I have read some of the Trophy's Fabio books and those can turn me on.  Any guy who buys this book for his wife/girlfriend/mistress/significant other better hop on the interweb and put some deposits into your spank bank, it's going to be a while before her panties get damp.

Anyway, as promised, here is the general gist of chapter 3....

So Steeley finally calls Double K to let her know that the Grey Man has accepted the invitation for the photo shoot and of course Double K wants to know what hes doing in town, what he's doing in the hardware store and why he's wearing the FUCKING STUPID sweater and walking boots (well not really, but I want to know why he is wearing stupid things like that).

The author throws another lame name out, Levi...like the jeans...but he never plays a roll in this chapter, they decide on Jose for their photographer, who is reluctant to do it because he sucks he only shoots places.  In the meantime the store owner's relative, Paul, asks Steeley on a date and she says no.  I bet Paul is a really nice guy and Steeley is saying no because she is all hot and bothered over the Grey Man, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  The author once again leaves the details to Hermione Steeley but gets more into the detail of Double KK.  It still seems to me that the author is hiding a tidbit of info here and Steeley and Double K are in fact trial lesbians, but that's just me.

The author makes reference to Steeley's cell phone and how Double K "snaps my cell phone off."....really?  Who has a flip phone anymore?  You would think that with the unreality of driving a Mercedes, going to a major college in the Northwest Steeley would at least have a BlackBerry.  Anyway, in this chapter the author gets into a lot more detail about the Grey Man, mentioning his voice several times and it starts to become clear that Steeley wants the Grey Man....bad.

Steeley has another dream, more vivid than the last one.  This time it is about smokey gray eyes, coveralls, long legs, long fingers and "dark, dark unexplored places."  She awakens and the group containing Steeley, Double K, Jose and Travis (really??) travel to a posh hotel like the gang from Scooby Doo driving in the Mystery Machine...like zoinks Scoob!  Oh, Travis is Jose's "gopher".  So Double K makes arrangements to use a suite for the photo shoot and enters Grey Man.

Steeley creams herself at the sight of him...well not really but she is taken aback by his "white shirt, open at the collar, and gray flannel pants that hang from his hips."  She also notices his "unruly hair is still damp from a shower." and her "mouth goes dry looking at him...he's so freaking hot."  Oh, she also refers to Double K as Mistress...another nail in the lesbian coffin if you ask me.  So everyone exchanges pleasantries and the photo shoot happens without a hitch (in case anyone was curious).

After the photo shoot, the Grey Man asks Steeley for a coffee and (blah, blah, blah, fast forward through the friend's warnings) she accepts.  Now I've been in really nice hotels and some not so nice motels, every place had coffee in the lobby or at the restaurant...I guess not this one though, he decides to go down a few blocks to what I can only assume is a place like Starbucks.  This is the Northwest after all, didn't coffee become famous here or something like that, kind of like Kurt Cobain minus the shot to the head...too soon?

Walking to the coffee shop he holds her hand....wait, what?  I've been on a few first dates and I never thought about touching...well acted upon my thoughts of touching the girl, let alone holding hands, my hands would be sweaty from being nervous.  So they get to the coffee shop and she orders an (wait for it) English Breakfast tea....with the bag out.  No way!  An English author is making the lead character drink tea?  Well one think we know is that Steeley likes to be tea bagged.  While in line she admires the Grey Man and the author (again) gives detailed description of him and his hair.  Of course he orders some sort of foofy coffee where the barista makes a design in the foam...go figure.

To wrap up the chapter, they walk back to Double K's Mercedes where Steeley gets all flustered and almost gets herself run over by a cyclist.  Well Jesus Steeley, you should have been paying more attention to your surrounding than to the Grey Man, didn't you learn anything from Batman Begins?  Well the Grey Man swoops in a saves her life and the embrace and she thinks to herself that she wants to be kissed....uh oh, looks like something's brewing here and it's not the coffee at the coffee shop.

Imagination Factor








I gave one cuff for imagination...again.  It's really not an imaginative story at all.

Wishful Thinking Factor






My first cuff rating over three....this chapter is pretty much wishful thinking, 9 times out of 10 you are not going to go to a fancy hotel, you are not going to be asked out on a coffee date by a multimillionaire, it's just not going to happen.  Maybe if it was 1 AM at a local bar, you could be asked to go to a Dunkin' Donuts by a mutilhundredaire (new word for Webster).

Visualization Factor






I gave five cuffs for the visualization factor.  The author is getting more descriptive with everything...except Steeley.  Dammit, I still need to picture her as first year Hermione...maybe I can bump it up to Deathly Hallows Hermione, quick someone send me a picture of Emma Watson in a bikini or something.

Pornographic Factor









One cuff, unless you count the photo shoot where you could almost visualize a director setting up a porn move, nothing...if anything it is more of a romance story than a literotica novel.

High Expectation Factor





The high expectation that the author is putting on men is in fact pretty high.  The first date scenario is blown out of the water in this chapter, unless, again, you are a multimillionaire, playboy, adventurist.  Now women will expect to be swept off their feet at a posh hotel and to be saved like a damsel in distress.

Not yet...

13 comments:

  1. I must correct you, Kev. If Steely had ordered her Tea with the tea bag "in," then I would assume she wanted to be teabagged. Since she asked for it out, she's obviously disgusted by the thought (her loss, I guess)! Just sayin'! Love hearing your perspective!

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  2. Hilarious. Plus you have a photo of Wonder Woman.

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    1. Thanks and I do have a photo of Wonder Woman!

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  3. Dude. Seriously? You are a better man than I. I would not have made it to chapter three because I would have offed myself by now.

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    1. It's pretty bad....I'm fading quick but it's a project I said I would do for my readers.....I will not be reading the other two books....

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  4. OMG, more tea bagging. So much tea bagging for one week. Um...I mean...uh...you know, because my kid was talking about that video game and uh...never mind. Levi? Gimme a break. Is he wearing a sweater and walking boots too? You are a patient man, Kev. Maybe it picks up in chapter four. Your take on it is a lot more entertaining. You should go on kickstarter and start raising funds to buy the movie rights. ;)

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    1. Oh...PS...stop by and pick up your Rockin' Blogger Award!

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    2. You can't escape tea bagging....the clothes this guy wears would depict that he is the one who likes to be tea bagged....

      I got an award? Yaaaaaaayyyyyy! Thanks!

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  5. More descriptions about the Grey Man's poot sense of style. A white shirt and grey slacks? Hello middle aged office lackey!

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    1. Supposedly he's only in his late 20's early 30's too...

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  6. Replies
    1. Thank you! I am plugging away at Chapter 4

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