Saturday, June 1, 2013

The Swass Meter...Revisited

I have taken a month off from blogging to collect my thoughts but I'm back bitches!  It has been redonkulously hot here in New England, which is funny because it was 30 degrees last week...but anyway, I thought my first post back should be an old crowd favorite, The Swass Meter...Revisited.  The original post was done last sue me.
The Swass Meter measures the gallons of sweat that runs down your crack.
I'm not sure about the rest of the country, mainly because I don't live anywhere else, I am usually concerned with the immediate New England area and no, Eastern New York doesn't count as New England.  The only time I concern myself with other parts of the country is when I am traveling there, otherwise it doesn't affect me.  Here in New England we are having some serious hot days this summer, it's almost been a heat wave ALL summer long!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know summer just started Wednesday.

As a *ahem* fluffy guy, who wears a black uniform and works 90% outside it's slightly less than pleasurable.  The Swass Meter has been at an all time high the past couple of days, which means a couple changes of clothes throughout the day, plenty of H2O and loving the AC in my truck.  I'm sure you have heard of swass or swack as some people prefer to call it.

Swass is shortened for sweaty ass and swack is shortened for sweaty crack.  Here in my neck of the woods my friends and I have been referring to swass as swamp ass since 1994 so for this post swass will be known as swamp ass and swack will not be used.

 The definition of swass (swamp ass) is:  The nasty feeling when your butt crack is sweaty, causing your underwear and pants to stick, or an occasional itching feeling. Ussually caused by elevated tempatures or humidity while working or excessive walking.  Some people will also refer to their grundel area and scrotum as having swass, this is incorrect by definition and we will get into that in a moment.

Nut Stuff!

I am sure everyone has had a case of it, very uncomfortable and hard to remedy.  I have found the best remedy, although not perfect, is good old fashioned Gold Bond Medicated Powder.  DO NOT skimp on the Gold Bond, don't go and get the Equate, Up & Up, or CVS brand, you need the original, yellow bottled, red capped Gold Bond.  I carry that shit around with me in the summer and I am working on making a belt holster for it so I can whip it out like RoboCop.  If you want the extra special tingly feeling, you can get the extra strength Gold Bond.

Now as I was saying, some people claim they have swass in their grundel/scrotum area which in fact they should be referring to it as swalls, swamp balls or sweaty balls.  Gold Bond is the champion of defeating swalls as well.  Fair warning though, if you have swalls and put the Gold Bond on, be prepared for two things.

1.  The instant cooling, tingling and relief that comes with spraying Gold Bond on your feels absolutely wonderful.

2.  The mess that happens when you apply Gold Bond.  There isn't a non-messy way of applying the wonder cure.  Try to avoid dark carpets, black pants and areas where it will be seen.

The Original Swalls Killer.
Another great remedy we have found years back is the automobile air vent, this only works in a car, typically SUVs and trucks have dashboards that are too tall.  What you need to do is freeball in a pair of shorts, sit in the front seat, aim the vent towards your crotchal region and crank up the AC. THE best car I have ever found was a 1989 Mazda MX6, it had a vent that was located right below the steering column...pure genius!

All this talk about swass and swalls...and yes even swack (last time I will use it) got me thinking about different acronyms for similar problems....

Obviously feet sweat, a lot, could we call it sweet?  "Man, I have some serious sweet today, maybe I shouldn't have worn my leather flip flops."  I suppose it's better than plain old sweaty feet...

What about people who don't wear deodorant?  Besides being dirty, smelly, granola farting hippies, they could refer to their sweaty armpits as swits.  "Dude, you have swits so bad it's leaking into my iced Starbucks mocha, focha, fuckalatte."

Do women have a similar problem?  Do they suffer from swussy or if you are a more vulgar person swunt?  Can you put Gold Bond up there?  I would imagine you couldn't for fear of a yeast infection or something.  So how would a woman cure her case of swussy?  I know I have a lot of female readers, inquiring minds want to know...

Do you get swussy and how do you cure it?

1 comment:

  1. This is the first of your stories I ever read... and I'm still here, so... yeah.

    Glad to have you back around pal.