Monday, April 30, 2012

Ze End

Of course you would have to read the title of this post in a funny French accent, you silly k-nig-its.

I fart in your general direction.
The final day of the sill A to Z Challenge.  As my brain is ultimately turn to mush by the inundating tasks of prepping and finalizing the passing of my father, I really haven't given much thought to the letter Z, so I am taking the cheesy way out and being "cute".  Welcome to Ze End.

I am both relieved and sad (among many other emotions) to see the end of this quest come to an end.  I feel I have prevailed and conquered this beast, but I know just a mere 12 months from now it's offspring will pop up and I will in fact be ready for battle.  But this post is more than ze end of the A to Z Challenge, it is the day after ze end of a chapter in my life.

As you saw from my post yesterday, my Dad passed away, he was 85 so he had lived a long and fairly good life.  I was what you would call an oops kid.  He had three kids from a previous marriage and I really wasn't planned or expected, but here I am.  My Mom and Dad had the strangest marriage, although I know they loved each other in their own special way, it was hard to see it, especially at home.  They had separate beds since I was 6 or 7 and then separate bed rooms when I was in my teens (although that was nice because I had the whole upstairs to myself, almost like and apartment).  But some how, I know that they loved each someway.

My Dad was a pretty remarkable man.  He was a police chief, highway superintendent and a bus driver for the time I was his son until he retired completely in the early mid 90s.  He was very active in the town I grew up in and everyone knew who he was, in fact I got out of a lot of trouble because of my last name.  Dad, like Mom always had time for me whether it was baseball or Scouts.    Some of my fondest memories were helping him plowing the roads, sugaring or volunteering at different town events.

I have no regrets on how my life was with either my Dad or my Mom.  This is something other people I know cannot say about my Dad.  Here's a little tidbit of background info on me, as you know for all intensive purposes I am an only child.  I say all intensive purposes because my Dad has three children from his first marriage, so in essence, I have two half sisters and a half "brother".  One of the half sisters I have I do consider my actual sister, she was there all my life and I grew up with her, although she never lived with us.  The other half sister I have met a handful of times and is handicapped, so I don't think she knows who I am.  Then there's the half "brother".

I use the word brother very, VERY loosely.  I haven't seen him for thirty plus years.  I have no clue what he looks like, what he sounds like or even where he he lives...that was until Saturday evening in the hospital.  My wife and I were keep vigil with my Dad waiting for my sister and her kids to arrive and in walks this guy, a guy my age and a girl also my age.  I thought to myself, "Hey, got the wrong room."  Then he looked at the hospital bed and came over and introduced himself and his children.  My mind stopped for a split second, then I thought, really?!?  You haven't seen your father in 30 plus years and now because you know he is dying you show up?  Wait, how the fuck did you know he was in the hospital?  I'm going to kill my sister!

But it wasn't my sister, it was her mom who called.  The whole time he was there I stared at him in amazement, he had the same posture as my Dad, the same nose and ears, event he eyes.  Before he left he asked for five minutes alone with my Dad, which of course we let happen, I figured it's been thirty years what's another five minutes.  What was said in those five minutes I will never know, no one will except for him and my Dad.

It must be hard to live with that kind of regret now that the last time you saw your dad, he was dying.  I cannot empathize with this man, nor can I understand what he is feeling.  All I know is, it was very awkward that evening for a couple of hours.  I am sure it is going to be very awkward this weekend when we have the memorial and burial.  A lot of emotions are running through me right now.  If I do not see this man again I will be OK with that, if I do see him again I cannot promise that I will be able to control my anger and what comes out of my mouth.

He was not there when my parents needed help in their house, he was not there when they needed a place to live, he was not there each and every time my Dad went into the hospital...he WAS NOT THERE.  I hope you are feeling terrible right now and I hope you know that you waited too long to make amends.

For me however, I have no regrets, nor should my sister.

Me and my Dad, this is my favorite picture of us.


  1. Kevin,
    Your dad was a great guy, He will be missed. I will always Remember coming out of the woods from shooting and seeing him holding your neighbors Llama hostage. Or random trips into the woods or shed for tidbits. Having him ask Where are you going and why do you have a chainsaw and come along, And about a million other good times. If you need anything or just need to vent, I will always be here for you Brother.

  2. A fitting tribute for your last post.

  3. Just remember to honor your father the way you want to honor him. Don't worry about anyone else and certainly don't let them take that from you. My thoughts are with you.