Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Java and Joe

Is this thing over yet?  A to Z Challenge you are killing me.  I had no problem doing C-I but (A and B if you recall were a pile of poop I shit out for the challenge) but J....J you little bastard, you are screwing with me.

Who doesn't? 
It took me all day thinking of something J, I asked my co-workers and one actually suggested jerking off...well, sure I guess I could be considered an expert in that field, I've been doing it long enough, but I didn't think it would be the best topic of blogging.  Then it hit me, like a caffeine shock.  Coffee...or for this blog called either Java and Joe.  I'm not a java addict, I don't NEED my cup of Joe in the morning to deal with the day, as a matter of fact I despise those people who tell you "...don't talk to me, I haven't had my coffee yet."  Shut up, you're a human you can function without a stimulate.

Less than 1,000 people here.
Living in Massachusetts all my life, growing up in a little town in Western Mass (where we pronounce our R's, hell we even add them to words to make up for the Boston people leaving them out) there wasn't much for coffee places, you had the Goshen General Store and Cumby's.  Then Dunkin' Donuts moved in, but that was it, nothing more until you get to Northampton or Hamp as the locals call it.  There you have your little coffee shops like the Haymarket and hipster hole in the wall joints. 

When I moved out to the Boston area, Metrowest to be exact, I was overwhelmed with the amount of Dunkin' Donuts there were.  In the city I lived in there were at least 8.  When I got promoted to a regional manager I was blown away....they had Dunkin' Donuts across the fucking street from each another Dunkin' Donuts!  I pondered why, then I realized that the people out that way couldn't be inconvenienced enough to turn around and go to the Dunks on the other side of the street...really??  I couldn't grasp that concept coming from Goshen, we HAD to drive a minimum of a 1/2 hour to get to a grocery store and then another 20 minutes to get to the closest shopping mall.  We considered that normal.  Well I have lived out this way since 2003, granted I have moved to North Central Mass now, but I still work in the Metrowest area so I understand where this breed of people are coming from now.

 But today I noticed a disturbing trend, Massachusetts has turned into Seattle East.  Do you know how many coffee shops there are under the guise of a donut place?  Well you are about to be enlightened.  In my area (a 20 mile radius) alone, not counting McDonald's and Burger King, who now "pride" themselves on serving the "best" coffee, there are 6 chain shops that I know of:

Holy shit!  They're hitting kids!
1.  Dunkin' Donuts - Duh, the obvious.  I was told a few years ago that Dunk's plan was to have a store within 5 miles of every residence in Massachusetts.  Wasn't that similar to the plan of some dictator from Germany?  Not only do you get your coffee there but they obviously serve donuts, bagels and now lunch sandwiches.  Who said you could serve lunch Dunkin' huh?  You monopolized the breakfast scene now you need to take lunch too?  What's next Dunkin'?  Are you going to take over the world by putting mind control juice in your ice coffees?

If they changed to this...I might go in.
2.  Starbucks - I refuse to drink Starfucks, buy Starfucks or even shit in a Starfucks.  A few years ago there was a story about how some soldiers overseas had written a letter AND sent money for a few cases of Starfucks coffee and Starfucks returned the money with a note saying they would not ship the coffee over because they do not support the war.  WHAT THE HELL?  Lots of people didn't support the war, but for shit's sake Starfucks, you should support the troops who are protecting you and letting you be free to sell your double-mocha-chai-latte-piss-grande-verde-poopy coffee to the college kids who can't afford rent but they manage to scrap up the dough for a $5.00 coffee...oops sorry, latte.  Now maybe Starfucks changed their views but it was a shitty thing to do and I still refuse to go there.

3.  Gourmet Donuts - I cannot say anything bad about this place, Gourmet is my coffee choice. They have a bazillion flavors of coffee, the counter help are wicked nice and they support my Cub Scout Pack.  Moe (the owner) I tip my hat to you and your crews.  Thank you Gourmet!
THE best place for coffee...period!

See?  Same font and colors...almost.
4.  Boston Donuts - Ironically enough they are not anywhere near Boston and they use the same font and similar color scheme as Dunkin' Donuts.  I guess their philosophy is that people are so tired and blurry eyed in the morning all they do is see a sign that looks like Dunkin' and they pull in.  Well I guess it's working, they are starting to pop up all over around here.  I have never been in one, but I would imagine it is the same layout and product as Dunks, maybe they take the leftover donuts from the million Dunkin' Donuts and serve them the next day...hmmmm, this place might be to Dunkin' as Eva Braun was to the guy with the funny mustache.

5.  Dippin' Donuts - OK, now there HAS to be a copyright infringement here somewhere.  Again same font, same colors and same crappy food and coffee as DD.  I mean they didn't even try being different, they dip instead of dunk, they even left the "g" off the end of the word.  So if Boston Donuts is Eva Braun, then Dippin' must be Joseph Goebbels.  It's turning into a conspiracy theory.

6.  Cumberland Farms - Or Cumby's for short.  Now this isn't your traditional coffee place, but just recently Cumby's started promoting their swill.  They have tried the whole flavor thing, different creamers, iced coffee but they just can't compete.  They only thing they have going for them is the fact that any size coffee, iced or hot, is only 99 cents.  That's smart right there, the problem is Dunkin' put their mind control juice in their coffee so you are brainwashed to go there.

That's not counting the "coffee shops" that specialize in coffee, muzak and WI-FI, I saw just the other day that there is a new coffee house opening across the street from another coffee house in the town next to where I live.  I wonder if they drank the Kool-Aid that Dunk's was offering.  Maybe they are like Blondi, that German guy's pet dog.  And before anyone asks no there aren't any Tim Horton's or Krispy Kremes around, we don't allow their type in Mass.


  1. The first line of this post alone made me laugh. I sympathize with you greatly, this shit is getting hard!

    And I am one of those people who can't function without my coffee in the morning. If you talk to me before that, you WILL get punched!

  2. Ok, first of all, being from Stoughton, MA, over on the Eastern side of the state, I do not have an accent. We speak the way we are supposed to, there should be no R's on the end of words, there is just something wrong about it. I used to work in Holyoke and all the rednecks out there used to make fun off the way I talk. Trust me they had a lot more to make fun of than their accents.

    Secondly, at last count there were 2,345,608 Dunkin Donuts in my town. They may have added more since. I don't drink coffee but I love donuts. There donuts suck. I get my donuts are Market Basket, they are pure heaven. My husband (he does have an accent by the way, but that is because he is from Ireland) is a fan of Honey Dew coffee. But I guess that wasn't good enough for your list, it must be because the founder is from my part of the state, actually my town to be exact, lol.

    At any rate. Love you as always my fellow Masshole.

  3. Lily - it is killing me now as we get deeper into the alphabet. I have to admire your commitment to this challenge. I do drink a cup of coffee a day, usually in the morning, but I brew my own at home with my Keurig....ohhhhhh shit, I just found my K post for today!!!!

    Heather - I didn't forget Honey Dew, they just aren't in my radius. Juuusssttt outside the area, Holden, Hudson and Worcester I think are the closest ones. I do like Honey Dew though, nothing against them.

    When I first moved out here I stopped at a gas station in Natick to get a drink and the cashier said I had a funny accent...I looked at her and thought about it, I guess I had no IDEAR that we are the ones with the accents.