Tuesday, May 8, 2012

A Series Of Events

It feels like forever since I sat down to do a blog when in fact it's only been a few days.  Well, here I am once again, at least the A to Z Challenge is behind me...you know what they say?  Put your behind in the past.  I am not going to post a survivor badge on my blog for a couple of reasons.  1.  I didn't officially start the challenge 2.  I don't want to be reminded of it until next April.

So the past week has not lacked interest to say the least, honestly it's kind of a blur, but there are somethings that, how should I put it, jumped out at me.  After my Dad passed, it was my duty to take care of the arrangements, I'm sure you read about Putting the FU in Funeral.  Well I am happy to say that got worked out and I was able to continue my Death Adventure.  Oh? You thought that was my only hiccup?  You silly little minions, that's why I adore you.  I swear if it wasn't my own life, this would be the makings of a great sitcom.

On Wednesday I ran around like a madman closing out my Dad's account (so the bank couldn't fuck it up again), driving to New Hampshire to drop the check off and then back home.  Nothing major.  We got home and ordered the plaque for the headstone at the cemetery, oh by the way the burial for both Mom and Dad was Saturday and the memorial for Dad was Sunday.  I have had Mom living on a shelf in my garage since January, waiting for the ground to thaw and to hear from some of her family.  Relax, I made a spot of honor for her and if you've seen my garage you know it's not the normal garage.

Where was I?  Oh yeah the plaque, my wife ordered it and it looked great.  The company called to confirm a few things, they wanted to know when Mom was born, I told them December 22, 1937...there was a pause..."Well that makes sense, we had her date of birth as January 17, 0010."  Blink, blink, blink...did you really think my mom was born ten years after Christ was?  Thankfully they called to confirm that, that would have been awkward.  So the plaque was all set and being delivered on Friday.  Good.

Thursday rolls around, now it's time to do more things.  In the midst of getting things organized I receive a letter from the retirement system.  It seems because I am now the beneficiary for Dad, I owe them $50.71.  Makes perfect freaking sense to me...why the hell not?  Come to find out because I closed the account before reporting it to them, I was entitled to less than what I took out so I now owe them money.  What the fuck?  Whatever, I put a check in the mail for $50.71 and we're done.  Yup...nope.

What are we going to do at the cemetery?  Hmmmm, good question.  Seeing we didn't go through a funeral home everything was up to us.  Technically they were Catholic, they had their wedding bands blessed in the church.  Wait, what?  They had their rings blessed?????  Shit!  We have Dad's but not Mom's.  Long story short, I may have thrown Mom's wedding band in the trash or the hospital misplaced it....I'm going with the hospital story, it looks better on me.  Instant guilt comes over me and off to the jewelery store to replace we go.  Of course there is no replacing the ring, but I wanted to make it right.  Anyway, the cemetery....we decided to have a priest there because, again, they were Catholic.  We had a priest, then we didn't, then we did and then we didn't and on the day of the burial we still weren't 100% positive if he was going to show up.

Oh, it gets better.  I contacted the life insurance that Dad had and they sent out a claim form for me to fill out with several things to prove he is gone and I received it in the mail yesterday.  Now, I am not from a Spanish speaking country, the last name Fuller doesn't even sound Spanish, Kevin is a good old fashioned Irish name and the only Spanish I know is how to say, "Hi I would like X number of beers."  But these wombats thought I needed the form completely in Spanish, letter included.  A couple of things came to mind when I got this in the mail....1.  Has it finally come down to everything is in Spanish now and English is the minority and 2.  What did I do in a former life to have to deal with this crap?

Well number one was confirmed today when I call the insurance company and had to press 2 for English.  I was transferred three times in order for someone to fax me the form in English.  Here is how the conversation went....

"Hello, Asshat Life Insurance of Dumbassville how can we help you?"

"Yes, I have a problem, I requested a claim form and when I got it in the mail yesterday it was in Spanish, I don't speak or read Spanish."

"I'm sorry for that, what policy are you calling about?"

"Uh, 123456..."

"OK, can you please hold while I transfer you to our claims department?"

"Sure, why the hell not?"  (Actually I just said sure...)


"Hello, this is Shithead, how can I assist you?"


"What is the policy number?"

"Really?  You need it again?" (Actually I just repeated it...)

"OK, please hold while I transfer you to the non Spanish speaking department."  (Actually, please hold was said)


"Hola, how can I help you?"  (Actually he said hello)

"You are really not going to ask me....shit you are aren't you?"

"What is the policy number?"

"Really fuck face?  You really need me to repeat it AGAIN?" (Again, not really)

"I see, you received the claim form in Spanish, you don't speak Spanish?"

"No I don't fucking speak Spanish you lump of shit!"  (Actually it was no, but very sarcastically)

"Oh, these forms only come in Spanish, but I can get you a different form in English."

"Yes, that would be helpful....can you fax it to me?"


"Fax, you know, send it over the telephone."  (Not really what I said, I just waited for his dumbass response.

"....um, I guess I could, that would be a little easier wouldn't it?"

"Yes, yes it would....you are the smartest dumbass I've talked to in the hour I have been on the phone."

So yeah, moral of the story is don't let your parents die without having all their shit together...and for God sakes, get your own shit together for the sake of your kids...if you have kids....


  1. Wh...? why...? What...? Again, speechless. Though I'm sorry, I did laugh that they thought your mum was born ten years after Jesus.

    My heart goes out to you with all the crud that you're going through. But you've just made me realise the importance of getting stuff sorted for such an event. Thanks.

    1. I was told many times last weekend that it is amazing I have kept my humor....my response was, we should get together under different circumstances, but it is on you, I'm all out of parents.

  2. While I'm sorry you are having to go through this, I found myself laughing and feeling awesome that I'm not the only one who has a life laden with asshats!

    Having had to deal with arrangments myself, I know what a frustrating pain in the ass it is. Keep your head up.

  3. Well you at least made it SOUND funny. I know from experience, it just IS NOT!!!!