Theme Thursday: O.P.K.

Welcome to my Theme Thursday post, at first I was excited because I thought it said C.P.K. and I could go off on Cabbage Patch Kids but then I read it again and it was different.

The other night The Trophy and I went on a date for her birthday, alone, with no Minions.  We enjoyed a couple of adult beverages without fear of judgement from other patrons, we ordered food that we wanted to eat and the best part was...we ordered dessert.  While we were at the restaurant we were attune to other people's kids or like the title says O.P.K.

Joking around at first, whenever a kid cried or got loud, we said to ourselves, hey someone shut that kid up but then we started realizing that kids are fucking obnoxious when you are trying to enjoy a night out together.  They scream when they don't get the ranch dip with their chicken tenders, they whine because they have to sit for an extended period of time and they don't fucking care about the other people around them.  Kids are little assholes when out in public.

We did something we never get a chance to do without the minions, we went shopping.  We were able to go to Target and look at the things we wanted to look at, we went to Dick's Sporting Goods and were able to try on jackets and other things without the "This is boring" sighs and looks.  While in these places we noticed O.P.K.s as well and they were over the top annoying.  

Then we had the lingering question...are our kids seen like that when we go out?  The answer is yes, yes they are.  Despite the amount of "shushes" and "turn arounds" our kids are probably looked at like miniature ass nuggets and there is nothing you can do about it aside from the leave the Target cart filled with stuff in the aisle and leave the store...yes we have done that.

What is comes down to is your kids and O.P.K.s are going to be ass nuggets, it doesn't matter, don't be ashamed or embarrassed, go on with your meal or shopping.  It's the people without kids that are making the scene but they need to remember one thing, they were once little ass nuggets too. 

This is pretty ingenious actually, more places should do it.

Theme Thursday: Mmmm Boobies

OK, first before you get all up in my jammy (whatever a jammy is) about this Theme Thursday post being done on Friday...chill the fuck out.



So the theme for this Theme Thursday is breast feeding.  Yup, that's right, breast feeding and right now you are probably thinking "What the hell does a Dad know about breast feeding?"  A lot actually.

No, no, fucking no.

The Trophy breast fed all three of the Minions so I have experienced the trials and tribulations of breast feeding.  I know how sometimes it takes a while to latch on, I've bought those pads for her and yes I know they get sore.  I have empathy for the Moms out there who breast feed, I feel bad that you leak and you can ruin a shirt.  I know that once a baby detaches there is an odd spray of milk and I'm right there with you on the whole breast feeding in public debate.

Yes, I support your right to breast feed in public, do it for shit's sake, it's natural, but there are a few things that should be done while doing it.  ***Disclaimer*** These are things The Trophy did  ***End Disclaimer***

Gasp!  You support the cause to feed me?

First, guys look.  Even gay guys look, it's a normal reaction when you see a boob, I'm sorry we can't help it.  If you get all pissy with us for looking, cover up.  Put a blanket in the diaper bag and cover up before you whip it out.  Plus it is common courtesy and for the human race's sake don't use this...

Seriously?  You want your kid to have a tit head?

Second, don't get all mad if there isn't a designated area for breast feeding.  I hate to break it to you but not every restaurant, department store or other retailer is going to drop thousands of dollars to build a third bathroom.  That's why I fight for your right to booby!  Just find a nice chair, cover up and feed the kid.

Third, pump before leaving home.  When I took the young Minions out I obviously didn't have the facilities to lactate, not that I would want to have milk leaking from my moobs so the Trophy would pump and off we went.  No, I didn't feed the Minion cold breast milk, if you go to ANY restaurant in the food court and ask for a cup of hot water for warming a bottle, they will give it to you.

Speaking of pumping, can they make those devices look more futuristic and torturous?  Next time you are in Target, look at the milking devices on the market.  Jesus milked up Christ, it's like you were abducted by an alien and that is the device the used to remove Earth's secrets from you.  Do you really need a double barrel pump?  It's weird enough to see one nipple getting squashed and sucked into the cone shaped device but why make a mirror image of it?

Look Ma!  No hands!  What the hell is this?

Also, don't expect your boobs to get much attention during the breast feeding season.  I'm sorry ladies, maybe I'm just speaking for myself and I love playing with boobs but when they squirt me, I'm all set.  I'm not into the whole breast milk fetish thing...sorry.  I've watched had friends who have watched it in a video before and yeah, not digging that.

Dude, that's for me, why are you wasting it?

So there you go, Who Woulda Thought?'s tips for breast feeding.

Theme Thursday: A Day Late And A Mouthful Later

Yeah, I missed the day of Thursday for Theme Thursday but before you get all up in my shiznit, I have been trying to prepare a Pack Meeting for my Cub Scout Pack...whaaaat?  Who Woulda Thought? is a Cubmaster?  Damn skippy, hippie!  So I am a day late, sue me.  Plus it also gave me a little extra time to read what the Mommies wrote.  Did I mention I'm like the only Dad floating in a sea of Mommies over HERE at Theme Thursday?  If you're a Dad or even just a Dude...help me get some testosterone into the sea of estrogen.

So after reading some (not all) of the Theme Thursday posts, what I can see is they all followed the same theme (duh) which was Things That I Have Put In My Mouth Since Becoming A Parent and they also had the same type of answers...

1.  Breast Milk - Seriously?  That's just gross, I don't care what you earthy, crunchy, granola farting people say, breast milk is fine for the baby but why, WHY would you even think about trying it?  I stayed away from the Trophy's boobs like the plague when she was nursing.



2.  Pee and Poop - Child's play.  I have three Minions of the male gender and that happens to this day.  They get their pee everywhere in the bathroom as they haven't figured out how to aim yet.

3.  Binkies - Seriously?  What parent hasn't done that? I quick stick in the mouth to change the diaper and you're good to go.

4.  Nipples - Now we're talking!  Oh, wait, bottle nipples?  Yup been there done that.  When you're thirsty you just take a swig of the Minion's juice.

5.  Fingernails and Toenails - Grow a set and cut the kid's nails.  They make nail clippers with magnifying glasses built in.  It's just weird to see someone eating a baby's finger or toe, you look like a zombie or something.

And I'm not even going to mention spit-up, that just goes without saying.  As a Dad, I have put something some Mom's have never put in their mouths.  Leftovers.  Since becoming a Dad nine years ago, I have turned into a scavenger.  Without fail the Minions always have food left on their plates, with the exception of #1, he has been eating us out of food.

When we go out to dinner, I don't have to order a huge meal, I can do an appetizer because I will be able to finish of 1/2 a cheeseburger, a bunch of french fries and whatever else that comes with their meals.  Why not take it home with you?, you might be asking.  Simple, I despise taking food home because it sits in our fridge until we throw it out, which defeats the purpose of leftovers.

With meals at home, the same thing occurs, I can take my helping and cut it in half because I will the one standing over the sink eating the mash up of meat, veggies and rice off of a Veggie Tales plate and with a Cars baby fork.  It's gonna get tossed so why not eat it, after all there are starving people in Minnesota or something like that.

This may not be too odd, but it's something us Dads have been trained to do from the beginning of time, we are the vultures of the parenting world.

Theme Thursday: Taking A Vacation Could Be Hazardous To Your Health

Thursday again??  Well that means it's Theme Thursday and if you want to link up and join the fun head on over HERE and put your post where your mouth is...wow that sounded gay.  For the record I think I am still the only Dad blog amongst a sea of estrogen riddled Mommy blogs...please help?

This week's topic is My Biggest Vacation Disaster.  Well this is going to be sort post, I've never really had any vacation disasters, at least none to ruin a vacation.  As far as I'm concerned if I'm on vacation and not at work, things are pretty damn good.  I could say that nine months after our trip to Cancun, Minion #1 was born, that could be a disaster, depending on the day.  I guess I will give you a few different instances that have happened on past vacations instead.

This isn't the beach you are looking for.

One of the first vacations The Trophy and I ever took (alone) we went to Cape Cod and she got some sort of virus where she couldn't breath well or swallow.  Using my better judgement I convinced her to go to the hospital and there we sat in the E.R. waiting room.  And we sat, and sat, and sat.  Come to find out that even though my wife couldn't breath she was getting skipped over because of this funny little ting called triage.  I used to be an EMT and a volunteer firefighter so I under stood triage.  For those of you who do not know what triage is, it's basically where a person in the medical field decides what order people get treated based on the severity of the case....you're playing God.

So because we are people who don't suck off the system, we got screwed.  We drove to the E.R. whereas all of the drunk ass, blacked out, beach dwellers were brought in by ambulance, so they got priority.  Nice...some eighteen year old dumbass gets cocked on Seagull beach and passes out, his friends call the ambulance because they are just as dumb if not dumber than his drunk ass and he has a place to sleep it off, while there are other people worse off than he is.  Long story short, the Trophy was put on some antibiotics and we continued our vacation with only a span of eight hours that were wasted in the E.R.

Then there was that time we went to Colorado.  We had this trip planned for months, Minion #1 was only eight months old and we were all excited to be going on vacation as a family.  When we arrived at the airport, we were boarded easily and then we sat on the runway...for 90 minutes because our pilot was scared to fly in the rain.  Have you ever been trapped in a long metal tube with an eight month old?  Fan-fucking-tastic.  Back then there wasn't portable DVD players and we weren't fortunate to have smart phones.  There's only so many Veggie Tales books you can read before and eight month old gets bored.

Sad but true, we watched a snow storm come in and then go to 60 degrees

The pilot finally grows a set of balls big enough to take of in the drizzle and we arrive in Pittsburgh, which is about a 90 minute flight, ironically enough.  We arrive just in time to see our connecting flight take off for Denver and were informed that there are no other flights heading out that night.  I guess Pittsburgh pilots are afraid to fly in the dark.  The airline was "kind" enough to give us $25 off vouchers to the Days Inn so that was could stay the night.  We didn't want to stay the night in Pittsburgh, we didn't even want to be in Pittsburgh but there we were, stuck in Pittsburgh with a cranky eight month old Minion and eating dinner at Denny's at 11 PM.  We did make it to Colorado the next day and it was monsoon season out there.  Do you know what happens to Denver, Colorado when it downpours?  It shuts down.  They don't have drainage or something so when it rains, it pours...literally and figuratively.

The last one I will tell you about (I have plenty by the way) is our trip to Cape Cod a few years ago.  It was during hurricane Danielle (I think), it was definitely a hurricane headed towards the Cape and I know this because the traffic was awesome heading down!  Heading off the Cape was a different story.  Anyway, we got down there and everyone was hunkering down, not us though we wanted to go see the waves...we're simple dry land people so things like that amuse us.  We went to the beach where we couldn't see the waves because of the crazy thing that happens at night called darkness.  The wind was blowing (duh) and we left and went to the house to sleep.  I wanted to wake up nice and early to go scope out the destruction and see what happened, again simple people we are.

I woke up at 6:00 AM to the sun shining in through the windows, jumped into the car and drove to the Chatham lighthouse beach where I was greeted with a dozen news station trucks and a few people scratching their heads.  You see, the hurricane never reached the Cape.  It died out during the night and not a damn thing happened.  I talked to some of the news people and they were all pissed, they had spent the night down there in the vans and trucks hoping for the big story and instead all they got was my fat head on camera.

So there you go, a few anecdotes about some of my vacations...hope you enjoyed! 

Theme Thursday: Lesson Learned

Well here we are, it's Thursday again and that means it's Theme Thursday.  A day where pretty cool bloggers get together the world over and link up HERE to share their thoughts on a particular theme that is given to them.  This weeks' theme is:

If you could impress one lesson, ideal or moral on your children, what would it be?

Simple.  Don't be an asshole.

I don't say it exactly like that, but I get my point across to them...well at least I think I do.  I tell them don't be someone that others don't like but make sure you are being yourself.  It's a hard balance to do that, there isn't one person in this world that EVERYONE likes.  I'm a pretty likeable guy but I know there are people out there who just plain despise me for whatever reason and that doesn't matter and it shouldn't matter to the Minions either.

Now this sounds confusing and honestly it is but when I break it down it makes sense, at least to me.

Ask yourself this, what exactly constitutes being an asshole?  Sure you can  reference the Denis Leary song...

And for the most part those things are true.  It's a great video but I don't think it is proper viewing material for the Minions.  There are three things you can do to make sure you're not being an asshole.

Don't brag.  Nobody likes someone who brags.  Sure it's fine to tell people about something great that you did or an accomplishment you achieved, but limit that to once maaaaybe twice.  Anymore than that you're bragging.

Don't one-up people.  One-uppers piss people off to no extent.  If you did something they did it bigger, better and faster.  A simple "Oh yeah, I know what you're talking about." would suffice.

Don't interrupt.  Nothing is worse than someone who constantly jumps into your sentence because they think they know what you are going to say and want to correct you.  Let people finish their sentences and then respond back to them.

Sure, these things seem very minor and you are probably thinking to yourself how do these make you an asshole.  Well each one individually doesn't but I find that if someone does one of these, the other two aren't far behind.  You put all three together and you form an asshole.

Being an asshole is different for everyone, in fact there are other things that I can think of that would make people assholes, but this is a lesson for the kids, so we will start small.

So, today's lesson for all the kids out there, don't be an asshole.  Nobody likes an asshole, even farts don't like assholes, that's why they are always trying to escape.

Theme Thursday: How Things Change

There are two types of married people out there, the ones who do not have kids and the ones who do have kids, we will call them happy and mush for brains, respectfully.  If you are reading this and you don't have kids (again singular kids don't count, that's easy handling right there) then what you are about to read is probably the second best birth control known to the modern world.

Obviously not a parent, you don't have sex.

When you get married and it's B.K. (Before Kids) there are lots of things you can do when it strikes your fancy.  You can do things like:

Call your significant other Friday at noontime and tell them to pack a suitcase when they get home because you guys are taking a spur of the moment trip out of town, just for the hell of it.

Go out to dinner where you want and not worry about ordering a beer for fear of people judging you drinking in front of your children.

Drop a stink pickle in peace.

Drive your vehicle without the smell of stale Goldfish, spilled juice and the sound of VeggieTales coming out of your speakers.

Can have coitus.

Yes, that's right, one of the biggest things, if not the biggest thing that changes when you decide to bring a human being into the world is your sex life.  It's funny how one of the best feelings in the world can produce an outcome that will render you and your spouse with the overwhelming inability to do the deed.  Once that small *ahem* bundle of joy makes the trek down the sperm slide and rears it's cone shaped head at you, your life has changed for-fucking-ever.

On a side note though, guys, if you haven't had the experience of seeing your wife in labor, my best advice to give to you is, when the doctor asks if you want to witness the birth, you say no.  Stay at the head of the bed and don't look in the mirror.  Don't believe the people who say that it is the most magical thing they have witnessed, there's nothing magical about it...it's just plain gross.  You want magic?  Go see David Copperfield.

Now, don't get me wrong, you still participate in the act of coitus with your spouse, it's the frequency, length, time of day and location that changes.

Frequency - On the scale of how often you do it, the needle points to the lower end once you have kids.  The truth hurts, I'm sorry.  Instead of doing it twice a day everyday three times a week when you get married it drops down a level each time you are blessed decided were fooled into believing you could have multiple children.  With one kid, you can still do it on a regular basis and even keep up on your three times a week schedule.  With two kids, once a week can be a stretch.  You need to plan a schedule around naps, play dates and bed times.  If you are caring brave deranged enough to have three or more kids, forget it, get used to celibacy for the next eighteen years.

Length - Now most women complain about how long a guy can last to begin with but I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news...it gets worse with kids.  You need to cram what sould take an hour into five, maybe ten minutes tops.  Foreplay is not an option soldier, you get in and get out before the enemy catches on to what is happening behind closed doors.  When you find a moment of solitude with your spouse, you better be ready to go.  Another thing that can greatly reduce the length of service is the rhythmic knock, knock, knocking on the door, nothing puts you into hurry mode quicker than the possibility of innocent eyes seeing your hairy ass.  Don't worry, I've been told that once they hit those magical teenage years, the time frame will increase, for now though, enjoy the time you do get, Flash.

Time of Day - Night time coitus becomes elusive, especially the more kids you have.  By the time you wrangle the Minions up, bathe them, brush their teeth, make them pee, get them into their jammies, have them pick out a story (each choosing a different story), read the story, tuck them in, say their prayers, let them get up to go to the bathroom again, tuck them back in, say their prayers one more time and then shut off the light....you're fucking beat.  They procrastinate and in turn, you have just exerted more energy in the hour of bedtime than you did all day long.  You will try to attempt morning sex but there is a problem, you start fooling around and then realize that this ain't the movies, you both have breath that smells like a monkey took a shit in your mouths and one of you has to take a leak or drop a deuce.  At this point you've made enough noise brushing your teeth and flushing the toilet to wake up the Minions.  In a nutshell, don't get comfortable with one particular time of day, you could very well find yourselves locking the bedroom door at 2:17 PM on a Sunday afternoon while the Minions are watching Star Wars.

Location - Don't get all excited about this part, it may sound thrilling and daring but this doesn't mean you get to move it, move it in the movies, get down in the dressing room of Sears or bang in the bathroom of Subway.  All this means is you may not always get the chance to do it in your own bed.  You may have that kid who crawls into bed with you guys and takes up 3/4 of the queen size bed and well, I don't know about you but I would consider it highly wrong to participate in the act of coitus with a three year old in the way.  Fortunately for me, our Minions don't crawl into bed with us, each have tried once, but they found out that it was like snuggling with a Wookie, a very flatulent Wookie.  You can find other locations throughout the domicile like the toy room, garage or even the shed but with the first three things that change, this is the last thing you have to worry about.

One last thing with how coitus changes after having kids is the technique of birth control you may use and the reason for that is simple, we have three Minions because we don't want four.

This is my Theme Thursday post, go and click on the Theme Thursday picture on the right side of my blog and go read the other really funny people.  Just remember, I am in fact a Dad trapped in a Mommy blogging world.

Theme Thursday: You Could Have Warned Me!

You know that old saying, "I wish I knew then what I know now"?  I think, (and most parents will agree) that holds even more truth once you have kids.

When we first got pregnant with Minion #1 back in 2003 we were like most brand new expectant parents, confused, bewildered and even scared.  We were bringing a human into this world that we would have to take care for for at least eighteen years, we could barely take care of ourselves.  Just a mere nine months prior to #1 shooting out of the birth canal we were sunning, drinking and being carefree in Cancun...see a trend there?

We read all of the books from What to Expect When You're Expecting to How Not To Raise Your Child to be a Complete Assclown.  We took the classes where they showed us how to bath the kid, clothe the kid and how to care for the kid.  We childproofed our entire condo by installing outlet covers, corner bumpers, drawer locks and putting all breakable items high enough so the baby can't reach.  We packed the suitcase months before we were due....I need to stop right there, let me clarify I keep saying we because that is what men have been trained to do, but the only two parts of the pregnancy I had anything to do with is the insertion of Point A into Slot B and staying at the head of the hospital bed where I belonged.  Basically i started the process and the Trophy finished it, with me as her cheerleader.

Anyway, for nine months we did everything by the book to make sure our little *ahem* angel came out perfect, the Trophy even woke me up gently the night she went into labor with a soft kiss on the forehead and told me it was time.  Then twenty-three hours later our lives changed for-fucking-ever.

There is not one book, one class, one video that comes even remotely close to telling the truth about having a kid.  Everything we read or watched....all lies.  We didn't use one ounce of information that we didn't already know from common sense.  They told us to make sure the car seat was in properly, well no shit Sherlock.  They told us to feed the kid regularly, duh!  They even told us that they grow alarmingly fast, so enjoy every minute of them, well that part was true, sometimes I wish we could send the Minions back up the sperm chute.

After having one Minion, you learn things on your own and that prepares you for #2 and #3, not the books and shitbricks that tell you how to prepare for and raise your kids.  I am willing to bet half of them aren't even parents or only have one kid, if you only have one kid you are not a REAL parent, no offense to any readers who only have one, but you need at least two to make it interesting.  Instead of writing these books and producing these videos I wish they would have told us useful things, things like:

No matter how quick you are with the diaper, you are going to get shit or pissed on.

You will not get more than an hour of sleep in a twenty four hour period between the ages of 0 and 1.

You will not have an actual vacation to a location that you want to go to for at least sixteen years.  You will be forced to spend a week hob knobbing with Big Bird, Grover and Elmo.

You will in fact break down and purchase a DVD player for the car, this is for your own sanity.

You will not loose the pounds you gained with the baby, this goes for the Dads as well.

Complete meals are going to be few and far between, as a Dad you will be considered a vulture, picking the plates clean from what your Minions did not finish.

Your taste in music will change, instead of singing Shoot to Thrill, you will be forced to sing the Bellybutton Song.

Your beer will go from a nice micro-brew to cheaper Bud Light or Coors Light, if you're lucky enough to get beer.

Your clean house will now be overtaken by toys, lots and lots of toys.

Do not purchase a new living room set until the kids are out of the house, especially one with glass top tables.

Your sex life will decrease, not because of loss of interest in your partner, because you are too tired once the Minions are in bed (By the way, that is a teaser for next Theme Thursday)

You will break down and eventually eat baby food because it is readily available and there is no cooking.

Instead of style, you will now be looking at different aspects when purchasing something.  Will it hold up to a kid?  What's the warranty on it?  Will it withstand a peanut butter sandwich shoved into the disc drive?

Despite how hard you try, you cannot explain to a child that they can't play with the toys on the top shelves of the house, they don't understand the term collection.

You will resort to threats.  You may never act upon them but you will be forced to tell your Minion that you can call Santa Claus and tell him not to bring them gifts.

You need to learn how to poop and pee with the door open

There are many things that I wish people would have told me before we had our first Minion but I find that most people keep their ideas a secret as they want to see others suffer the same way they did.

This is my Theme Thursday post this week.  Click the Theme Thursday link on the right of my blog to go check out the other bloggers participating!

It's A Trap Thursday!

It's Thursday again!  And that means it is time for Theme Thursday.  Every Thursday a bunch of talented bloggers and me, do a blog post on Thursday of a particular Theme...clever huh?  This week we decided to let our imaginations run wild and we each came up with a few questions for the other bloggers to answer.  The deal was to pick at least ten questions but you can do more if you'd like.

 I knew it!  Eventually I fall into the trap again.  I despise doing lists like this, it reminds me too much of high school but such is life, so, being me, I decided to go for the gusto and I will answer all thirty questions, so without further ado, I bring to you....

30 Random Questions Asked By Other People Who You Never Have Met Other Than On The Internet

1.  What's the worst drunken episode in your adult life?
Here's the problem with this question....I don't remember.

2.  What's the dorkiest thing you're gay for?
I would not call Star Wars dorky, at all, period.  But we all now know that I am gay for Star Wars.

3.  What hidden/odd talent do you have?
Most people burp on command, I can fart on command.

4.  Do you have any irrational fears and what are they?
I hate cotton balls.  They are squeaky and send shivers through my body, I hate touching them, I hate removing them from pain reliever bottles and just thinking about them sends shivers up my spine.

5.  Why do you blog?
You guys are way cheaper than a therapist.

6.  If you could have a super power, what would it be and why?
Wow!  That's a great question.  Tough one, though I mean. what does one gauge his response on?  Physical prowess?  Keen detection skills?  The ability to banter well with super villains?  A la Mallrats.

7.  What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who use the term pet peeve.

8.  If you could retire anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?
I would retire to the mountains of Maine and on a lake.  The reason?  Besides being quiet and secluded,  I want to be the smartest person in the state.

9.  Which TV/movie character best resembles your personality?
Hmmmm,  there are so many to choose from but right at this moment I would choose Shrek and I am still battling Dreamworks for realistic impersonation.

10. What's the worst job you've ever had?
I picked raspberries when I was twelve years old.  I got paid $2 a bucket so on an average day I wold bring home $6.  What a fucking nightmare that was.

11. If your readers met you in person, what would surprise them most about you?
If my readers who didn't know me met me in person they would be surprised that I am not a stay at home
Dad.  Guess it's not a surprise anymore.

12. What is your most embarrassing parenting fail?
Failure is not an option.  There are no fails when it comes to parenting, they are referred to as learning experiences and my stint at being a Dad is chock full of learning experiences.

13. What's the worst thing you've done for money?
Do I look like a prostitute?

14. What's the worst date you've ever had?
I went on a date when I was in my late teens, she was a mutual friend of a friend and was normal by my standards when I first met her via the friend.  When I picked her up for the date, she had dyed her hair green, was wearing a black sweatshirt, skirt with striped pantyhose and combat boots.  Needless to say it didn't work out.

15. How did you lose your virginity?
By inserting Point A into Slot B.

16. What is your weirdest phobia?
What if I don't have a phobia?  Maybe it's phobphobia, the fear of phobias?

17. Is there someone you wish you could apologize to?
My readers, they shouldn't have to read through this list....

18. What's your guilty pleasure?
 Having quiet time in the bathroom.

19. If you could commit a crime and get away with it, what would you commit and why?
If I told you then I wouldn't be getting away with it, now would I?

20. What historical figure would you like to spend the day with talking about boys (or Angelina Jolie for the men folk)?
Well for starters, I wouldn't talk about Angelina Jolie, she does nothing for me, maybe Scarlett Johansson or Emma Watson.  But if I could spend a day with an historical figure it would have to be Lord Baden Powell.

21. Is there anyone you are secretly jealous of?
Again, if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret would it?  I will tell you I despise that blogger who wrote the Elf and Shelf post that went viral in like 2.5 seconds.

22. Do you and your mate have a "Hall Pass" list?
What the blue hell is a Hall Pass list?

23. If you could be a contestant on a game show, which one would it be?

It's not really a game show, but I would love to be on Who's Line Is It Anyway?.  I love stand up and improv.

24. Have you ever been caught "doing the deed"?  If so, by whom?
I can honestly say I have never been caught doing the deed, I'm like a ninja, I'm stealthy and in and out quick...wait, what?

25. What's one accomplishment in life you are most proud of?
The births of my three Minions...sometimes.  Sometimes I wish I could put them back up there though.

26. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Yes I have, I've met quite a few celebrities, the most notable though would have to be Kevin Eastman.  And for those of you who do not know who Kevin Eastman is...go jump off a cliff.

27. Which skeeves you out the most; vomit, poop, snot or pubic hair?
I despise puke the most.  Just the smell of it makes me want to puke and with three Minions there is an abundance of puke each school year.

28. What's the grossest thing you've found in your food?
I haven't really found anything really gross in my food, but the Trophy tried killing me one Thanksgiving.  Twice I found a sharp metal chuck in the sweet potatoes.  The chopper broke and she couldn't find the metal shards.

29. What is the most embarrassing thing you've done while meeting someone famous?
I once met Bob Marley, not the pot smoking hippie but the comedian and I tried to pull off one of his jokes for him while he was signing my sweatshirt and I totally bumbled it.  Bob just looked at me and shook his head.

30. What do you want on your tombstone?  (The actual stone, not the pizza)
To be honest I don't want a tombstone, what my friends and I have agreed to do is get cremated and then the remaining friends would take the urn to a cliff or an overpass, kick the urn off and say "Later, dick."

So there you have my Theme Thursday List.  If you would like to read about more people who are doing this list, I can divert you to the Theme Thursday Link Up Page.

It's The Great Frosted Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

October 31st in New England can be different than other places in the United States.  You see Halloween is more like Christmas for us, we are getting something but we don't know if we're going to like it or not.

For those of you who have not had the, ahem, pleasure of living in New England, Mother Nature has PMS in the fall, for more information, please refer to my post I did about Fall.  Yes, we have the four seasons, Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter and for the most part three out of the four are dead on with their descriptions.  Spring we know will be rainy and a little chilly, Summer will always be hot and Winter we can expect snow, but Fall, you never know what you are going to get up here and that screws up your Tricks or Treats (as the gang from Charlie Brown call it).

But, you can watch the weather can't you?  Nope.  New Englanders don't trust the weather people because they are usually wrong up here.  We tell the weather by opening the front door and sticking our heads out to see what it's doing.

Parents living in New England need to start thinking about their kid's Halloween costumes months in advance, not because their Minions can't decided on what to be, no sir, it's because they have to find the perfect costume that can be adapted for both hot and cold.   We can't just go to the local Halloween World and buy a Captain America costume, we need to study and do homework on different costumes.  People living in California or Florida are probably wondering why, well it's simple.  It's either going to be absolutely frigid or sweltering like the depths of Hell on Halloween and we won't know until about a day or two before the holiday.

There are different factors when picking out the costume and it can be time consuming, that is why you see a lot of kids up here dressed in their Dad's clothes and are going Trick or Treating as a hobo...what does that say about your Dad's taste of clothing?  You need to make sure the costume is bigger than normal because if it's cold out, the kids need to put their Thor outfit on over three other layers of long johns, t-shirts and sweat pants/shirts.  If you did not purchase the costume big, Thor wouldn't look so Mighty having to wear his L.L. Bean winter jacket over the cape and armor.

There is a catch to buying it too big though, if it's hot out, The Incredible Hulk will look more like a green Hulk Hogan with the sagging man boobs, you have nothing to stuff it with.  Now it will need an alteration consisting of safety pins and duct tape.  The good thing about buying the costume bigger is that it can be handed down if you were dumb brave caring enough to have multiple kids, another bad thing though is if you only have one kid, he/she will get sick of having to be the same thing for the next three Halloweens. 

But Dad, Barney went out of style 15 years ago...

This year the Trophy and I have beat Mother Nature at her own game.  We are going to dress the Minions up as Eskimos with a pair of surfer jams underneath, this way we are covered for both sides of Fall.

This is my post for Theme Thursday, I have hooked linked up with a bunch of other bloggers to give our thoughts on Halloween, click on the links below to read what they have to say about All Hallows Eve

Mom With Her Running Shoes On

Mommy Rotten

Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom

The Insomniac's Dream

One Classy Motha

And a special shout out to Jenn from Something Clever 2.0 for bringing all of use together!  You can find a complete list of the bloggers participating in Theme Thursday here.

Theme Thursday!

You Can Wish In One Hand...

...and shit in the other and see which fills up first.

Welcome to my first ever entry for Theme Thursday!  As you know, if you read my last post, I was solicited approached by a group of women Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom to participate each week for a Dad's point of view.  This weeks theme is Dream Jobs.  At first I asked Minions #1 and #2 what their dream jobs would be and well, I might as well have asked a bag full of cats to receive a more solid response.

#1 wants to be a Lego Engineer, he likes playing with Legos so that makes sense, then I explained he would have to go to eight more years of school AFTER he got out of school and he withdrew his answer...for now.

#2 wants to be a wizard and is waiting for his acceptance letter to Hogwarts, wants to be an Avenger and is waiting for Nick Fury to show up, wants to be a Jedi Knight, wants to be a teacher, wants to be an etc., etc. etc.  I'll come back to him in a few years.

So in turn I will tell you about my dream job or jobs.

I think everyone has a dream job.  Some lucky bastards have it currently but most of us schleps still wish for our dream job.  Let's face it, 90% of us despise our job and wish we could do something else, something we enjoy doing.  I have a three phase dream job actually, let me explain.

Don't be hating...

Phase 1 was when I was growing up or older I should say, I wanted to be a graphic designer and design video games.  Everyone said I would be great at it because I loved working with computers, was able to draw pretty well and I had a vivid imagination.  I actually went to college for graphic arts but times change and so did reality.  I ended up in the retail business and not a glorious high end electronics business either.

This could have been mine

Phase 2 would be my 16-22 age range.  I wanted to be either a professional Scouter or a permanent Program Director for a Boy Scout Camp.  However I chose not to become a professional Scouter for two reasons, you needed a four year degree, which I do not have and unfortunately, it's like Oz, when you see what is behind the curtain, the magic is lost.  I didn't want to loose the magic, I had peeked through the slits of the curtain and saw enough so I went with the Program Director job.  Well, that's just not going to happen, most Boy Scout camps run for about eight weeks in the summer and you don't get paid for the remaining 44, plus I got married and needed to face reality in the face.

Mmmmm, french fries....drool.

Phase 3 is the present day.  I would love to be able to open my own themed restaurant or bar.  You know how there are specialty hot dog or burger places that allow you to create your own monstrosity with whatever items you want on said dog or burger?  Well they are forgetting what I feel is the best part of the meal, the french fries.  Let's get serious for a minute, the fries always get pushed to the side and are an after thought to most people, they are usually what remains on the plate after you have devoured your mammoth burger or overflowing wiener because you are too full to eat them.  I for one think the french fries are the best part of the meal, provided they are cooked right.

At my restaurant, I've Fried and Gone to Heaven or I.F.G.H., the fries would be the main part of the meal and you can get a side of burger or hot dog with it.  Your plate would be a heaping pile of hot crispy fries, any style you want (more on that in a second) and you would have two mini burgers or two mini hot dogs for a side.  You would be able to choose what style fries you want too!  I would offer traditional fast food style fries, shoe string fries, steak fries, sweet potato fries, those smiley face fries, curly fries and even tater tots.  They would be deep fried to perfection, crispy on the outside and soft on the inside, they would be a angelic hue of golden brown and we would only use a good frying oil.  They would not be too greasy and they won't be soggy but the best is yet to come...

Guaranteed to make you fart!

After you receive your potatoey (new word people!) goodness, you would have a chance to go to our condiment bar.  Most people use ketchup for their fries, but here at I.F.G.H. you would have a plethora of dipping sauces and items you can put on your fries.  You could load your fries up with any combination of chili, onions, hot peppers, different cheeses and any other item you would like to put on your fries, if we don't got it, we'll get it...within reason.  We would offer you not only ketchup but mayonnaise, BBQ sauce, sweet and sour sauce, all different kinds of mustard, Dijon ketchup (thanks Bare Naked Ladies) and any other dipping sauce that you could possibly think of for your fries, again, if we don't got it, we'll get it.

So that would be my dream job, to own a successful niche restaurant called I've Fried and Gone to Heaven...yeah but alas, refer to my title and opening line.

Or I could pursue my life long dream of being a stand up comic...a little known fact about me and a different blog post for a different time.

Open mic anyone?

So, being Theme Thursday, all of the bloggers below are doing the same theme and each of them have a different outlook and I'm sure different dream jobs, go and check them out by clicking the links and you're good to go...did I mention I'm the only Dude in this thing?

Something Clever 2.0 http://www.somethingclever2point0.com/

Aspiring to the Middle http://mf-aspiring.blogspot.com/

Cloudy With a Chance of Wine http://cloudywithachanceofwine.com/

I like beer and babies. http://www.ilikebeerandbabies.com/

Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom http://modmombeyondindiedom.blogspot.com/

Mommy Rotten  http://blog.mommyrotten.com/

The Next Step http://lorihokie.blogspot.com/

a calibama state of mind http://calibamamom.wordpress.com/

Shit I Don't Tell Most People http://shitidonttell.blogspot.com/

Mom With Her Running Shoes On http://momwithherrunningshoeson.blogspot.com/

The Insomniac's Dream http://hypnoticbard.blogspot.com/