Pimpin' Ain't Easy

So, it looks like I have this Monday off from blogging because Gossip_Grl over at the great blog ~*~Whatever~*~ has spotlighted me on her page.  Of course there is a little blurb from yours truly in there answering some questions but mostly it's her spewing awesomeness about me..and Chaning Tatum.

So go and check this out and thanks to Gossip_Grl once again for the pimp, just don't bitch slap me if I don't come through with the money.

~*~Whatever~*~

Oh, It's January? I Hadn't Noticed.

For the past several years I have developed an early warning system.  It only activates itself in the middle of December and it lasts until the middle of January...January 15th to be exact.  This early warning system isn't your typical ringing alarms or clanging bells, it's subtle and only I am aware of it.  I am aware of it because it's my body that has the early warning system in it and it warns me that I have a month to prepare for becoming one year older in January.

You may remember my post When 35 Years Old You Reach, Look As Good You Will Not.  If not, go read it, I'll wait, I'm not going anywhere.  Welcome back, now go away again and read Part II.  I get nervous sending people away from my post, I'm never sure if they will return or not but I see you made it back just fine.  What I didn't tell you about was the early warning system.

Without fail, a few days before Christmas my body starts telling me that I am going to be a year older in a month.  I start getting aches I've never had before, this year my left shoulder started aching and I haven't been able to do anything to stop it from hurting.  My lower back has stiffened up and my right leg hurts like I strained it hiking or something...I haven't gone on a hike in two months.  This year on top of the aches and pains I've increased my hair output.  I've told you about the rogue hair in the eyebrow and that I have to shave my left ear but this has increased dramatically, like I need to fix that shit twice a week now.

Last year I turned 35 at the Boston Museum of Science with fifty of my closest friends under ten years old.  I took the Cub Scout Pack there for an overnight and it was fun.  I slept on the floor of the museum and heard snoring all night long by other adults.  I was treated to a wonderful breakfast of a granola bar and yogurt after being woken up by one of my Leaders telling me their kid puked all over the sleeping area so my birthday started off at 4:00 AM.

The following day I went to visit my Mom in the hospital where she proceeded to tell me that I hate her and I wished she was dead because I was keeping her there.  Those were the last things she said to me before she passed the next day.

I'm a equal opportunity geek.

This year can only be better right?  I don't have to worry about either of my parents dying this year, we're not going to the Museum of Science and my birthday falls on a Tuesday so I will be at work all day.  The good news is I only have twelve more days until the early warning system shuts off.  So what AM I doing this year?  It involves the Cub Scouts again, but this time it is outside and on a steep mountain.

Each January we try to break up the winter doldrums by doing a weekend getaway with the Cub Scouts and this year we are doing a snow tubing sleepover.  Yes, I am already achy and sore and I am going to go snow tubing for four hours at a ski resort, spend 90% of the weekend outside in the cold and sleep over in a big hall, on the floor again.  The cool thing is we get a much better breakfast in the morning, not just a granola bar and yogurt.

I am not doing any resolutions this year either.  I've been down that road, went off the cliff and was released from the hospital.  I am going to start a Biggest Loser contest at work though, it's not a resolution to loose weight, there's cash prizes so it's purely selfish.  I did this a few years ago and dropped sixty pounds and I have been pretty successful keeping it off (within 10-13 lbs) so I am pretty confident I can do it again.  Wish me luck!

Kickin' Ass And Puking Up Names

I kept telling myself while I was doing the 25 Days Project that I was going to take a little break from blogging after that was done and I did.  The problem was the break didn't happen by my choosing.  I didn't have a wonderful week off around Christmastime like a lot of people and like most of the Northeast, we have been overcome with some sort of plague.  It has reared it's ugly head and infected us.  It's like the Force, my Minions had it, I had it and it's strong with us.

Minion #3 had it first and his was quick, it lasted less than twelve hours and he was fine.  Then #2 got it and he got it hard.  He first starting feeling sick on Christmas and had it until four days ago.  #2 is odd, (well that goes without saying) he would puke and then feel 100% better and try to eat everything in the house.  He never gave it a chance to get out of his system.  Then #1 had it and so on and so on.  Now I rarely get sick but when I do I do it with gusto.

Last Thursday I woke up at 3:00 AM and had that moment where you had to make that pivotal decision on kneeling or sitting.  I opted to sit and come to find out you can in fact have liquid coming out of both ends at the same time.  I would not suggest this act to anyone due possibility of explosion, I was waiting for something to come out of my belly button like an alien.  As mentioned before, when I get sick I do it with style and even as I am typing I am on a diet of ginger ale, broth and Jell-O.  The good news is I have been able to upgrade to dry toast and white rice....stop you're spoiling me.

Life goes on and I won't let it affect New Years, not that we do much on New Years.  I don't think we've seen a ball drop in ten years.  The last time I went to a First Night Celebration was when I was in college and I saved my date and her friends from freezing to death because I had an ATM card, but that's a story for another blog.

So while I was enduring my 25 Days Project, I had some things happen that I couldn't blog about because it didn't fit in with the whole Christmastime thing.  In case you've been living under a rock somewhere in the Antarctic, I've participated in Dude Write pretty much on a regular basis and have won ALL of the Man Cards given out (not that I'm bragging, but yeah I am).  They changed the format around a little to make it more fair, which was a good thing and I missed the inaugural to my Arch Nemesis, The Six Fingered Monkey but on Christmas I was presented (get it?  Present...presented?) with the astute honor of winning the new Member's Only Award for the best post AND the People's Choice Award for the popular vote.

I even got a jacket...get it?

I'm like the Rock, if you smell what I'm cookin'.

Along with the double win over at Dude Write, I submitted my first post to Yeah Write and for most of the time I was in top five out of twenty eight bloggers...twenty seven of them I feel are WAY better than I am.  I ended up in sixth, but I would consider that a win in my book.  On top of participating and doing fairly well in Yeah Write, I was pleasantly happily surprised to find that the Sleepy Bard over The Insomniac's Dream shoved upon me one of those fantastic blogger awards...well more of a game of tag....

Frankly, I'm a little disappointed, when I read about her "tagging" me post (like I'm some sort of wild animal that National Geographic wants to study) there is usually some sort of little icon or picture I can put in my Accolades case just to show that I was a good sport and played along, but not this time.  Just a simple "I tagged you in this post and now you need to make five wishes and tag five other people to torture and I'm not even going to give you a little award for doing so...bitch" post.  Fine.

My Five Wishes (like I'm blowing out the candles on my birthday cake or something)

1.  I wish I would never have to do one of these "tagged things" again.
2.  I wish no other blogger had to do one of these "tagged things" again (see?  I'm looking out for you guys too)
3.  I wish my blog would go viral.
4.  I wish Episode VII was coming out sooner than 2015.
5.  I wish for a much better year in 2013.

There I did it, everyone happy now?  Can I get back to my daily routine?  No?  Oh crap, I forgot I need to tag five bloggers in this fiasco too.  You know what, it's going to be a new year tomorrow, I think I will start it off right by breaking making my own rules.  I'm not going to tag anyone, nada, zero, zilch, zippo.  If you want to play along, feel free to do so...if not, no skin off my back.

Day 25: Episode IV: The Scrooge Strikes Back

Well another Christmas has come and gone and my living room looks like a demilitarized zone with Legos and Squinkies scattered everywhere.  All in all it was a pretty good Christmas and I have been de-Scrooged.  It started yesterday, obviously, on Christmas Eve (which don't forget is Minion #1's birthday) I, like all other retail schmucks, have to work on Christmas Eve and that's when all the dumbasses come out. 

Seriously, it's not like I work at the mall or a toy store, go home and spend time with your families you idiots.  Luckily it was a partial day and I was home fairly early.  Every Christmas Eve we take Minion #1 out for his birthday dinner and this year he chose Buffalo Wild Wings.  Nice choice kid!  Buffalo wings and beer all around!  Or at least for me...

After dinner we cruise around looking at Christmas lights and this year there seemed to be a lot more than normal and it made for a pretty decent drive around.  We stumbled upon a house in the town over from us who sets up for a light show and all the music was Trans Siberian Orchestra, which is my second favorite Christmas music right behind the Boss.  We watched that for the half hour and contemplated going to check out a real Living Nativity but once I explained there wouldn't be a camel there, the magic burst like a balloon, so we headed home and got ready for the fat man to arrive.

The Minions before bed

Once we got the Minions into bed, the scurrying commenced.  We ran all over the house to the hiding places where all of the presents were hid.  One of the many things I love about the Trophy is she doesn't wrap the presents from Santa...God I love that. We had set all the presents out and were getting ready for bed ourselves when the Trophy got a text.  "Can I come pick up the TV?"

Before the Fat Man got there.

Crap, we forgot that we were nominated to be the neighborhood storage unit again this year and our neighbor had the TV her family was getting from Santa in our garage.  So, in a flurry we got dressed and waited for her to arrive.

The Minions actually let us sleep until 7:00 AM and then the commotion started.  Let me ask you a question...who decided that it was a good idea to twist tie ALL of the toys into the packages with a plastic coated wire?  People who don't have kids, that's who!  We spent half our morning twisting toys out of their plastic jail cells.

About mid morning I fell back to sleep, in my recliner, with my robe and slippers one.  I felt like my Dad, minus the whole being bald thing.  Once the afternoon rolled around we, like everyone else I saw on Facebook, decided to get Chinese food.  Sixty five dollars later we pigged out on fried Chinesey goodness and had plenty of leftovers.  This was the first year that we didn't have a big meal since #1 was born.  We figured since Mom and Dad passed earlier this year, who were we trying to impress so well all ate while still wearing our pajamas.

So here it is, ten minutes to nine and I've had two naps, ate my weight in crab ragoon, played my Star Wars Xbox 360 and built both Star Wars Lego sets I got for Christmas.  I have watched the Minions playing their games, we went for a walk in the snow and spent time as a family.  It was a good day.  I think every day should be like Christmas Day. 

Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you were able to spend time with your family and friends!

Goodby Gonads!  I hope you fucking suffocate in that stupid box you came in.

Yes, that is a genuine Gay For Star Wars Xbox 360

Pickled green beans anyone?

Moose mug!

Day 24: The Day Before Christmas

***This was originally posted last December on Christmas Eve.  I thought it was pretty good so I wanted to repeat it, also I am in fact working today last year I was fortunate to have it off.***
 

Here it is, the day before Christmas and I'm relaxing...shhh don't tell anyone. I guess I will post about Christmas...

Twas the day before Christmas and all through the dwelling,
The smell of beer farts were still lingering and smelling.
The moose lights were all strung up with care,
With hopes that St. Nick would still come there.

The three boys were watching a movie called Santa Clause,
While Christmas tunes were being belted out by The Boss.
And mom in the kitchen baking all sorts of crap,
The dog all nestled, warm in my lap.

When out in the driveway arose such a clatter,
I proceeded to yell "Now what the hell is the matter?"
Opening the front door to find my next door neighbor,
Asking me if I could come over and help him with some sort of labor.

After an hour of helping and busting my ass,
I realized that my precious day off was going by very fast.
When, what to my amazed eyes should appear?
But an ice cold yummy beer.

With the 1.5 year old down for a nap,
I pondered what to do tonight just like a sap.
You see, it's the oldest son's birthday today,
Which means he chooses dinner, it's Olive Garden he does say.

"Now Tristan, Daniel and Benjamin let's get on the go,
Get in the truck, oh for god sakes you're so frickin slow!
Don't forget your coat and Ben please tie your shoe,
Oh crap, we forgot to wrap Daniel's present, think he'll have a clue?"

As we drive up to Keene, like a jet plane we fly,
When we meet with an obstacle, last minute shoppers, sigh.
The parking lot was full of cars and trucks which totally blew,
But on Christmas Eve, no one goes out to eat except for the occasional Jew.

And then, after dinner was done,
We pile back into the truck and look at Christmas lights, what fun!
As I drive the family around,
The kids get real bored and quick so it's homeward bound.

We all gather 'round getting ready to watch the Star Wars Holiday bit,
A show so terrible even Lucas disowned it.
A special about Life Day and Chewie's family,
And it's a must watch for any Star Wars fan, especially me.

This year Santa has a request for which cookie he favors
According to the note from school, snicker doodles are what he savors.
Now the wife, getting back into the kitchen,
Whips up a batch of cookies, the whole time bitching.

Milk they say is what he drinks with his cookie,
Personally I think he would prefer a glass of whiskey.
Oh yeah that Elf on the Shelf, one more time we must hide,
Before we can bid that fucking little bastard goodbye.

Now all the kids are tucked safe in bed,
The wife and I sneaking presents before we get caught, hands of red.
With the gifts under the tree, the cookies I have to eat,
We look at each other and say "Shit, time for bed, we're beat."

Before we can hit the hay,
My phone rings, it's a friend, the one who is gay.
He wishes us a Merry Christmas and invites us to New Years,
He lures us in with promises of lots of beers.

Now we're finally lying down in bed,
Visions of 5:30 AM dance in our head.
But, thinking back I would have to tell you,
I wouldn't trade my family or anything that they do.

So, Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope Santa brings you everything you ask for!

I've had it with Gonads, thank the maker this is the last night for him!

Day 23: Happy Birthday, Minion #1, You're Screwed

We have a dilemma in our domicile that rears it's ugly head every year around Christmas.  Minion #1 is a Christmas baby...well Christmas Eve baby.  #1 was thiiiis short of being the next coming of Christ or maybe the Antichrist, we'll never know because he was born at 1:23 AM on December 24th.  When he was born the nurses said he was our little Christmas gift and put him in a stocking as a present for us.  Looking back I wish I had asked for a gift receipt.  Just joking, #1 is the most "normal" of the three Minions and I use "normal" very loosely.

We know he was ours not because the tag on his ankle matched our wristbands but because he was the only white baby born in the hospital that day.  I'm not kidding, I went to the nursery to gaze upon my little bundle of joy and I got to play One of These Things Is Not Like The Others.  When our family and friends came to visit the next day we just told them to go and search for the albino in the nursery.  If this was during the Hitler era, we would have been accused of being Nazis.  #1 is a blonde haired, blue eyed, whiter than rice kid.

#1 will be nine years old on Christmas Eve but will celebrate his tenth Christmas.  Don't think about it too long, your brain will ooze out of your anus.

What about the dilemma Kev?  Right, the dilemma.  Well, like anyone born within a week of Christmas, Minion #1 will eventually get fucked over on his presents.  So far we have been able to split his gifts evenly between his birthday and Christmas but as he gets older, his tastes get more expensive.  For example last year he wanted Legos...simple and easy, you can give him Legos on both days, but this year he wanted a Nintendo 3DS and games, that's it, nothing else.  So we now have the dilemma, if we give the game system to him on his birthday he won't have anything to play until the next day and if we give the games he will know what he's getting for Christmas AND he still believes in the Fat Man from the North Pole.  Sure, there's ways around it but it's going to get more difficult each year, I mean my birthday is in January and even I was screwed in the gift department.  "Now remember Kevin, this jacket is for BOTH Christmas and your birthday."

The gift issue aside, the other issue with his birthday being in December, let alone Christmas Eve, is the birthday party.  95% of the time it is cold and miserable outside in the month of December and any good place inside to have a party costs half a year's salary.  This year we are being brave, actually I haven't decided if it's bravery or dumbassery but this year we are allowing him to invite five of his friends over for a sleepover.  It'll be fun, or so I'm told.

People always ask "How come we don't have his birthday party in the summer?"  Well brainiac, he was born in December, which means his birthday is in December.  I'm not sure if I want to celebrate the almost coming of the antichrist twice in one year.

Sure we've done the birthday parties at local establishments but we gave up on that notion a few years ago.  The first party we had at an establishment was in kindergarten, we invited all of his classmates and did a party at a laser tag place.  We had the place for two hours, they provided cake, pizza and soda and even party favors.  It cost us upwards of $300 for this extravaganza and guess what?

Only one kid showed up.

We spent almost $300 on a party for twelve and one classmate showed up...and he was late!  Sure we had a grand old time playing laser tag and eating six pizzas but let's face it, it wasn't worth it.

We skipped a year and did something simple and had friends over but then we became dumb again and this time we went to Chuck E. Cheese....fuck...that...place.

When did video games become a dollar to play?  Whatever happened to the video games we had when we were kids that cost twenty five cents, maybe fifty cents?  Each kid got twenty tokens and that lasted like three games.  After playing for a while, they called us over to have the microwaved cardboard they claim is pizza and the freaky ass rat sings to the birthday kid.  Once the grease settles and the soda has spilled, the kids turn their tickets in and get a pencil eraser and a plastic spider for 800 tickets.

That was the last time we did an establishment party.

Fucking thief!  He's stealing the Trophy's jewelry!

Day 22: Who Needs That Much Poultry?

These aren't the gifts you're looking for...move along.

Before I dive into my scheduled post, I want to wish my Mom a Happy 75th Birthday today.  I miss you more than anything right now and I know you will still be watching us on Christmas Day.  I love you.

OK so now that we got that out of the way and I dragged you down for a second time in less than a week, I want to tell you about a Twitter conversation I had a few days ago that prompted this post.  James from Dads Round Table threw this little tidbit out into Twitterland:

And that triggered my thought process on Day 22 of the 25 Day Project.  The Twelve Days of Christmas.  Now there are dozens of variations on this song from Redneck to Scout Camp, but I'm talking about the original, the unaltered, the "what true love thought these were going to be good Christmas gifts anyway?" song.

My true love gave to me:  

Twelve drummers drumming  

Eleven pipers piping  

Ten lords a-leaping  

Nine ladies dancing  

Eight maids a-milking  

Seven swans a-swimming  

Six geese a-laying  

Five golden rings  

Four calling birds  

Three french hens  

Two turtle doves  

And a partridge in a pear tree.

So because I suck at math, I will let Morgan @captmorganmomma break it down for you:

And Bartholomew thought he was being smart with the advent calendar, that's a lot of presents, but let's dive a little more into this.

Twenty three birds?  Even the food bank doesn't need that much poultry.  Imagine the bird shit everywhere!  Imagine the breast enlargements!  A partridge is the Micro Machine of the chicken world, turtle doves are gamey and what the hell are calling birds anyway?  The only useful fowl in this song would be the hens and geese (you can't hunt swans, they're protected for some reason).  So, the poultry list has been narrowed down to nine and unless your last name is McDonald and your refer to yourself as old, that's a whole shitload of birds.

Seventeen girls.  OK, I can see that...wait, what am I saying?  It sounds like that whole 72 virgins thing that some terrorists subscribe to.  Whether your true love is male or female, this is a pretty weird gift.  There are ways to look at both the ladies dancing and the maids a-milking.

First the ladies dancing, what kind of dance?  Are we talking ballet, jazz or swinging from a pole?  Personally I like the whole swinging from a pole thing but some fruitcakes might like ballet.  I need more information before I would consider this a good gift or not.  Second, the maids a-milking.  ***DISCLAIMER*** You are about to dive into the gutter with me  ***END DISCLAIMER***  If the maids are milking cows, then you have a whole different problem going on that would require you to build a barn and nowhere in the song do they mention xx cows a-waiting to be milked.  So that would leave one to believe that the eight maids are involved in some sort of fetish porn...just saying. 

Now comes the sausage fest.  Thirty three men.  Again, whether your true love is male or female, that's fucked up right there.

This sounds like some sort of Cirque du Soleil.  What it boils down to is this song is completely off the mark nowadays.  Who wants that much mess and that much noise?  I think Morgan got it right, sell the gold and buy booze, you're going to need it.

Here, if anyone is wondering what to get me for Christmas, please watch this video...

I also need to apologize to everyone, I wrote about my Mom and a fetish porn in the same post.  I think I might be going to hell on that one.

Dude, this elf is messed up, spelunking for cat turds???  Although he did tell me he thought the were Tootsie Rolls.

Day 21: Picture Perfect

Well here we are, 21 Days into the 25 Day Project and we have started receiving the perfect family portraits at the domicile.  I'm not talking about the picture Christmas cards with the collage of your vacation to Disney, I'm talking about the fake ass, look at us, we're a perfect family picture that people only take at Christmas time.

Why pretend to be a perfect family one month out of the year?  We all know that your family is a bunch of misfits the other eleven months of the year so who are you fooling? Just because you had a picture taken in front of a roaring fire and all of you are wearing the same colored sweater doesn't mask the "Jer-ry!  Jer-ry!  Jer-ry!" stench that exudes off of you.  I call bullshit on the aspect of Christmas as well.

They're still around?????

If you're going to be insistent on forcing a family picture on us, at least be realistic about it.  Instead of going to Sears or JC Penny and having the whole family huddle in front of a green screen that will ultimately depict a magical wintery scene straight from Harry Potter take a picture of yourselves at the beach.

Dixie ain't proud today...

Not the "look we took a family vacation to Florida" beach, I'm talking about the local State Park beach.  Make sure you get all of the overweight, Chewbacca guys wearing grape smugglers in the background and don't forget to get the one couple fucking in the corner of the swimming area, that makes for a magical scene right there.  Put the kids in their matching American Flag bathing suits (because nothing says I love America more than a flag swimsuit) and the parents should be wearing the bikini that is too small for your "voluptuous" frame and the white mustard stained wife beater that shows off your farmer's tan perfectly.  Take care to smear sun block haphazardly all over the kids and yourselves and then take the picture while looking into the sun.  There, perfect!

The beach isn't your style?  OK, no problem, what about the family reunion?  That's a perfect time to take the family picture.  You can clear off the stage at the local VFW and pose for pictures there.  The other ninety people at the reunion won't mind if you halt the party for a while.  There are a couple of key elements you need in this picture though.  You need to make sure at least one beer can is visible in the shot, preferably a Coors Light or other type of white trash beer.  You also need to make sure the kid's Pokemon t-shirts are tucked in because nothing says classless like an untucked t-shirt.  The husband needs to have that half-cocked look to him and make sure the wife is wear gobs of makeup that day.

Wow....just wow.

 Along the same lines as a family reunion, you could utilize a wedding or a funeral.  You and your family are already dressed up in your "Sunday best" so right after the the kissing of the bride or the eulogy, herd your family up on the alter to make it look like you are church going people and extremely happy to be there.  Just make sure the coffin is out of the frame and don't worry about the bridal party, they have all night.

At the reception is fine too...

These are just a few ideas for your next family portraits, you know to save you time and money.  This way you can be realistic about your "perfect family" when you send out your Christmas cards next year.

Man..he stole my beer and my truck!

Day 20: Dear Kevin...

If you've been following my 25 Days Project you will know that I wrote a letter to the Fat Man from the North on Day 2.  Well wouldn't you know...he actually wrote back!  To get a letter from Santa in reply to one you sent is pretty cool, maybe this is what I needed to get out of my jolly funk.  I haven't read it yet but I copy and pasted it here so we can all read it together for the first time...I'm actually kind of excited.

Dear Candy Cane Ass,

I normally don't write back to the MILLIONS of letters I receive every year, in fact I never do but I read yours and thought to myself...this one needs some explaining.  You made some very valid points in your letter and I would like to take some time to answer them.

The first thing I want to tackle is, telling the truth doesn't always work, you've been an ass all year long and one sentence isn't going to change that.  Even though I am not the same Santa that is in every mall and goes to every church breakfast, they report back to me.  Kids all the time tell me that they haven't been very good all year but maybe I can give them a pass.  Do I look like a priest during confession?  It's not that simple..."Say two Our Fathers and call me in the morning.", that crap doesn't fly with me.  It's cut an dry you're either Naughty or Nice, that's it, coal or toys, there is no in between.

The next thing I would like to explain is my fluffiness.  Do you think I like being a fat ass all year long?  I have a thyroid problem you jerk!  I wear many layers of clothes because I don't want my moobs to show and you of all people should know that feeling.  I do have an exercise program in the off season, it's called throwing my back out humping your wife.

You asked what I did in the off time?  What off time?  The way you humans are, Christmas basically runs year round.  Just like most people, I get the typical two weeks off a year and I spend those two weeks drinking beer.  Just because Christmas is over on December 26 doesn't mean I stop working you dumbass.  You know all of those presents that get returned?  The stores can't keep them in stock so they get shipped up here until about Valentine's Day.  I recycle them with the help of my Elves into next year's presents.

Just when I think I can get a breather, you greedy bastards throw in Christmas in July!  What is this shit?  Now you expect me to arrive a second time AND in the middle of summer?  Do you know how hard it is for a fat man to work in the middle of summer?  Wait, yes you do I forgot...

Then after July 25th passes, I need to prepare for the millions of toys that I need to drop off to the kids ALL OVER THE WORLD.  Did I mention MILLIONS???  That shit isn't easy to do, even with the help of my Elves who by the way fall under the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy we have up here.  We download the List to our iPads and when people say we check it twice, they're wrong.  I have OCD and I check it at least a dozen times.  This is crunch time for me, I need to sort out the coal and the presents and it's not like we use magic to make our toys, those things are hand made bitch.

I'm sorry, I never get to vent to anyone except Mrs. Claus and she can be a downright CU Next Tuesday.  I've been married to her for, um, well I lost count after a hundred years, but I've been married to her for a long, long time.  I also have the therapist Elf, but she's too busy dealing with all of the Elf on the Shelf misfits.  You really didn't think yours was the only "broken" one did you?  I don't know what it is with those Elves, every single one of them is fucked in the head.

I have to be honest, your letter hit home and that is why I chose you to be the first person I have ever written back to.  No one knows how hard it is to be Santa, but yet you hit every nail on the head.  I have to make sure my reindeer aren't covered in glitter and working a pole, the Elves need to be watched 24/7 to makes sure they aren't running amok (maybe I should start CORI checking them) and I need to meet with the lawyers all the time making sure I have proper documentation for everything I do and plan to do.

My job is a very stressful job but maybe you're the one who could possibly help me.  I have read your blog while on the shitter and I have to say, you and I have a lot in common.  I know you probably won't be able to help out a lot but every little bit helps right?  I have two simple requests that maybe you could spread the word about.

1.  Instead of milk and cookies, can people leave Diet Coke and a shwarma?  Too many sweets make me gassy.

2.  I have a couple of favorite Christmas songs I like to hear every year.  Can the people have a playlist playing for me when I drop off the presents?  I would like the following songs on the playlist as they are my favorites.

Again, I am sorry for my venting but you seemed like the kind of guy who would listen.  I hope you have a Merry Christmas and thank you for spreading the word...you douche.

Kris Kringle

P.S.  I am sorry for the fucked up Elf I sent you, I tried to help out by telling him to off himself but that didn't work...

Day 19: Do They Know It's Christmas?

Before I even started writing this, Jenn over at Something Clever 2.0 posted about the Newtown tragedy.  She sums it up a lot better than I do, so go and read it, but come on back to read mine.

I'm taking a break from humor today and I know I am almost a week late on the tragedy that happened in Newtown, Connecticut but it's taken me a while to compile my thoughts.

I am not going to stand on a soapbox about gun control, mental illness or school security.

I am not going to spew political beliefs and agendas.

I am not going to participate in any of the social media memorial ideas that are out there.

I am not going to pretend that I know what the families, students and teachers are going through.

I am not going to talk about the shooter and make excuses for him.

What I am going to do is talk about how I feel.  No matter how you cut it, this was a tragedy, an uncalled for, senseless tragedy.  The world lost 20 innocent children for no reason.  What's worse is that their families lost them at Christmas time.

I could never imagine losing one of my sons.  I've tried.  In the past few days I have wondered what the parents are going through and I've tried to imagine situations if something happened to one of them and I can't.  My brain shuts down when I try.  It refuses to let me feel what those parents are going through.

I attended a candle light vigil last night in the town over from me.  This is the first time I have attended any sort of church service on freewill.  I went there in the rain and joined over a hundred other people who held vigil for children and adults whom we have never met and probably would have never met.  This renewed some of my faith in humanity.  I was amazed as I looked through tear drops at the people who gathered.

While standing there in the cold freezing rain, I thought.  I thought about my kids.  Daniel, Benjamin and Tristan.  I thought about how much they mean to me.  I thought about the day each of them came into this world and how they've grow so much in such a short period of time.  Then I thought about this coming Thursday.

This Thursday we are having our Cub Scout Holiday Party.  As you know I am the Cubmaster for the Pack in town and I have the responsibility to help 36 young boys grow up.  Two of the victims were Tiger Cubs in Pack 170.  Wow, not only do I have to worry about my boys but I have 34 surrogate sons that I could never imagine having to go to a memorial service for.  I am not going to talk about it during my Cubmaster Minute, however I will have one single candle burning and do a moment of silence.

In the past few days I have been barraged with emails and Facebook messages asking me to "join" this group and "like" that page.  I understand everyone wants to help out but I have made my choice.  I will not join your "ban all guns" group or like the "mental illness kills" page.  I am helping out in my own way:

I am asking my Cub Scout Pack to donate new or gently loved stuffed animals to the Someone Who Loves You Project.  This project is simple and started in my town by a couple of great young ladies.

I am also asking Scouting families and Friends of Scouting to give support to Pack 170 who is part of the Connecticut Yankee Council.

Despite of these two things I am doing, I can't bring the kids back.  You can't bring the kids back.  No one can bring the kids back.  The best thing anyone can do, regardless of religion or belief is to give comfort to the families, students and teachers. Giving comfort could be as simple as holding a moment of silence while you sit in your car.  A little comfort goes a long way.

It makes me wonder, the parents who lost their children, Do They Know It's Christmas?

This is a somber moment for everyone, even Gonads who is holding a vigil for them right now.

I'm submitting this post to Dude Write this week, where the Dude Bloggers are honoring the victims of Sandy Hook.  Please go and read the other blogs and, well you know the rest.