Spanking The Monkey

I seem to have developed an arch-nemesis of sorts.  Huh?  I never would have thought that I, mild mannered, swass kicking, gas producing Kevin would have an arch-nemesis.  I feel like Superman vs. Lex Luther; Batman vs. The Joker; Snoopy vs. The Red Baron.  I have a legitimate arch-nemesis in the name of...

You can go to his blog HERE...if you want.

My arch-nemesis (how many more times can I use arch-nemesis?) sought out and has infiltrated my Fortress of Solitude, my blog, by commenting on some of my posts.  Well actually I would have to say that I maybe, kind of, sort of provoked the comments by posting about him winning the Dude Write Challenge a while ago...which by the way I did not enter, thus making it possible for him to win.  My post was all in good tidings to the Six-Fingered Monkey, yet somehow he took it as something different.

Somehow, over the course of a couple of months, we have found ourselves locking horns via Twitter and Facebook, like Thor against Loki, Spiderman against Dr. Octopus or Mighty Mouse against Oil Can Harry.  Albeit our feuds are simple and definitely not hate driven, it's odd since we've lived in harmony until just recently.

I salute you...sellout.

In many ways we are similar, both of us are bloggers, humorous bloggers.  We both enjoy the company of male children...wait that sounded wrong, we both have children that are boys.  We are both involved in the Cub Scouts as Leaders.   We have both pondered the mystery of the two headed woman and her masturbation and sex life.  We both were shocked to find out David Lee Roth was gay.  We both compete in the Dude Write Challenge and at one point we were both.....anti-Instagram.  Looking back, I think that is what drew the line in the sand between us.  The Six-Fingered Monkey sold out.

A while back, Six came up (all by himself) with the notion of N.A.D. or National Anti-Instagram Day and presented to the entire world on his blog.  It was declared and almost passed through Congress (I'm lying there) that July 5th would be National Anti-Instagram Day.  People around the world were asked to participate in the downfall of what is Instagram by posting NON altered photographs onto their Facebook page, Twitter account, website, blog and any other media source they had.  It was a movement more monumental than Rosa Parks and Occupy Wherever combined.  In other words, it was a freaking fan-fuck-tastic idea!

June 5th rolls around and there I am shoulder to shoulder with Six, ready to unveil my unaltered photographs and prepped to give the Instagram app a giant fuck off.  It happened, and millions thousands hundreds several people participated in N.A.D. and it was a gigantic humongous decent marginal success.  Six wrote a great post on his blog about how proud he was and thanked everyone for their efforts, Six was a persona we could all get behind (in a non-gay way).


Then it happened, less than a month later he sold out.  The Six-Fingered Monkey, leader of the N.A.D.S. turned his back on his own minions and followers and....downloaded the Instagram app for his iPod, took and uploaded a photo of himself, thus proclaiming himself a hypocrite.  Shoving us, his followers and friends into the dirt, he walked away and left us wondering what happened.  There were good people who went with Six on his damn fool crusade, myself, Blondie McBaffled, Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom and Joe just to name a few were left holding the banners and signs for N.A.D. 

This songs for you Six...

Then if that wasn't enough, he goes and enters a post about his grandma and how he misses her to Dude Write.  (To be fair, I can totally relate having lost both my parents this year and it was a great post)  This sympathy post secured his third Diamond Man Card and causing him to brag about how he was the first Diamond winner, the first to win multiple Diamond Man Cards (which I missed being the first by one vote...against Six) and to directly come after me for not having won any of the times he had entered Dude Write.  I felt attacked (not really) and on the defensive (again not really).

Six, my arch-nemesis, I would like to point out that to your pitiful amount of Man Cards, I have secured seventeen of my own, also the first to win all three levels of the Man Card, Diamond, Platinum and Gold and the first to win every Man Card offered.  We both have secured Leibsters and Rockin' Blogger awards but are you on Dan's Wall of Shame?  Sure you're a published writer in the ebook All Cracked Up and a team member over at Sprocket Ink but can you handle the pressure of the A to Z Challenge bitch?  I think not my old friend.

Seriously, go and drop the $3...it's worth it big time!

I am prepared to defend the common man and to carry on N.A.D. with or without you, I know there is still good in you, I can feel it, but you came looking for the horns, well you got the bull....or something like that, I still need to work on my superhero catch lines but you're still a funny ass douche nozzle.

As for Scouting...come see me when you've reach this level...

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda and Pimping A Monkey

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda, have been the three words I have been using the past week.  I coulda done that, I shoulda did this, I woulda done it that way.  Like, I coulda entered Dude Write last week, I shoudla wrote more blog entries and I woulda if I was so busy with this pesky thing called life.

For the first time since Dude Write started I did not submit an entry into the challenge, thus allowing The Six Finger Monkey to win with his Gramma post....actually I want to take that back it was a very heartfelt post and hit home because of my two losses this year, although I did allow him to win by not entering.  I even wrote a post about the Sticky Situation in Quebec and how their Fort Knox of maple syrup was broken into...I coulda easily uploaded that into the challenge and given Six a run for his money, him and his damn 20 votes anyway (again, just kidding Six, you know I love you...in a platonic way of course).

I shoulda did more blog posts, there were easy targets the past week too.  I shoulda wrote about Minion #1 and #2 starting school and how they have no problem getting up at the crack ass of dawn all summer long and now you need a cattle prod to rouse them.  I shoulda wrote about the quick glimpse of the girl with two heads I saw on TV (but Six already did it) and pondered if you were having sex with her, would that be considered a threesome?  I shoulda posted about the wonderful Commonwealth I reside in and how a suburb of Boston is banning styrofoam and how the Mayor made Martin Luther King have a sex change.  Hell, I shoulda wrote about the primary in which I didn't vote in because I don't like any candidate whatsoever.

 Our two party system is a steaming pile of dog shit looking at itself in the mirror. - Lewis Black

I woulda done all of those and more if September didn't roll around.  September is the start of, well, fucking everything.  School traditionally starts in September, Scouting starts in September, winter snow tire season starts in September (in New England anyway) and fundraising starts in Septemeber.  Schools sure know how to put the FU in fundraising.  The kids come home with more pamphlets about pictures, pies, candles, Butter Braids, and shit you can buy at Walmart for half as much.  Yup I woulda done a lot more in the past week that I have been MIA.

OK, now I need to come clean, I fell into a funk and not the kind of funk you find between your toes or in your belly button (go ahead, stick your finger in your bell button and smell it).  I was in a funk where I didn't want to do anything, write, work, think, plan and so on.  It's nothing major and everyone goes through it, hell I find it hard to believe there are people more fucked up than I am.  It was a combination of missing my parents (Six, I will write about missing them for Dude Write and kick everyone's asses with the sympathy vote...again joking, great post, blogger from another logger) and beginning the fall season where both of them went into the hospital/nursing home a year ago.

Then I remembered, I have you guys as a therapist..for FREE!  I promise that I have some posts sitting in the hopper waiting to be flushed out soon.