More Power!

Well seeing this is my post for Dude Write and Dude Write is a men blogging place, what better subject than testosterone?

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor

I should preface this with some of my TV watching habits.  I really don't watch much TV compared to other people but when I do, I do it with style!  I am the typical "quick draw" remote control guy where watching TV means channel surfing, I will stop on something for about thirty seconds and if it doesn't pique my curiosity in that allowed time frame I move on.  Most of the time I can find something that I would consider interesting.  We have Comcast, or Xfinity if you're hip, and we have hundreds of channels.  I limit myself to strictly the HD stations.  Why?  Because we have a nice HD TV and why watch something that isn't in HD?

The Trophy and myself were watching TV the other night, it was one of those extremely rare weeks where we didn't have anything to do at all after 7 PM.  Surprisingly we were watching CNBC and only because it had a documentary on George Lucas.  This one commercial kept playing at every break and finally caught my attention.  It was a pharmaceutical informercial.  I have a weakness for these "super drug" infomercials because I LOVE hearing what the side effects may be and what complications might happen if you take this drug...remember always consult your doctor.

This guy was NOT in the infomercial.

The drug is called AndroGel 1.62% and it is a testosterone medication.  The first time I watched it I soaked in the "men" who needed more testosterone in their lives.  It cracked me up because they are doing things I never have or will ever have the chance to do like hang gliding, hiking the Rockies, wrestling alligators and having sex with Bigfoot.  From the activities I saw them doing, I don't think they needed anymore testosterone.  Of course these infomercials leave you pondering if you need this wonder drug.

The second time I saw the infomercial, I blocked the testosterone lacking men out and listened to my favorite part of the infomercials....the side effects and complications.  What I heard had me speechless and dumbfounded.  I was used to the usual side effects like projectile diarrhea, coughing uncontrollably, anal leakage, uneven tire wear, four hour erections, flaming pubic hair and spontaneous eruption into song. AndroGel 1.62% had different ones, but let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Just don't use this shit....

AndroGel (testosterone gel) 1.62% is a prescription medication used to treat adult males who have low or no testosterone.  It is not known if AndroGel 1.62% is safe of effective in children younger than 18 years old.  I didn't realize there was an issue of having no testosterone, most women complain there is too much!

WARNING

• Apply AndroGel 1.62% to your upper arms and shoulders that would be covered by a short sleeve t-shirt.  DO NOT apply to any other part of your body such as your stomach area (abdomen), penis or scrotum.  What if you wear long sleeve shirts or tank tops, you can't use this?  And what guy has ever looked at a prescription medication and thought, "Hmmm, I wonder what that would feel like on my dick and ball sack?"  Actually, I take that back, I'm sure someone has....

• Stop using AndroGel 1.62% and call your health care provider if you see any signs of puberty in a child, changes in body hair or increased acne in women that may have occurred through accidental exposure.  You're screwed if your kids are hitting puberty, look like Sasquatch or your wife has a pizza pie face.  How can you tell if there was accidental exposure?  And accidental exposure?  Is it like the gamma rays Bruce Banner came in contact with?

• Wash your hands with soap and water IMMEDIATELY after using AndroGel 1.62% and avoid touching anyone or anything.  Well now that is a predicament isn't it, no touching anything for the rest of your lives, especially your hog and nuts.

DO NOT USE IF:

• You have breast cancer or may have prostate cancer.  Prostate cancer I can understand, but breast cancer?  Can guys get breast cancer?  Does that mean we get May AND June for awareness months?

• You are pregnant, might become pregnant or are breast feeding.  Ummmm, can you lactate from moobs?  And if you might become pregnant, chances are you have estrogen flowing through your body.

• You are a woman.  Well duh....I refer back to my Shave Up or Ship Out post. 

BEFORE USING TELL YOUR HEALTH CARE PROVIDER:

All of the above plus...

• Have an enlarged prostate.  Have your doctor give you the finger!

• Have heart, kidney or liver problems.  If you have these problems, low testosterone is the least of your concerns.

• Have problems breathing when you sleep (sleep apnea).  Did you know you are dying each time you stop breathing while sleeping?  Either loose weight fatass or go get yourself one of those Darth Vader breathing masks.

• Have any other medical conditions.  Well now, they narrow that down don't they?

 And my favorite part of the informercials....

ANDROGEL 1.62% CAN CAUSE SERIOUS SIDE EFFECTS, INCLUDING:

• Enlarging of your prostate.  Man, they harp about the prostate don't they?  Go get the finger dude!

• Increased risk of prostate cancer.  Again with the prostate...but now I can get cancer from AndroGel?  Fuck that!

• May lower your sperm count.  Well, maybe this isn't so bad...it would reduce my risk of having anymore Minions.

• Swelling of your ankles, feet or body, with or without heart failure.  This may cause serious problems for people who have heart, kidney or liver disease.  If you swell up like and engorged pufferfish, you should probably contact your doctor or the local aquarium.  With or without heart failure?  There's a 50/50 chance you could die.  And again, if you have those three diseases, I think low testosterone is the least of your concerns

• Enlarged or painful breasts.  I was wondering why my man boobs jumped from an A to a B cup and shit they hurt something fierce!

• Mood swings.  And finally, this product could turn you into a female, despite being testosterone.

So what did we learn today kids?  Don't order any prescription from the TV, go to your regular doctor and tell him or her what is wrong, chances are they can figure it out without exposing you to test gamma rays.  You guinea pig.

Aside from this public service announcement, I want to remind everyone to hop on over to Dude Write, read the blogs and vote for your favorite three, of course mine being one of your favorite three.

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