Two Thongs Don't Make A Right

If you live anywhere remotely close to New England you are aware of the frozen tundra we have endured this winter.  If you are not near here, it is the new Siberia.  This winter has been brutal but there is a glimmer of hope this week.  We are supposed to reach the 40s!  Compared to the non-existent temperatures we've had, it's a freaking heat wave.  It brings thoughts of summer, warmer weather and the beach.  Who doesn't love going to the beach in the summer?

Me, that's who.

Before you click the X in the upper right corner let me explain.  I do go to the beach, it's in the Dad contract I signed when Minion #1 barreled out but just because I go doesn't mean I have to enjoy it.  There are many reasons why I don't enjoy the beach, especially New England beaches, I've been to some really nice beaches in the Caribbean and those aren't too bad but they still have the same issues.

It's fucking loud.  There's no way around it, it's a very loud environment.  Between the waves, the wind, kids screaming, the seagulls and Studley Wondermuffin blasting Pour Some Sugar on Me, it's on overload of the hearing sense.  Don't get me wrong I love me some Def Leppard but I also like to relax in a little quiet.  Turn it down asshat.

It's down right gross and nasty.  Look up, there's fucking pterodactyls flying around ready to dive bomb you and take a shit on your shoulder.  You're sitting in what essentially cats use as their toilet and the sand gets everywhere.  The sand gets into crevices that you didn't even know you had.  I'm still pulling sand out of my belly button from the last time I went to the beach.  You go into the water to "rinse" off and you come out tasting like a dry roasted peanut.  Of course, because it's an open area, people think it's perfectly fine to smoke.  Mmmmm, let me choke some of that down along with my seaweed salad.

The ocean is full of mystery and danger.  You're sitting in the litter box when the Minions want to go into the ocean.  You can't say no so reluctantly you head in.  First the water is 50 degrees in the middle of August and your testicles crawl up and sit on your shoulder giving you the "What the fuck?' look.  Your first step in you step in seaweed and get icky toes.  I despise icky toes.  You don't know whats lurking under the seaweed, there could be some crab waiting to pinch your pinky toe off.  While on land, you swear you saw a shark eating a seal, so there's that.  I've seen Jaws, I don't want to live it.  Salt is good for french fries not your body.  After gulping down several waves and feeling like someone coated you in double sided tape, you've had enough.  As you try to wade your fat ass out of the water a wave comes and knocks you over, you recover and see your bathing suit floating nearby.  The ocean is a bully and there's no place for bullies.

It puts the sand in sandwich.  I don't think I have to delve too much into this one, but it's impossible to enjoy lunch at the beach.  Sand every-fucking-where.  You might as well take your Subway and roll it in the parking lot, pour some water on it and then douse it with 1/2 gallon of salt.

You need to pack enough shit to last an overnight.  When I was younger I would go to the beach with just a towel and my bathing suit.  Simple.  Now you need to bring three Beach Buggies full of sand toys, two coolers of food, an extra change of clothes, chairs, an umbrella and don't forget the sunscreen,  It's a planning nightmare, it's easier to pack for a week at camp than it is for the beach.

Speaking of sunscreen...it doesn't matter if you have some or not, inevitably you're going to miss that one 6" X 6" spot somewhere on your body.  It could be your back, your leg or even your chest and then you burn like a the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.  True story, last year I went to the beach with the family, I slathered myself in sunscreen and promptly fell asleep in my chair (I had my iPod and ear buds in to block the noise).  Instead of waking me to flip me like a pancake, the family lets me rest.  I wake up feeling refreshed but looking like Two Face from Batman.  The right side of everything was burnt, despite the liberal amount of sunscreen I put on.  All I needed was a coin to flip.

Kids.  Way too many kids at the beach.  As you know I don't dislike kids, I have three of them (they're up for sale if you want them) but dammit, there's too many kids doing stupid things at the beach.  They run by you flicking sand all over you, they cry and scream when their sandcastle gets washed away and they fly kites.  Kite flying should be banned from beaches, the kids run along the beach dragging their Spongebob kite behind them, while the kite is bouncing back and forth hitting people and impaling them with the wooden dowels.  Once they finally get it in the air, they have no control of it, it dips and bobs and then divebombs you, eventually crashing down next to you.  It's like a game of Lawn Darts, one good hit to the cranium and you're done.

There you go, now you know why I despise the beach.  I know, I'm not fun anymore, but I blame the Minions for that.

Life's A Beach

I can't exactly contain my excitement and honestly I am not one to brag, shut up and stop laughing, I'm not, I tend to gloat more and there is a difference, but in just a few hours we are taking our first week long vacation in eight years...yes eight years.  Now let me clarify this to everyone, we've taken weekend trips, day trips and done day camps.  I have even taken a full week off from work, we just haven't gone away for a full week in eight years, which coincidentally is exactly how old Minion #1 is.

We are renting a house on Cape Cod for the week, well actually the Trophy's sister and brother-in-law are renting the house and we are invited to go down for the week and all we have to do is watch the nieces twice this summer.  There is always a catch.  If you recall, we watched them for a week in the beginning of July and we will be watching them towards Labor Day

I have made a promise to the Trophy that I will be excited and relax, which in this case isn't hard to do because I'm going to be on fucking VACATION!  We have been packing all week, servicing the Minion Mobile and getting ready to head down to the Cape.  In all reality the trip from where I live is about two hours, but you factor in traffic, twelve Minion bladder releases and the "Oh shit, we forgot to pack ____!" stop it will take closer to five hours.  But that is OK, I have decided that I will be Mr. Easy Going as of 2:00 on Saturday afternoon.

"Well gosh Kev, I've read your posts, you aren't exactly easy going."  Au contaire,  my faithful followers, I am actually rather laid back 90% 80% 50% 30% of the time and I made a deal with the Trophy...I purchased a "survival kit".

This should get me through the weekend....

You can't see them, but there are two other bottles behind the starting three.  By the way the twelve pack of Magic Hat Elder Berry is going as well.  I'm not worried about running out, there are plenty of packies on the Cape.  We have decided that we are going to "be pickled" as a friend of ours puts it.

So we are headed to a place that is surrounded by ocean and I am not beach people.  Sure I will go to the beach for a couple of hours and let the Minions splash in the surf but as for staying there for hours on end, eh not so much.  Give me a lake set in the mountains with a cabin and now you're talking.  Why I am not a beach person is simple.

It's like Where's Waldo?

It's crowded.  I am not a people person so to speak, I don't mind parties and hanging out with people, but when you are elbow to elbow with a bunch of people, get me the hell out of there.  It's the same reason I am not a fan of amusement parks.

Live it, Love it, Learn it!

I don't have a beach body.  I'm a "fluffy" guy and have the teddy bear shape to me.  Yes, I have a muffin top, yes I have moobs so I am that guy on the beach still wearing a shirt.  However, I have gotten over the fact that I look like a Wookie with the mange because there is always a guy with a thicker sweater than me. 

It's Swass Time!

It's sandy and hot.  When I get hot, I get sweaty (refer back to the Swass Meter), when I get sweaty, I get sticky, when I get sticky, sand attaches itself to parts of my body I do not want sand attached to.  There is only one thing worse than sand embedded on your grundel and that (I would imagine) is a sandy vagina...OUCH!

Yummy!

I don't like Icky Toes.  Inevitably when  you go to a beach in New England you have to cross that barrier of seaweed that collects.  After you wade through that, you have this feeling in your toes that something is sticking to them and in some cases there is shit sticking to your feet and you don't know because the water up here is a murky green and not a clear blue like you see in pictures.  I despise Icky Toes.



Well that's all I got for now, I will try to update throughout the week for those who care enough to follow me on vacation.  Now if you'll excuse me I need to cram the Minion mobile with shit we aren't going to need and go sit in traffic on I-495.

Not ours but I will take a picture when it is loaded.