Thank This...Part II

Here it is...Thanksgiving and unfortunately for me I blew my best Thanksgiving post last year, you can read about it HERE.  This year is different for us though, this is the first year in fourteen years that we will be by ourselves on Thanksgiving, just the five of us.  We've always had the New Yorkers up, my parents over or went over my parents'.  This is going to be different and probably kind of nice.

We are still having a great feast consisting of a turkey with dried bread shoved up its ass, can shaped cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, pies and more.  Just not as much as normal.  I can tell you the Trophy won't have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn and we don't have to go all OCD on a meal, so that eliminates some stress.  Since we've had plenty of time before Thanksgiving, not having to plan and rush, I've been able to think about the upcoming holiday and thus present to you my Top 10 Things I've Learned From Thanksgiving.

10.  The Macy's Thanksgiving Parade is way better in the comfort of my own home.  I despise crowds, can't stand New York and clowns scare the living shit out of me.  What's the point of driving to a smelly city (and it does smell, the Trophy did her marathon down there and told me so), parking a million miles away, walking AND standing in the frigid cold just so you can hopefully see a giant ass balloon?  I can sit on my couch, in my bathrobe and slippers and see every single balloon Macy throws at me.  Hell, I can even DVR it and watch it later if I have something to do at whatever time it comes on.

9.  Thanksgiving is the perfect chubby person holiday.  No one scolds you or gives you the "holy shit you're eating an entire pizza" look.  Nope, everyone and I mean everyone gorges themselves on Thanksgiving and if you don't you're A. lying or B. a communist.  You can graze all day long and not feel guilty.

8.  There isn't a need for a time schedule.  Thanksgiving is one of the few holidays where you don't have to do anything at a certain time.  Unless you are one of those families who travel all over having three turkey dinners, if you are...why?  You don't have to get up at a certain time, you don't have to plan going to church (if you're into that sort of thing), you don't have to do anything if you don't want.  In most cases the only thing you plan around is the football game.  The food is done when it's done and people eat when they want to eat.

7.  You don't have to decorate.  Unlike Christmas and Halloween you don't have to feel the need to string lights up or are forced to carve a pumpkin.  There's no tree to trim and you don't have to hang your Thanksgiving cards around a door frame...because people don't have to give Thanksgiving card.  Maybe a nice card to the Native Americans thanking them for showing the Pilgrims how to forage for food when the winter sucked in New England and then saying sorry for wiping them out afterwards.

6.  Everyone can celebrate Thanksgiving.  It's a non-denominational holiday, in fact the Pilgrims left England because of religion being forced down their throats...or something like that.  It doesn't matter what religion you are you can give thanks for everything you have...unless your religion worships the turkey, then you're screwed.  Most people just give thanks at the beginning of the meal and dig in.  It's perfect.

5.  I don't have to work.  And that's a good thing.  On that note though, if you have to work on Thanksgiving, DON'T, stick it to man.  Especially if you work in retail.  There is no reason anyone should go shopping tomorrow whether for gifts or if they forgot something for the meal (it comes on the fourth Thursday of November for shit's sake!).  The only places I semi-agree with being open, for a short period of time, are places like McDonald's or Dunkin' Donuts AND those places only should be open until 11:00 AM at the latest.  Those places make sense because of travel and people needing their coffee.

4.  You are not limited to just family coming over.  Thanksgiving is a holiday where everyone can come over for a great meal.  Once again, unlike Christmas, where it's mostly family who come together, friends come together.  Like the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special teaches us, Thanksgiving is friends coming together and making the best of things.

3.  Lunch is made for a week.  Even if you have a small gathering like we are this year, there are always plenty of leftovers.  Leftover turkey, stuffing, potatoes, rolls, pie...oh my god, you can eat like a king for a week.

2.  There are no gift obligations.  Christmas, Valentine's Day, even New Years, you get a gift.  Getting a gift is not just getting a gift, it's an obligation.  Once you receive the gift you need to give a gift in return.  If it's Christmas or a holiday like Valentine's Day, you need to give a gift in return.  If it's your birthday or New Years, you have the obligation of giving a return gift on their birthday or house warming party.  It's a vicious cycle and Thanksgiving doesn't have any of that bullshit.

1.  Time is precious.  Thanksgiving is the perfect holiday for spending time with loved ones.  As mentioned above, there doesn't have to be any stress and you can spend it hanging around and spending time with your friends and family.  This year that's what we are going to do, just spend time with each other.  No electronics or distractions.  In fact we are going to have an early turkey dinner and weather pending, go out as a family and go Geocaching (if you don't know what Geocaching is, it's awesome go look it up).  Time is precious and it's one of the most valuable thing you can give anyone.

So Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Thank This...

Yup, it's that time of year again, well actually it started back in October and I'm not going to go all "Holy shit, they are putting Christmas crap out on the shelves on Labor Day" on you, that's a given every year.  People need to get used to that and just stop...the...belly...aching.  Much like life after having kids, it happens and it's over.  What I am talking about is Thanksgiving.

Out of my least favorite holidays, Thanksgiving is my favorite.

***SPOILER ALERT*** I'm going to bring you down for a second...

This year is obviously going to be the worst.  For 34 years I have celebrated Thanksgiving with my parents, they have been a fixture every fourth Thursday of November either at their house or at our house.  Even last year we brought Thanksgiving Dinner to them in the rehab facility.  Now they are both gone and it's just not the same this year.  I'm sure I will get past this.

***END SPOILER ALERT***  Back to your regularly scheduled blog post...

It's amazing the amount of effort people put into Thanksgiving.  It's one day for shit's sake.  Personally I think the ideal Thanksgiving Day would be a nice quiet day where everyone gets a chance to relax, but nooooo, that's just not possible for 99.9% of the people in America.  You might be hosting like us this year...and every year the past five years.  Granted we do not have a ton of people over but we do have relatives come up on Wednesday and stay until Sunday.  It's a production in our house, the menu gets planned a month prior to the holiday and the shopping happens shortly there after, which brings me to my first point about Thanksgiving.

News flash dumbass, Thanksgiving happens the EXACT same day every year.  It's the fourth Thursday in November.  It's not like Easter and falls on whatever day the holy ones decided Jesus rose.  The fourth Thursday of every November...period.  Why the hell are you going to the grocery store 24 hours before?  You risk getting trampled, mauled or even killed at this point.  I have an agreement with The Trophy that I will not go into a grocery store the entire week of Thanksgiving.  If I have to be thankful for something this time of year, it's that The Trophy doesn't wait until the last minute to get her shit for the meal and that leads me to my next point.

What is with the Month of Thanks lists that are popping up everywhere?  I have seen friends on Fakebook doing a status everyday (or almost everyday, I guess no one is perfect), bloggers are doing a blog post a day about what they are thankful for and there are even Twats about what people are thankful for.  This leads me to believe that these people are only thankful for things during the month of November.  Shouldn't you be thankful for things in your life the other 335 days of the year instead of telling everyone that will listen that you are thankful on day 21 you are thankful for Stove Top Stuffing so that you can easily make your meal easier.

Speaking of stuffing...who decided that you should shove stuffing in the ass of a turkey?  What person killed a turkey, ripped the guts out of it and said, "Hey you know what would be good?  Let's shove croutons up it's ass!"  We have a 25 pound turkey this year, do you know how much stuffing we are going to need for that beast?  We should stuff it with a comforter for Christ's sake.  When the pop up timer goes off it's going to take off like a missile.  Who makes those things they stick in a turkey and do they have to work on Thanksgiving?

Oh that reminds me, the people that are complaining about places being open on Thanksgiving, shut the hell up.  It kills me that the ones complaining are the ones who have the day off.  Did anyone stop and think that the McDonald's employee or Dunkin Donuts employee actually wants to work that day?  They usually get paid twice their hourly salary plus some sort of bonus and maybe, just maybe they want to get away from their family?    No one complains that the high schools play football on Thanksgiving, the kids are working, there are people working the concessions and the coaches are on the job and don't forget the professional football games happening.

When did Thanksgiving turn into a typical Sunday during football season anyway?  People drink themselves silly, watch every frickin' football game on TV and argue with their families.  Now I wasn't there but I'm pretty sure the Pilgrims didn't have the first Thanksgiving and declare that this will be the day where everyone gets obliterated, fights with each other and watches a sporting event.  Then again, from what I was told they didn't even have what we consider the "traditional" Thanksgiving food.  They ate seafood, raw vegetables, dry bread and water.  Yum.  Falling Rock, please pass the crab claw and maze please.

To those people out there who think Thanksgiving should be changed (much like every other holiday) because it supposedly represents the decimation of Native Americans...stick a wish bone in it, why now?  Oh that's right, it's hip and cool to jump on some sort of anit-whatever band wagon.  Most people celebrate Thanksgiving because of what they have not because of something that happened four hundred years ago.

Spend the day doing what you want and try to be thankful for everything you have and with that I wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving...except PETA...PETA can go fuck themselves in the tofu farting vegan ass.