Somebody Open A Window - I Smell Testosterone!

Welcome to a very special guest post AND the link up to the I Don't Like Mondays blog hop.  The guest post is from none other than The Trophy.  After a few requests and needs for wanting to get to know The Trophy and how she deals with the Minions and myself, she has agreed to do a guest post.  Also on top of this plethora of excitement, this is also my 200th post!  Enjoy!

My illustrious husband wanted me to write a blog about living in a house full of males. In a word, it stinks! No I really mean it. It STINKS! Now just to clarify, I grew up in a house with 6 brothers and 6 sisters (yes that's 13 total and yes we are all full biological brothers and sisters). I'm #10 and the last girl. We also had almost every farm animal you can think of at some point in my life (happily not all at the same time), so I'm not a stranger to smells. But being as I haven't lived in the house I grew up in in over 15 years, the current odors that have taken up residence in my home are not something that I've gotten used to (nor, I think, will I ever).

Part of the problem is that it's snuck up on me over the last 10 years. Now Kevin has never been anything close to being shy about his bodily functions. We had been dating less than two weeks when he first "blew up" my bathroom and has always been inordinately proud of his prowess at (of all things) farting. The joy he gets from gagging everyone within a five-mile radius is downright criminal!

The Minions (coming one at a time) have all taken after the Fart Master and now (3 boys later), I've looked into buying stock in Febreeze and Yankee Candle. The two elder Minions, being on the same school schedule and both refusing to crap in a public bathroom, are often blowing up BOTH toilets at the same time after returning home from school. This alone would not be a problem, but neither of them have yet figured out how to turn the fan on BEFORE they sit down to do their business and, just to add to the problem,the spray that sits conspicuously next to the toilet is apparently, to them, just a decoration. Combined, the grey cloud that escapes once they're done is enough to chase a skunk out of the house.

Number three, not to be outdone, is heard exclaiming, "Mommy, I'm done!!", on an average of three times a day. Not wanting to redecorate the bathroom and bathe him an equal number of times in a day, this translate to, "Mommy, wipe my butt!!" The only upside to this is that he is at least potty trained. The diaper situation was out of control this time last year. He also seems to be on a mission to empty every can of Febreeze that I have stock-piled, trying to make up for what the others DON'T use.

In addition to these recurrent clouds emanating from the various rooms of my house, Minion #1 has entered the preteen phase of his life. The showering problem (for more details read Kevin's blog CSI: Bathroom) being satisfactorily resolved for the moment, the most current development must have something to do with the males of the species showing off for the females. Me being the only female in the house, means that I am REQUIRED to have a front row seat. Now, keep in mind that I have been assured by every single one of his teachers, that #1 is "brilliant". The game he has taken to playing with Kevin usually plays out as follows...

"Alpha-Male, let's play lightsabers!"

"Ok, Boy Genius, just let me strategically place myself as close to Mommy as possible so she is the one to get hurt, urr I mean so she can see that I'm still the alpha-male."

"Cool! I'm going to keep attacking you even if you hurt me. I won't stop until you've got me crying."

"Only if you agree to follow Mommy anywhere she goes. This game is only fun if she can observe us and be within striking distance! Collateral damage adds an extra element of fun, don't you think?"

And so begins a sort of slow-motion game of tag. They beat on each other, all in "fun", while I go from room to room trying to escape from them. As stated by the "rules", they don't stop until someone is hurt and crying. This being a weekly occurrence, you would think that the Boy Genius would stop instigating and/or the Alpha-Male would learn his own strength, but sadly no. That apparently is not part of this particular male-bonding experience. The times that I've suggested this to them, they've both given me looks as if to say, "Mommy, you dear, sweet woman, what then would be the point of playing?" The odor that  lingers after all hostilities have ceased smells like sweat and, dare I say it, testosterone.

As this game is, as I said, a regular occurrence AND as Minions 2 and 3 are seen to be participating from time to time, I can only expect this male-bonding experience to expand in the coming years to something bordering on open warfare. I can only imagine the cloud of testosterone that will mushroom over our once peaceful home as the minions mature into Alpha-Males in their own right.

So if you ever drive by our house in the middle of winter and all the doors and windows are open, don't be alarmed. It's only me, trying to air out the odors that are produced in my 80% male household.  I ask only this; say a prayer for my sanity...and maybe send a can of Febreeze.

The Rubber Chicken Incident

This blog post is my entry into a special edition of Dude Write where we are asked to write a story with less than 1500 characters, so between 200-300 words.  Here is my story about the Rubber Chicken Incident. 

I was kicked out of the Holyoke Mall when I was a teenager.  I didn’t steal, I didn’t deface property and I didn’t even beat anyone up.  I bought a rubber chicken.

It wasn’t THAT I bought a rubber chicken; it’s how I USED the rubber chicken.  I wasn’t alone on this adventure either, I had two of my closest friends there with me.  Deraj and Nala also bought rubber chickens and Deraj thought it would be a great idea to drop said chickens from the third floor into the food court.

The plan was fantastic, Deraj went to the food court to catch the chickens and Nala and I headed topside to drop the chickens.  We were in place and felt like Jay and Silent Bob in Mallrats, I of course was Silent Bob.  We looked left and right, the coast was clear.

Bombs away!

The rubber chickens plummeted three stories into a dusty fake plant.  We never got a chance to high five however, the mall cops were on us.  They escorted us into their tiny mall cop office and sat us down.  They brought in exhibit A and B, AKA the rubber chickens.  When asked why we did it, we didn’t have an answer.  They took mug shots of us, issued us papers saying we were banned from the mall for 90 day and confiscated our chickens.

While being escorted out of the mall, we realized that Deraj got away scott free and was laughing at us when we got back to the car.  The moral is choke the chicken, don’t drop it.

 

Dad, Husband, Cubmaster...Author?

I have been having a rough month or so between work and stress so I attempted to take a short hiatus from blogging to regroup and refresh my brain for the A to Z Challenge that lays ahead of me in just over a week.  Well the hiatus lasted about three days thanks to Mod Mom At IndieDom who broke me out my hiatus, then there were a couple of awards and of course Wordless Wednesday (which is easy by the way).  So in a nutshell my hiatus lasted less than 72 hours.

As I was watching TV last night, Duck Dynasty by the way is an awesome show, I received an email.  I had to read this email several times to make sure it was sent to the right person and to my surprise it was.  I didn't want to jump the gun last night so I teased a little on Facebook and Twitter about big news.  Well it is big news, at least for me...you see there is this site called Life Well Blogged and they have three published e-books (all of which have cracked the top 10 on Amazon's Best Sellers in Parenting).  I was prompted to submit a story and I did a few months back.  I didn't think anything of it until the email...

I'm going to be published in Life Well Blogged's fourth book!  I will repeat that...in bigger letters...I'm going to be in the next Life Well Blogged book, complete with a bio!  Holy crap on a cracker!  The last time I was this excited was all you can eat wing night at the Hangar and that was a messy night.

Not only am I going to be published in the book but I get to be part of a charity that helps Autism because the book is getting released on April 2, 2013, which is World Awareness Autismday.  A portion of the proceeds go to Autism Speaks, which is pretty awesome.

On top of that, once the book is released I will have a chance to give away five copies to my faithful followers, so that means I get to figure out a cool giveaway/promotion idea.  Hmmmmmmm, the wheels are turning.

So there you have it, my big news, yours truly is going to be a freaking published author!  Maybe this whole blog thing is working out after all.

Wordless Wednesday #3: Let The Wookie Win

Well Since I'm Here...

...I might as well write another post.  Awards, we all give them, we all get them.  It's a vicious cycle.  I can remember the first time I read the comment on on of my blog posts telling me to swing by and pick up me award, the Liebster Award.  I literally shit my pants for two reasons:

1.  Someone gave me an award for my pitiful blog.
2.  I was sick so I shit my pants when I coughed.

My first Liebster Award given to me by Blondie McBaffled (who by he way if you're reading this...get back to fucking writing your blog).  It was an honor.  Then I started getting more awards and quickly realized that these are like the buttons you used to give to your "friends" on Fakebook.  Sure I accepted them and even played along when the award givers started to get demanding by telling us to answer eleven questions or give them 25 unknown facts about yourself.  It got old...quick, and I'm not alone with this thought process either there are several bloggers out there who like the awards but can't stand doing the work.  What I ask is, keep it simple.  I am really glad you gave me the award, really I do love me the awards (I'm sorta self centered that way), I love showing them off (even if they're pink and all flowery), I love giving them to other bloggers (especially Working Dan) and please keep them coming if you feel that I deserve the honors.

With that said, I had two bloggers last week drop awards down on me...and yes they have the stipulations that go along with them.  I read the posts that they did and I am going to play along this time for two simple reasons:

1.  I shit my pants. Blog #1 had some great questions to answer
2.  Blog #2 is someone I don't follow, yet she follows me.

The first award is from Michael G. DAgostino who lives, I think in Australia and writes the blog The World As I See It.  He has been in Dude Write challenges and something really cool is he is a stand up comic (my secret dream).  He gave me another Leibster Award.  I shall obey the rules on this one because the questions are good and well, he's a stand up comic.

The other blogger who gave me the same award is D. Marie Michael...wait it sounds too much like Michael G. DAgonstino, something smells fishy but I will play along.  D. Marie writes the Lessons on the Cheap blog and is someone who I am ashamed to say, have never read her blog.  I think it's awesome that this is the first time someone who I don't follow has given me an award, plus unlike Michael, D., Marie actually had the award in her blog to copy and paste.

The rules, like every other time are as follows:

1. Post 11 random facts about yourself.  (Ugh, fine, I'll do it again but only once, you both have to share my random facts and they are being changed for my amusement)
2. Answer the 11 questions the award giver has asked (this I will do for both)
3. Tag 11 other bloggers with less than 200 followers, no tag backs (If you want it, just take it)

 11 Random Star Wars Facts About Me

1. I do not believe Jar Jar Binks ruined the franchise.
2. I do think the Original Trilogy is much better than the Prequels.
3. I feel anyone who butchers the Saga by skipping movies is not a true Star Wars fan, watching in a different order, sure, but you can't leave a movie out.
4. I don't think George Lucas sold out to Disney, I think it was a smart move and Disney will do a great job with the upcoming films.  
5. I feel R2-D2 is the unsung hero in all of the movies.  From the first space repair to the Ewok celebration, Artoo was there.
6. I own a full copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special, complete with commercials.
7. I can watch the Original Trilogy four different ways, unedited VHS, digitally remastered VHS, DVD and Blu-Ray.
8.  Like Jar Jar, the Ewoks did not ruin the RotJ.
9. Three out of five of my tattoos are Star Wars related and I am in negotiations for two more.
10. Minion #2 was secretly named after a Star Wars character, despite what the Trophy says.
11. I embrace the changes Lucas did to movies, if you want to relive your childhood, purchase them in the unedited formats.

OK, time to answer the questions, first up will be Michael's questions:

1. What kind of creature is Grimace? (The McDonalds mascot) Well Grimace is obviously some sort of mutated version of a Hutt.
2. Who's your favourite non-rock or pop musical artist? (I think that leaves Jazz, Blues, Country, Reggae, Trance, most Rap/Hip Hop and Dubstep) Digging deep in this one, Hank William Jr.
3. What's your favourite variety of cheese? Extra sharp cheddar.
4. Have you ever mimiced the Gangnam Style Dance?  What the fajita is Gangnam?  Isn't that a card game like Pokemon?
5. Who's selling sea shells by the sea shore? They never mention who she is.  Shelly of course.
6. When was the last time you went for a pap smear/prostate exam?  I had the two finger poke three years ago, but it wasn't a prostate exam...and yes it was by a doctor.
7. Don't you think it's time?  I totally agree it's time, preach on brotha!
8. What's your favourite Star Wars, Godfather and Indiana Jones film?  Star Wars:  Empire Strikes Back, Godfather:  Honestly, I've only watch them once, Indiana Jones:  Raiders of the Lost Ark
9. How many songs are there on your mp3 player or phone?  Over 3,000 on my iPod.
10. Do you/have you ever talked about religion or politics with strangers?  There are two topics I actively avoid and it's politics and religion.
11. Which of the Avengers is the hottest?  This question is the real reason I decided to answer questions.  What a fantastic question, how do you answer this though?  Do you need to go back to the 60s and start from there or strictly stick to the modern day Avengers?  If it's overall I would need to go with the Wasp, since she has been around since the beginning, she's spunky and of course, like all of the female heroes, well drawn.  If it's modern Avengers, Black Widow...Scarlett Johansson's Black Widow.

And now for Marie's questions:

1.    In 5 words or less, why do you blog?  Therapy and I enjoy it.
2.    Are you a spend-thrift or a cheapskape?  Spend-thrift.
3.    I follow your blog, do you follow mine?  :-)  I hang my head in shame, I do not follow your blog, but now I will :-)
4.    Most productive time of day to blog?  Lunchtime break.
5.    Do you want to have a big money-making blog one day?  Actually no.  I want to go viral and get noticed by some people.
6.    What is your favorite comfort food?  Chinese food.
7.    Do you have a piggy bank and where do you hide it?  Ha ha just kidding I need money to have a piggy bank.
8.    Do you have a garden?  We do now...see my last post.
9.    Are you one of those preppers?????? Hell no, if it happens it happens.
10.  Just how cheap are you? On a scale of 1-10....I would say a 6.
11.  What color are your eyes?  I'm so full of shit, they're brown.

There you go, I thank you for the Liebster Awards and I have answered my questions.  See?  I can play well with others.

Screw The Hiatus

OK, so I announced a small hiatus last week and a few people thought I was already on one.  What the hell people?  March is always a tough month for motivation and throw in that pesky real life, it sucks, not to mention that real life has been blog blocking me too.  The Minions are not producing their normal antics, people watching is fruitless and the news is already being covered by everyone else and to be honest, I am saving myself for the A to Z Challenge which starts in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, there are some updates to share with you my faithful readers and one really big disappointment that prompted me out of my hiatus, plus I wanted to hook up with Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom...wait that sounded bad...what I meant was I wanted to hook up to her I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop.

Let's begin shall we?

I came home from work one evening to find the Trophy planting little seeds in little dirt pits in our kitchen.  I stopped and stared for a moment and then asked, "What's going on?"  The Trophy has decided that we are spending too much money at the grocery store on food so she decided to buy seeds and starter kits.  This is the same woman who can kill a cactus.  Well a week later we have sprouts and a plan to build a garden in our yard.  On the brighter side this means I will have less yard to mow.

Inch by inch, row by row....

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day and I am not Irish at all, so I use it as an excuse to drink and eat a shitload of corned beef.  Each year the Trophy makes an awesome, yet simple, corned beef and cabbage dinner for St. Patrick's Day.  She puts the beef into the crockpot followed by the potatoes and carrots and lets it cook all day long.  The juices from the corned beef get into the potatoes and she uses the juice to boil the cabbage.  All this hard work and she forgets one thing, after eating this meal I can destroy a small nation with my farts.  Add #3 into the mix and we could conquer the world.  I apologize to everyone who I encounter today in advance.

What REALLY prompted me to break my hiatus was the devastating news that Mod Mom Tweeted at me this morning.

I've been doing a review of the pile of shit that is 50 Shades of Grey in secret (not anymore) hopes that Emma Watson would play Steeley in the movie and now I get this Tweet crushing my dreams?  Sons a bitches! By the way you can catch up on my review HERE.  

Dude, I don't care what you say, Emma Watson would make a good Steeley in the movie but Mod Mom went further with a reply Tweet...

Wait...you mean...maybe, just maybe, Emma Watson has been reading my reviews or at least the studios are reading my blog?  Holy fucking shit, that would be cool.  But that is just a dream probably.  I wonder who my most famous reader is (besides the Six Fingered Monkey).

So that is why I am linking up to the I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop, the devastating news the Hermione Granger is denying being in the movie.

Wordless Wednesday #2: Heroes

I Bet You Can't...

This is my I Don't Like Mondays blog post, for which I am grateful to Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom for giving everyone a nice pulpit to bitch and complain...not that I needed another avenue to rant about something.

Many of you know that I use Facebook, along with 99.99% of the world's population (hell even homeless people use Facebook) and that there are some things the bug the shit out of me when it comes to, what we've affectionately called Fakebook.  The latest thing that has been bugging the ever living shit out of me are these ri-fucking-diculous "I bet you can't name a _______ that doesn't have the letter _______ in it.  It's REALLY tough (winky face emoticon).  Good luck!

This is one a fellow blogger had the sack to post on my wall.

Are you fucking serious?  What have we become as a race?  Even Minion #2 who is in Kindergarten can do this and these are being posted by adults? Adults who more than likely have graduated from a facility of higher learning.  These are not cute, they are not funny, they make humans look dumber than a box of wombat shit.  I can guarantee that an alien race is watching this and their high council has declared that the humans have become dumb enough and the time is right to begin the assault.

It's not just states either, there are fish ones too.  Name a fish that does not have the letter A in it.  That's stupid, dolphin doesn't have a letter A in it....

**and for those who thought I was serious on the dolphin thing...lighten up Francis, it was a closing joke.

It All Started In The Kitchen

Maybe because it's February in New England, maybe it' because we have been buried under a three foot blanket of snow or maybe it's the fact that I need a vacation but things have been bugging the shit out of me a lot lately.  Take the other morning for example...

I woke up for work like I always do and did my morning ritual in the bathroom, you can read about it HERE.  After I got dressed I headed into the kitchen like I always do and it hit me, there are a ton things that I encounter on a regular basis in there that bug the ever living shit out of me and I'm not talking the normal dishes in the sink or the last drop in the ice tea container types of things either.

What the hell is with the white crusty shit that falls off the neck of the milk jug?  Does that crap drive anyone else nuts or just me?  We buy our milk in plastic gallons (we really should invest in a cow the way the Minions drink it) and every single one of them have this flaky, crusty white shit that builds up under the cap on the neck of the jug.  When you take the cap off the shit falls on the counter or into your cup.  While we're talking about crunchy crap...

I despise crunchy crap in my bread.  This has been a peeve of mine for years and don't get me wrong, I enjoy bread, in fact, I love bread but what I can't stand is when people put nuts and twigs and shit in it.  No, no, fucking no.  Leave the crunch to crust of the bread and keep the inside nice and soft.  It's like eating your eggs and finding an egg shell in them, it just sets me off. 

Why bother putting the asses on the bread?  No one eats them and they sit in your bread box until you have a science experiment with them.  There's two of them in each package too!  Everyone opens the bread, fondles the end piece like a cheap hooker and grabs the regular slices of bread and then when the superior slices are gone the last end sits in the plastic bag like an old person in a nursing home, everyone pretends not to see them and there it waits to die.

I have lots more to complain about but I wouldn't have anything left over for future blog posts!  Thanks to Lori for inviting me to the Pity Party!