A To Z Challenge: 50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up: Chapter 8

Today is the letter F in the A to Z Challenge and what better thing to do than my review of 50 Shades, chapter 8.  I know some of you have just started following my blog thanks to the A to Z Challenge so let me catch you up.

A while ago I was tasked with reading 50 Shades of Grey by some readers to get a male and Dad's perspective on the porn.  Well I am not an avid reader so I said I would tackle it chapter by chapter and give my review of each after I have read them.  At the end of each post I grade them using the handcuff system (which you'll see at the end of this post).  But, before I give you my review of chapter 8, head over HERE to catch up on my reviews of chapters 1-7, most people have said they would rather read my synopsis instead of the book pornographic novel.

I heard some disturbing news before I read this chapter thanks to Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom that Emma Watson completely denied being in the possible movie.  All this time I was thinking that Hermione Granger would be playing Steeley in the big screen *ahem* production but upon looking at her Twitter account...well here, look for yourself...

Oh well, life goes on...but I hear the chick who played Luna Lovegood might be available.

Anyway, chapter 8.  SEX!  It took eight fucking chapters for any sex to happen other than the implied girl on girl action between Steeley and Double K and the occasional possibility of Steeley taking care of business hands on in the shower.  Eight chapters!  When you watch a porn it only takes about five minutes to show some action, get with the program.  

So when we late left Steeley and the Grey Man, he had just found out that Steeley was the virgin Mary and had never been touched (I can't use the term deflowered slut tunnel in this post..oh wait, I just did).  He is distraught, upset, freaked out and pissed off about this because it could possibly ruin his torture routine with Steeley.  Really?  That's what he is worried about, what about the fact that you just divulged an medieval chamber that has more fucked up devices than, well, an an actual dungeon from medieval times and she has all sorts of incriminating evidence against you, you sick disturbed sex offender?

In this chapter there are a few words that are used like somnambulant that no one has ever used in their lives, let alone know what it means...I mean I am typing this in Google Chrome and it put the squiggly red line under it, even the internet doesn't have a clue what it means.  Stick to the modern English language please.  So Steeley explains why she is still pure as the driven snow and wonders to herself "and you turn out to be some sort of monster."  No shit Sherlock, I've read about actual monsters who are less freakish than this guy, even the Hulk has a caring side to him.

After a little banter about her virginity, he decided to "rectify the situation".  What the fajita?  He stole one of my catch phrases!  I think there are spies looking at my blog and taking material out of it, but I digress.  Steeley tells us that he gives her a wicked grin that the effects travel all the way down there...down where?  China?  Australia?  Your toes?  Just say it for shit's sake, your pussy.  Stop trying to hide the fact that you've written a porn script that hasn't been produced yet.

OK, I know women need visualization but describing every detail about the Grey Man's bedroom is over the top, I mean the author could have said that he brought her to the back alley, behind a dumpster and you guys would be all moist in the nether regions with this book.  Then there is Steeley's fascination with his feet, it's only one sentence but I have an inkling that we will be hearing more about the Grey Man's feet later.

For about four pages there is what the author passes off as foreplay, I'm not going to get into details but one part strikes me as odd.  Through the last seven chapters the author insinuates that Steeley is taking care of business but then the Grey Man straight up asks her to "How do you make yourself come?  I want to see."  She says she doesn't...I call bullshit on this one Steeley.

So there is another two to three pages of "foreplay" and then the do the deed.  Steeley is deflowered, blood everywhere and in pain...I'm not exaggerating there, the author goes into detail about it...gross.  AND of course, the author adds in every woman's fantasy, a guy going more than once in the span of an hour.  Holy high expectations Batman!  I wonder how many relationships have been ruined because the women want the man to gear up for round two in ten minutes?  One phrase cracked me up during the sex scenes, "You're so tight, are you OK?"  Seriously?  Dude, you're the first penis, let alone item that has been in there and you wonder why she's tight?  What women have you been sleeping with?  "Oh look there's my BMW."

So after the long, drawn out description of Steeley's first time, she wakes up and wanders out to the living room where the Grey Man is playing the piano in nothing but sleep pants.  Holy crap!  Even the Grey Man wears sleep pants, does he wear them out in public too?  So after reading chapter eight we finally have proof that the Grey Man is psychotic and bipolar...just saying.

Imagination Factor

I gave two cuffs for this chapter on the imagination, she really didn't leave much to the imagination what with the blood everywhere and description of his room, give me something to imagine please.

Wishful Thinking Factor

I gave four cuffs for wishful thinking, I wanted to give five but I know there are guys out there who make average guys look bad by being freaks of nature in the sack.

Visualization Factor

Five cuffs for this one, the author didn't hold anything back especially about the deflowering, does anyone think that is sexy?

Pornographic Factor

The aspect got three cuffs, bordering on four.  There was sex but not exactly porn style sex.  I have been told that the following chapters will be more pornographic.

High Expectation Factor

Five cuffs...and we all know why...you damn freaks of nature.

I don't know, I still say there is hope for Emma to appear in the move.  Emma or your agents, if you're reading this....hi!

Screw The Hiatus

OK, so I announced a small hiatus last week and a few people thought I was already on one.  What the hell people?  March is always a tough month for motivation and throw in that pesky real life, it sucks, not to mention that real life has been blog blocking me too.  The Minions are not producing their normal antics, people watching is fruitless and the news is already being covered by everyone else and to be honest, I am saving myself for the A to Z Challenge which starts in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, there are some updates to share with you my faithful readers and one really big disappointment that prompted me out of my hiatus, plus I wanted to hook up with Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom...wait that sounded bad...what I meant was I wanted to hook up to her I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop.

Let's begin shall we?

I came home from work one evening to find the Trophy planting little seeds in little dirt pits in our kitchen.  I stopped and stared for a moment and then asked, "What's going on?"  The Trophy has decided that we are spending too much money at the grocery store on food so she decided to buy seeds and starter kits.  This is the same woman who can kill a cactus.  Well a week later we have sprouts and a plan to build a garden in our yard.  On the brighter side this means I will have less yard to mow.

Inch by inch, row by row....

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day and I am not Irish at all, so I use it as an excuse to drink and eat a shitload of corned beef.  Each year the Trophy makes an awesome, yet simple, corned beef and cabbage dinner for St. Patrick's Day.  She puts the beef into the crockpot followed by the potatoes and carrots and lets it cook all day long.  The juices from the corned beef get into the potatoes and she uses the juice to boil the cabbage.  All this hard work and she forgets one thing, after eating this meal I can destroy a small nation with my farts.  Add #3 into the mix and we could conquer the world.  I apologize to everyone who I encounter today in advance.

What REALLY prompted me to break my hiatus was the devastating news that Mod Mom Tweeted at me this morning.

I've been doing a review of the pile of shit that is 50 Shades of Grey in secret (not anymore) hopes that Emma Watson would play Steeley in the movie and now I get this Tweet crushing my dreams?  Sons a bitches! By the way you can catch up on my review HERE.  

Dude, I don't care what you say, Emma Watson would make a good Steeley in the movie but Mod Mom went further with a reply Tweet...

Wait...you mean...maybe, just maybe, Emma Watson has been reading my reviews or at least the studios are reading my blog?  Holy fucking shit, that would be cool.  But that is just a dream probably.  I wonder who my most famous reader is (besides the Six Fingered Monkey).

So that is why I am linking up to the I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop, the devastating news the Hermione Granger is denying being in the movie.

50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up: Chapter 7

Oh Wonka, how do you read my mind?  I know I am well behind in the game and many, MANY women have read 50 Shades of Grey...multiple times and I have one simple question...how the fuck can you read this shit?  I have just finished chapter seven and the "room" has been revealed.  Are there that many women out there who want to have this happen?

Always look on the bright side..

The door opens in the Grey Man's illustrious "apartment" and the room of fucked-upness is shown to Steeley.  The author, who at this point in the book, we all know to be messed in the head, describes the room with more detail than Steeley.  The "pleasant" smell of leather, wood and polish...pleasant for who?  A stable hand or a BDSM master?  Either way, run..run away!  She describes a large wooden cross with all sorts of bindings on it.  If I recall correctly, the last time someone was forced onto a cross and bound there, it didn't work out so well until three days later.  Unless she is the second coming of Christ ...walk...the..fuck...away.

The few things she is "startled" by are the paddles, whips, riding crops and "funny-looking" feathery implements.  These startled her?  Not the cross or the iron grid hanging from the ceiling?  Are those things normal in Seattle or Oregon, wherever the fuck she's from, I forget now. She notices carabiners hanging all over the ceiling and wonders what they are for..duh..they probably have something to do with the metal grate bolted to the roof, is she really that naive?  As she is looking around the room she notes that is kind of soft and romantic...soft and romantic?  If you use the word oxblood in the same sentence as romantic, somethings wrong with you.

"Would you like to go to a nice romantic dinner?  I heard about this place called Oxblood's."

Steeley is intrigued by the "feathery thing" and the Grey Man tells her it's a flogger.  A flogger?  Isn't that what pirates did to insubordinate sailors?  Arrrgh my Steeley, I'm going to beat your ass.  Shouldn't this guy be on some sort of sex offender list?  I mean with all the warning signs that have been revealed, he has to be on at least one of them out there, some small town in Idaho or Wyoming.  Reading this I'm waiting for Chris Hansen to pop out and tell the Grey Man to "have a seat right over there".


Out of all the implements of destruction positioned around the room, she is "depressed" to know that he likes to hurt women...depressed?  If I were her I would be scared shitless of this would be rapist.  He tells her that he has rules that she must follow, for her benefit and his pleasure.  Steeley will be rewarded if she follows them satisfactorily and punished if she doesn't.  How many more warnings do you need before you look at him and say, "This is where you and I end." and bolt for the door?

One thing I have noticed while reading this book is that he is constantly telling her to eat.  What is he doing fattening her up for slaughter?  Stick a metal rod up her ass and roast her over a fire?  Probably...this guy is a bag full of cats, you can smell crazy on him.  As if the "subtle" hints didn't set off the red flags, he tells her "I will punish you when you require it and it will be painful."  Hmmm let me think here, kick him in the nuts and run dumbass!  As mentioned before there are the rules:

• Obedience - She must obey everything he tells her to do.
• Food - She must eat three squares and NO snacks.
• Clothes - She will wear what he wants her to wear.
• Exercise - She must work out four times a week for an hour at a time.
• Personal Hygiene/Beauty - She will be saved/waxed and visit a beauty salon as he tells her to.
• Personal Safety - She will not drink excessively, smoke, take recreational drugs.
• Personal Qualities - She will only fuck him.

Failure to comply with any of the above will result in immediate punishment, the nature of which shall be determined by the Dominant. 
  

Stay away from me you freak!  I still can't picture her as Steeley.

Steeley took the words out of my mouth, "Holy fuck."  There was a group in the past who had rules like these, they were called Nazis and I'm pretty sure Captain America kicked their asses.  So after looking at these rules, Steeley's first concern was accepting money for clothes, it made her feel like a "ho".  First...THAT'S your primary concern about these rules?  Second, obviously she has never watched Pretty Woman, it worked out for Julia Roberts.  On top of the rule there are "Hard Limits", whatever that means...

• No acts involving fire play.  (But beating the shit out of a woman is kosher?  Got it.)
• No acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof.  (Whew, thank God for that, at least he has limits....sort of.)
• No acts involving needles, knives, piercing or blood.  (But waxing everything is fine?)
• No acts involving gynecological medical instruments.  (But whips, chains and floggers are acceptable?)
• No acts involving children or animals.  (Yes, this would have made him out as sex offender...)
• No acts that will leave any permanent marks on the skin.  (Um, if hit hard enough, scars can occur..)
• No acts involving breath control.  (Again drawing the line somewhere....)
• No activity that involves the direct contact of electric current, whether alternating or direct.  (Really?  You have to specify AC/DC?)

Steeley says that any sane person wouldn't agree to do those things.  What the fajita?  But shoving a broom stick up your butt and that's cool?  The Grey Man asks if there is anything she won't do and...ready for this?...she tells him she is a virgin!  (Cue the dramatic music)  Who saw that coming?  (No pun intended)

Imagination Factor

I gave the imagination factor four cuffs in this chapter, the author's imagination skyrocketed with her idea of romantic fun...yeah whips and chains excite her I guess.

Wishful Thinking Factor

Also four cuffs for the wishful thinking factor.  It's wishful thinking to think that there are billionaire rapists running around with medieval torture devices in a specially built room.

Visualization Factor

Up until this chapter the visualization of most everything was bland, except for the Grey Man so I give this chapter five cuffs.  The room of fucked upness was described to the last bead on the feather flogger...if I was married to this woman, I would be scared to close my eyes at night.

Pornographic Factor

I gave the pornographic factor two cuffs.  There was too much detail and description and not enough banging.  Normally it would have been one cuff but the way the chapter left off it was the making of a bad porn.

High Expectation Factor

I gave the high expectation factor three cuffs.  It's not out of the realm of possibilities to find a closet sex offender/borderline rapist but for one to be Bruce Wayne rich and have a room built just for that, not so much.

50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up: Chapter 6

Ugh...do I really have to continue this? Do I?  Yes I do...it has been demanded that I do this so, for the sake of my readers I will plug on and I figure if I do a chapter a week, I should be done relatively soon...I hope.  So without further ado, chapter six of 50 Shades from a dude's point of view.

Again...this book fucking blows.  Chapter six and the only thing remotely close to sex is a kiss between Steeley and The Grey Man, well that and Steeley's self contained orgasms that she has anytime she thinks of The Grey Man.

Vroom, vroom...bitch.

So the chapter starts off with Steeley getting into what she calls a "beast of a car" which in fact is an Audi SUV...they are not giant vehicles.  Some music comes on and Steeley dampens her panties...again.  The Grey Man proceeds to tell her that his music is eclectic, ranging from Thomas Tallis (who the fuck is Thomas Tallis?) to Kings of Leon....really?  That's eclectic?  No you stupid overly handsome stalker, eclectic is everything from Bach to Megadeth, Brittany Spears to Hank Williams Sr..  Veggie Tales to AC/DC.  If Steeley wants eclectic, go find some musician, you're in Seattle for shit sake!

So, dickhead is driving Steeley home and she suddenly comes to reality that he has never inquired where she lives, yet he knows...well duh, he sent you the $14,000 worth of books and tracked your cell phone dummy, he's like a psychotic James Bond.  She keeps pining for a kiss from him but he holds his ground and does not give in.  I bet she has monkey shit breath, most hippies who live in the Northwest only eat beans, sprouts and shit like that.

They get to the apartment and he walks her up and picks up his brother Elliot....Elliot?  Did I already go off on this name?  The last time I heard the name Elliot was back in the 80's and E.T. fixed his ouch.  Well it comes to light that Steeley's roommate Double K is a certified whore, she loooooves the cock.  Again the best description was about Double K and her J.B.F. hair (I learned that last week during Theme Thursday, it means Just Been Fucked).  I think this author is a closet lesbian, more description on the females, especially Double K.

Double K interrogates Steeley again about if he doinked The Grey Man and Steeley, obviously stressed from not getting the Grey Sausage, snaps at Double K and tells her that she wants her instead...no not really, but at this point it should have happened.  She tells Double K that she is going to Seattle with The Grey Man and immediately they go all slumber party and Steeley gets plucked, shaved, waxed and creamed (which is what she is hoping The Grey Man will do to her...)  So wait...Double K just shaved Steeley?  And you tell me these two have done NOTHING while going to college and living together?  I call bullshit on that one.

The Grey Man picks Steeley up and they fly off in his helicopter..of course, he's a billionaire, why not?  It happens all the time to the normal college student.  Inside the helicopter, he gets all weird and freaky by telling her that he likes the harness on her...dude!  get the fuck out now!  We have a rapist alert going off!  While in the helicopter she has her umpteenth internal orgasm by fantasizing about his stubble.  Really?  I don't shave for a few days and I look like I have the mange.

By the power of Grayskull

The author throws in a couple of stupid references like Dark Knight and White Knight (Batman anyone?) and Blade Runner (where did that come from?) and they get to his tower and naturally it's like this 8,000 square foot, Tony Stark elaborate place.  They have a conversation over wine and then she tells him to make love to her.  Yeah, I don't think any guy has ever had a girl they just met tell them to make love to them.  But, of course in The Grey Man fashion he proceeds to tell her, and I'm quoting here, "No, Anastasia, it doesn't.  First, I don't make love, I fuck...hard."

He proceeds to get a Non Disclosure Agreement out and has her sign it.  Wow...at this point Steeley deserves to get murdered and her body parts stored in the freezer after ignoring all of these Jefferey Dahmer signs.  But not our Steeley, she signs the contract and then he brings her upstairs to show her the room, which looks like something from "...the sixteenth century and Spanish Inquisition."

And nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Imagination Factor

My first 5 cuff rating.  The imagination for this chapter is off the charts, I dare anyone to bring me proof that a college senior was swept off her feet by a stalker billionaire and flown to a different city in his private helicopter...seriously, good luck.

Wishful Thinking Factor

Another 5 cuff rating, wishful thinking on the author's part.  Again I don't see a billionaire swooping in and picking up any plain Jane woman, besides isn't there only like six billionaires in the world?

Visualization Factor

Three cuffs on this part.  It's the same descriptions all over again, ...blah, blah, hair...blah, blah, lips...blah, blah, mousey...what the hell is mousey anyway?

Pornographic Factor

One cuff...again, besides some subtle hinting at wanting to have sex...nada.  Maybe next chapter, no that she has seen the Medieval Torture Chamber.

High Expectation Factor

Pfffft.  If any normal woman has delusions of grandeur and wants their partner to be like Grey...forget it, unless they win the lottery and get a complete make over, this entire book is filled with high expectations.  Make The Grey Man a beer drinking, pot bellied redneck and then we have a realistic view on things, of course that would make it more like Deliverance I guess.

50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up: Chapter 5

Just in case you forgot who might be in the role of Steeley...

My humble apologies, I have not given a chapter report in quite some time...nah, fuck it, I take that back, if I didn't make a commitment and promise to my readers I wouldn't be reading this frickin' book and besides I covered my ass in the original post about 50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up, by being crystal clear that if I had other things to write about, they would trump this.  So back...the...fuck...up.

Ahem, anyway, sorry for that, I'm calm now (thank you Hermione).  In reality I completed chapter 5 about a month ago but alas, refer to the first paragraph.  So, to catch up, Steeley gets obliterated at a club, the Grey Man swoops in and rescues her from the clutches of the evil Jose, there's puke everywhere and she passes out....oh and still no sex.

Steely wakes up in an unfamiliar yet familiar room wearing nothing but a t-shirt, bra and panties.  It's the hotel room of the Grey Man.  He walks in and she turns all goopy again dripping with pussy juice (hey, I needed to make it somewhat interesting).  She interrogates him and the who, where and why of how she got there and of course the question is asked if they had sex and of course it turns out, they didn't..holy shit Batman, you're kidding me (end sarcasm).  She also scolds him for the Spy vs. Spy intel phone tracking too, come to find out any Joe Schmoe can get the software on the internet.....riiiiight.

So after the interrogation and scolding, he refers to himself as Batman, well the Dark Knight, well A dark knight and he also makes reference to her being his property.  CLANG!  CLANG!  CLANG! Psycho alert!  Get the fuck out!  He showers, then she showers and the author makes a semi, close reference to Steeley playing with herself in the shower, close...by like a mile.  She gets out and there are new clothes for her.

He orders breakfast for her, continues to control her, while at the same time hitting on her.  You sly dog Grey Man, you sly dog.  So after some sexual tension and flirty banter between the two of them he springs the "contract" or "written consent" on her.  Holy fuckballs, this guys is giving more bad vibes off than a serial rapist.  He also keeps flaunting his wealth, proof once again some women are gold digging whores...just saying.

The Grey Man confides in her that they did sleep together the night before, finally sex!  Nope, they SLEPT, like close your eyes and start snoring slept together.  They head down to the elevator and get in it.  BAM!  He can't control himself now, he lunges on her and pushes her up against the wall and they....kiss.  Oh and the word erection gets thrown in there as well.  Maybe, just maybe next chapter will have some sort of vividness to it.  I'm not holding my breath though.

Imagination Factor











Again, I was tempted to not put a cuff rating on this one.  No imagination at all, I mean who hasn't waken up in a strange place with nothing but their skivvies on?

Wishful Thinking Factor

 







One cuff, nothing wishful on this one.  This is all too realistic and sucky.

Visualization Factor

The best part of this chapter, you do get a little visualization of Steeley's shower scene, again for some reason the author is focusing on the Grey Man

Pornographic Factor

With the exception of the shower scene and the elevator sentences, it was not pornographic at all.  But what is it about elevators?

High Expectation Factor

No high expectations from the author, everything was, again, pretty realistic.

Why the hell am I reading this shit again?

Oh yeah, I was promised very descriptive sex scenes....

50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up: Chapter 3

Even Linda got bored with this book!

Chapter 3, holy shit this book is freaking slow...still...no...sex!  If I wasn't committed to this project, I would be pissed that I spent money on this book.  By this chapter I would have thought that the author would have given me something to put in the spank bank.  I mean, I know it was written by a woman for women, but I have read some of the Trophy's Fabio books and those can turn me on.  Any guy who buys this book for his wife/girlfriend/mistress/significant other better hop on the interweb and put some deposits into your spank bank, it's going to be a while before her panties get damp.

Anyway, as promised, here is the general gist of chapter 3....

So Steeley finally calls Double K to let her know that the Grey Man has accepted the invitation for the photo shoot and of course Double K wants to know what hes doing in town, what he's doing in the hardware store and why he's wearing the FUCKING STUPID sweater and walking boots (well not really, but I want to know why he is wearing stupid things like that).

The author throws another lame name out, Levi...like the jeans...but he never plays a roll in this chapter, they decide on Jose for their photographer, who is reluctant to do it because he sucks he only shoots places.  In the meantime the store owner's relative, Paul, asks Steeley on a date and she says no.  I bet Paul is a really nice guy and Steeley is saying no because she is all hot and bothered over the Grey Man, but I'm getting ahead of myself.  The author once again leaves the details to Hermione Steeley but gets more into the detail of Double KK.  It still seems to me that the author is hiding a tidbit of info here and Steeley and Double K are in fact trial lesbians, but that's just me.

The author makes reference to Steeley's cell phone and how Double K "snaps my cell phone off."....really?  Who has a flip phone anymore?  You would think that with the unreality of driving a Mercedes, going to a major college in the Northwest Steeley would at least have a BlackBerry.  Anyway, in this chapter the author gets into a lot more detail about the Grey Man, mentioning his voice several times and it starts to become clear that Steeley wants the Grey Man....bad.

Steeley has another dream, more vivid than the last one.  This time it is about smokey gray eyes, coveralls, long legs, long fingers and "dark, dark unexplored places."  She awakens and the group containing Steeley, Double K, Jose and Travis (really??) travel to a posh hotel like the gang from Scooby Doo driving in the Mystery Machine...like zoinks Scoob!  Oh, Travis is Jose's "gopher".  So Double K makes arrangements to use a suite for the photo shoot and enters Grey Man.

Steeley creams herself at the sight of him...well not really but she is taken aback by his "white shirt, open at the collar, and gray flannel pants that hang from his hips."  She also notices his "unruly hair is still damp from a shower." and her "mouth goes dry looking at him...he's so freaking hot."  Oh, she also refers to Double K as Mistress...another nail in the lesbian coffin if you ask me.  So everyone exchanges pleasantries and the photo shoot happens without a hitch (in case anyone was curious).

After the photo shoot, the Grey Man asks Steeley for a coffee and (blah, blah, blah, fast forward through the friend's warnings) she accepts.  Now I've been in really nice hotels and some not so nice motels, every place had coffee in the lobby or at the restaurant...I guess not this one though, he decides to go down a few blocks to what I can only assume is a place like Starbucks.  This is the Northwest after all, didn't coffee become famous here or something like that, kind of like Kurt Cobain minus the shot to the head...too soon?

Walking to the coffee shop he holds her hand....wait, what?  I've been on a few first dates and I never thought about touching...well acted upon my thoughts of touching the girl, let alone holding hands, my hands would be sweaty from being nervous.  So they get to the coffee shop and she orders an (wait for it) English Breakfast tea....with the bag out.  No way!  An English author is making the lead character drink tea?  Well one think we know is that Steeley likes to be tea bagged.  While in line she admires the Grey Man and the author (again) gives detailed description of him and his hair.  Of course he orders some sort of foofy coffee where the barista makes a design in the foam...go figure.

To wrap up the chapter, they walk back to Double K's Mercedes where Steeley gets all flustered and almost gets herself run over by a cyclist.  Well Jesus Steeley, you should have been paying more attention to your surrounding than to the Grey Man, didn't you learn anything from Batman Begins?  Well the Grey Man swoops in a saves her life and the embrace and she thinks to herself that she wants to be kissed....uh oh, looks like something's brewing here and it's not the coffee at the coffee shop.

Imagination Factor

I gave one cuff for imagination...again.  It's really not an imaginative story at all.

Wishful Thinking Factor

My first cuff rating over three....this chapter is pretty much wishful thinking, 9 times out of 10 you are not going to go to a fancy hotel, you are not going to be asked out on a coffee date by a multimillionaire, it's just not going to happen.  Maybe if it was 1 AM at a local bar, you could be asked to go to a Dunkin' Donuts by a mutilhundredaire (new word for Webster).

Visualization Factor

I gave five cuffs for the visualization factor.  The author is getting more descriptive with everything...except Steeley.  Dammit, I still need to picture her as first year Hermione...maybe I can bump it up to Deathly Hallows Hermione, quick someone send me a picture of Emma Watson in a bikini or something.

Pornographic Factor

One cuff, unless you count the photo shoot where you could almost visualize a director setting up a porn move, nothing...if anything it is more of a romance story than a literotica novel.

High Expectation Factor

The high expectation that the author is putting on men is in fact pretty high.  The first date scenario is blown out of the water in this chapter, unless, again, you are a multimillionaire, playboy, adventurist.  Now women will expect to be swept off their feet at a posh hotel and to be saved like a damsel in distress.

Not yet...

50 Shades of Shut the F@%k Up: Chapter 2

Yup, so far this sums it up...

OK, so I made it through the second chapter and to my dismay, Steeley and Double K do not engage in some crazy college chick sex, but let me start at the begining....

Steeley leaves the super incredible Grey tower and head back to Oregon.  She seems to be smitten horned up by the Grey Man.  The whole ride back she keeps replaying the situation in her head and surprisingly no self pleasuration while driving....

Steeley gets back to the apartment, which we find out Double K's parents bought for her and Steeley is mooching off of her well to do friend.  Double K is sitting, obviously feeling much better, it's amazing what a few hours can do, Double K should have gone to the interview herself and then this book would have never been written.  Anyway, they get into a little roommate/best friend scuffle about the Grey Man and how Steeley should have been better armed with information.

Jumping around like a Mexican space shuttle, the author jumps to Steeley's workplace a hardware store....a hardware store??  Sure, why the hell not, most college chicks work at a hardware store, makes sense to me.  And then BAM, just like that she's bake home with Double K, holy bounce house Batman!

So Double K listens to the interview and deduces that Steeley's panties were getting moist for the Grey Man, Steeley denies it and they scuffle again....still no lesbian action.  Steeley makes Double K a sandwich and then goes to bed.  She has a conversation with her mom who, like all mom's do, senses something is wrong and tries to get the info out of Steeley.  Then her friend Jose shows up and invites them the an art show...which I'm sure will play into the story later on.

Back at the hardware store, Steeley is having a rough day because it is busy.  Oh, wait, what's this?  She looks up and sees the Grey Man...no way!  THAT caught me by surprise, I totally wasn't expecting that to happen .  He's dressed like every other regular guy dresses, a "cream chunky-knit sweater, jeans, and walking boots".  What the fuck man?  No guy dresses like that and what the hell are walking boots??

Guess what?  He asks for certain items...ohhhh the suspense is killing me.  He starts off with cable ties...yup cable ties, chances are he is not organizing the cluster of wires behind his computer if you catch my drift.  The second item is masking tape.  Masking tape?  I would have thought duct tape, isn't that what they use in those bondage videos I've seen...er, people tell me about?  The third and final item is rope...yup rope.  Well, gosh, gee, wilikers, what are you gonna use the rope for Grey Man?  The three items he purchases are enough to start a sick mind wandering, despite knowing what Steeley looks like.

Wrapping up the chapter, Steeley and the Grey Man are flirting undressing each other and Steeley suggests doing a photo shoot for the school newspaper and he agrees.  The last page of the chapter sums up ho she REALLY feels, "...leaving me a quivering mass of raging female hormones."  She admits to herself that she likes him and now we wait for chapter 3.

Imagination Factor

Yeah, nothing to really imagine, except what the hell does Steeley look like???

Wishful Thinking Factor

This chapter is pretty realistic, nothing crazy except for the purchases from the Grey Man...seriously?

Visualization Factor

The author seems to explain what everything looks like....except Steeley!!!

Pornographic Factor

I gave two cuffs for this chapter only because of the purchases and the fact that at the end of the chapter Steeley was puddling up from the Grey Man.

High Expectation Factor

No high expectations that I saw, except for the chunky-knit sweater....sorry no self respecting guy is going to wear a cream colored, chunky-knit sweater.

So on a side note, I heard on the radio today that when and if the 50 Shades movie comes out, they are looking at Emma Watson to play Steeley.  Man, that is just going to tarnish my view of Hermione Granger....

Oh, Grey Man, you turn me into raging female Hermiones....get it?