Just Shut The Hell Up!

...is what you want to say.

If you're not a parent then this is one of those posts that will stop you from having kids, kind of like my going out to dinner post.  If you are a parent and most of you are who read this you can probably relate.

"Hi honey, how was your day?"

"Not bad, I was able to,,,"

"Mom!  Look what I can do!"

"What was that dear, you were able to...?"

"I was saying, I was able..."

"Dad!  Did you know you can pull spaghetti out of your nose?"

"As I was saying..."

"Mom!  #2 just peed on the flowers again!"

"Fuck it, I'll tell you in 16 years how my day was."

Kids...they have no concept of conversation.  They either interrupt you with some babble about something you really don't give a shit about like the rare Pokemon card that he has called Flickaturd or whatever the fuck it is or they develop a version of tourettes.

It doesn't matter the age either, 1-13 it's all the same, kids are attention whores.  You and the Trophy could be sitting on the couch for 2 hours reading a book or Fakebooking, not saying a word to each other and the Minions are all in their rooms playing or whatever they do behind closed doors and it happens:

"Oh, you'll never guess who I ran into today."

"Mom, Dad!  I can't get this Lego to fit!"

What the fuck!  It's uncanny.  First of all, whoever bought them Mega Blocks AND Legos for their birthday needs to get a brick firmly implanted in their rectum because those DO NOT work together and second of all, how do they know when we start talking?  Damn them and their Vulcan hearing.

Then you have the non-interrupting scenario or Non-interruptus-maximus as I call it.  You're driving to the store with one of them (because that's how I roll, divide and conquer) and they are going on and on and on and on about something you have no clue about.

"Dad, did you see my Squinkies?"

"Huh, what the fuck is a Squinkie?", is what you're thinking but can't say it so you play into it.
"Oh yeah buddy, they are cool!", thinking that will end the conversation...wrong.

"Yeah I have bunch of them, maybe even a gazillion!  They are really small so Mom says not to stick them up my nose or in my ears because they will get stuck and we can't afford another $300 bill from the hospital like last time I put the Mega Block in my ear, remember that Dad?  I have Iron Man, Spider Man, Kick-A-Jew, Lightning McQueen, Superman, Bakugan, Mighty Mouse, ummm, oh yeah and I have this case I keep them in so I don't loose them because Mom says...."

They just keep droning on until it eventually becomes a consistent buzzing of a fly or that humming you hear driving down the road with the radio off,

When the Trophy and I talk to other people, especially people without kids, some how the conversation always turns to bedtime for the Minions.  When we tell them that's our favorite time of day, they look at us like we just clubbed a baby seal over the head.

"What?  Don't you cherish your time with your children?"

Hmmmm, let me think about that one...95% of the time, yes I do.  The other 5% I want to drop kick them through the picture window and bedtime can't come fast enough.  The we can't put the Minions to bed quick enough some nights (OK most nights) because we want what all parents crave....

Quiet.

There is nothing better than putting the Minions to bed and sitting on the couch and listening to...nothing.  Nothing at all, no TV, no music, no phones, nothing.  It's awesome.

If you'll excuse me I have to go listen to...not a damn thing.

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All By Myself

The Trophy makes a pilgrimage three times a year to New York with the Minions to visit her sister, February vacation, sometime in the summer and Columbus Day Weekend and I get to have a nice quiet house all to myself...well all to myself, the dog and two cats, but they are quiet for the most part.

They headed out Friday afternoon as soon as the Minions got off the bus, just in time to hit traffic in the dreaded city of Hartford.  I don't envy her at all, I've made the three plus hour trip several times, there is no easy way to get there.  In fact the only thing I envy is that I don't have the ability to do that, working six days a week an all, I need to be choosy with my time off.

So, for the next 72 hours I am a bachelor.  Each time they make the trek down there, my friends always ask what I am going to do when they're gone and I usually just tell them nothing and that it is boring.  There is some truth to that, it does get boring after a day or so, but I can live with that because it's quiet.  I do different things each time they go down there so it's hard to let me friends know what I do.  Well, this time, I actually know what I am going to do this weekend seeing that I have the house all to myself.

I am going to come home from work and sit for a few minutes and take in the quietness.  I am going to listen to the sounds of the house that I can't hear with the "MINE!", "GIMME THAT!" and "IT'S NOT FAIR!" screams resonating through the house.

I am going to take a shit without having a squadron of Stormtroopers keeping guard at the sink watching my every push or having to share the bathroom with the new cat and even have the door open.

I am going to replace the Capri-Suns in the fridge with beer.  I am going to have a friend over to help me drink that beer, so I can go and get more beer.

I am going to lay on the couch.  I never get to lay on the couch because the Minions usually keep vigil in the three spots watching TV.  They look like the Hear No, See No and Speak No Evil pictures.

I am going to adjust the surround sound and watch The Avengers and The Star Wars Saga on maximum volume with the sub-woofer set to the highest level.  I want to feel the explosion on the Death Star and hear Iron Man fly in from behind me.

I am going to order a Pu-Pu platter and an order of fried rice from the Chinese restaurant down the street and eat the whole order by myself....without the little panhandlers begging for scraps.

I am going to go out to a bar Saturday night with a friend.  At this bar I will not have to ask for a kid's menu or ask the server for crayons.  I am going to order buffalo wings the way I like them...fucking burning.

I am going to sleep in the middle of the bed.  I am going to do this not because I can, but because our mattress sucks and if there isn't two of us sleeping in the bed, you literally slide off the side of the bed.

I am going to sleep in on Sunday, I won't have to hear the knock, knock, knock at 6:30 AM.  Now to be fair when I say I am going to sleep in, I mean I will sleep until 8 AM so don't get excited.

I am going to help out my Cub Scout Pack sell popcorn on Sunday morning and not have to worry about two of my Minions who are in the Pack.  If a kid acts up, I know his parent is right there and I can sit back and smile.

I am going to spend my Sunday afternoon puttering around the garage, organizing and cleaning it.  I can do this without the three Minions trailing behind me, making a mess quicker than I can clean.

There, now my friends can know what I am going to do this weekend, oh and my phone will be off too.