Inbred, Cornfed

We all know the whole joke in the Star Wars galaxy what if Luke and Leia actually hooked up right?  Brother and sister bow-chicka-wow-wow is no good and even if some people say if they did hook up the offspring could have been the most powerful Jedi known.  The problem is, he/she could have been the most powerful Jedi known but cross eyed and with twelve fingers and that's just not right so thank the Maker that Luke and Leia never hooked up.

Now here in the real world we have a similar situation in Cincinnati, Ohio, just with rhinoceroses-es-es (fuck it, rhinos).  There seems to be a severe decline in the Sumatran species and there are only a few left in the world.  This brings up a good point, don't be douches and go hunting just because.  I get hunting for food and I appreciate a good venison stew but don't kill something just for one little piece of the animal, like the horn which I highly doubt is an aphrodisiac anyway, I mean ouch, where would you stick that thing?

No, the problem lies in the fact that a zoo in Cincinnati is going to attempt to breed or should I say inbreed rhinos.  Harapan (the male) is being brought in from the Los Angeles Zoo to meet Suci, his sister in hopes they find each other attractive.  The ultimate goal is to have these two mate and start to repopulate the rhino world.  According to the story I read at Huffington Post, which you can find HERE, just because they are brother and sister doesn't necessarily mean the offspring will be drooling and look like they came from the Appalachian mountains (I should apologize for any of my readers who live in the Appalachian mountains, but I don't have to, they don't have internet let alone know how to read, so they will never see this).

So, brother and sister aside, how does one get rhinos to get all freaky?  In the story they say it is very difficult to mate rhinos because they like solitary conditions, so what do you do to make sure the rhinos get the nasty on?  What kind of mood music do they like to get them all horned up?  See what I did there?  Horned up...rhinos...it's funny.  In the human world you put on some Barry White or Devo and away we go.  What you don't get turned on by Whip It?  Just me?  Maybe the rhinos like a little Celine Dion or maybe Two Live Crew gets them going, who knows, but I can imagine that it would be a long process to figure out which music puts them in the mood.

You're reading and then BAM!  rhinos fucking.

What if the brother saunters in and looks at the sister and thinks "What an ugly bitch?"  Do you show him some National Geographic videos of rhinos getting it on?  You know, rhino porn.  While he's in the cage you put the DVD in and show him some freaky deaky rhino porn on the 60" plasma.  That may not even work either, what if the sister is a lesbian or the brother has a bromance?  The Sumatran species is fucked because the fate of their population lies in the nether regions of gay rhinos.  Not good.

OK, let's say that the rhino porn, Eddie Money music and a candle light dinner worked and Harapan (would have made a fantastic name for the new royal baby) and Suci (who the hell cares about the royal baby anyway, people have kids all the time) start going at it doggie rhino style and after a few minutes (even rhinos have performance issue) the sandwiches are made and the deed is done but it doesn't take.  They try it again and again and again but still nothing...poor Hara can't produce the goods.  Now they result to other measures and who is the poor soul who has to go get a sample from the rhino, no matter who you are you will forever be known as the fluffer of the rhino world.  Gross.

Obscure reference...

The last I heard this has not happened quite yet so with bated breath we wait to see how Harapan and Suci like their new incestial  relationship. 

S.I.N.G.L.E.

Stay Intoxicated Nightly Get Laid Everyday - Jeff Foxworthy

Almost every summer the Trophy and the Minions pack up and head down to New York to visit relatives and they are usually gone for about a week.  This time it's a little longer due to that whole "walking around in a bra, at night, in New York City" breast cancer benefit...which by the way I am extremely proud of the Trophy and thanks to several of my readers made her goal and successfully completed the 26.2 miles.  They took off last Friday and will be returning on Saturday and I know what you are thinking....

You have the whole house to yourself with no Minions and Trophy?   You lucky bastard you. 

Yeah not so much.  Don't get me wrong the first 36-48 hours is great, the house is quiet, there are no Minion battles, I can watch anything I want on TV, just chill out and relax and well be a bachelor.  But then I get lonely, seriously I get lonely.  After 14 years being married and almost 10 years having at least one Minion around, you get comfortable with the noise and distractions that come along with it.  It's hard to sleep at night because you are so used to having that second body in the bed...I mean 14 years of balancing the bed out and now I need to sleep in the middle so I don't roll into one of the divots that our bodies have created.

Then there's the silence, at first, like the rest of the bachelor time it's awesome but then it becomes eerie very quickly.  You don't realize the freaky noises the appliances make or the the creaks that your 200 year old house can create.  You don't hear them because there are three Minions being loud all the time.  It's things like that, that make me miss the Trophy and Minions each time.  I miss their laughter and fighting, I miss the Trophy telling me to go teach the boys how to wash and that is how I know I could never be single again.

This time around they left rather hastily, leaving me with not a whole heck of a lot of food in the house.  Sure I could live off of Ramen Noodles and cereal, I've done that before but I'm older now and I like to have real food so I went grocery shopping...by myself...without a list.  This used to be a Friday night fun time for me when I was single, I would spend hours in the grocery store looking at everything and wondering how it would taste with beer or whiskey but now, forget it.  I went into the store and wandered around for an hour trying to remember what I wanted to get and don't get me started on the people...holy shit they piss me off.  Learn how to steer a grocery cart for shit's sake!  I ended up getting essentials for my lunches and some frozen dinners.

When I was single I had the neatest apartment (which was upstairs in my parent's house), I would make sure everything was put away just in case of, well you know...bow-chicka-wow-wow.  As I got older I have decided that I don't need to impress anyone and I don't have to live with a ton of stuff, especially since I got married.  If I haven't used something in over six months, I don't need it.  So when it comes to doing dishes or laundry I am doing theirs from last week and now I have barely any because I don't need a ton of clothes to wear or need to dirty a bazillion dishes.

Then lastly there is the drive home from work.  I don't know how single 30 somethings do it.  Sure, back in my late teens and early 20s I lived alone (kinda) but I didn't always go home right away, I had friends I would stop at and have a few beers with and home was a place to sleep.  It hit me tonight driving home to an empty house, this sucks.  I can't even fathom how others do it on a regular basis.  I need to attack of the Minions when I open the door, I need the smell of supper cooking when I get home and I need to commotion of everything happening at once.

I just can't do it, I will be married forever and ever.just because I can't handle being single again...and that I love the Trophy/

You Have Made Me Very Desperate

Have you ever had one of those days?  Well today was not one of those days, it was going pretty well actually other than the bazillion degree weather that we still have going on, the Swass Meter is on a ten and the Gold Bond is stock piled.

Nope today was going rather well, I even did my good deed today and donated platelets, that's an interesting process by the way if you have never done it.  I guess I'm a vampire's wet dream with my blood, it's the most popular and my platelet count is triple of the normal person...anyway, I didn't come here today to tell you that, I came here to tell you that Dunkin' Donuts had made me desperate...VERY desperate.

Throughout the normal day to day process I frequent public restrooms to do my business, sometimes it's from the front sometimes it's from the back end, either way I use them every day.  When entering a public restroom, whether a fast food restaurant or a gas station there are some rules you need to follow:

1. Knock first.  I've made that mistake and some old, ball sagging dude was taking his morning post-black coffee dump and that is an image I can't scrub out even with bleach.
2. Check to see if you're alone.  Especially if you need to drop a deuce.  Most of the time I don't give a rat's patootie if I "offend" someone with  my stench but you need need to plan your pushes accordingly.  If it's empty you're good, if someone is in there you need to wait for their flush or the hand dryer to mask the sounds.
3. Last, check to see if there is toilet paper...and that my friends is where I went wrong today at Dunkin' Donuts.

I knocked on the door, entered the restroom and assumed the position.  I just forgot the third rule.  I pinched it off and reached for the elusive white paper.  PSYCHE!  The double roll holder was empty...vacant of TP...void of royal paper...in other words Dunkin' Donuts didn't fill the fucking toilet paper holder!  Son of a bitches!

NOT the actual culprit.

Now, I have been in this situation before, granted it was in a latrine in the woods but I have been in this situation before.  The first thing I searched for was paper towels...dammit!  They went green and environmentally friendly with a air dryer (which never work except for the Dyson that slices your hands off).  OK, so no alternative paper products.

Plan C, which is one of the reasons I carry a pocket knife with me at all times (I told you I've been in this situation before).  Long story short I am one pair of underwear less in my collection.  Desperate times call for desperate measures and Dunkin' Donuts, you made me very desperate.  However, if you're in a pinch Hanes briefs make a fantastic substitute for traditional toilet paper.

Plan C