Lady Products In The A To Z Challenge

Sometimes, you have to dig back in the archives to come up with something that fits into Adulthood...

Once I again I found myself racking my brain today, searching for something to write about for the letter of the day.  For those of you keeping score today's letter is the letter L.  I can only imagine that some people who are reading this would say, "Kevin, you're full of shit, all you have to do is pick something that starts with the letter of that day and write about it."  Au contraire my little minion, it is not that simple for someone like me.  If you were able to crawl into what people call my brain, you will find a complex working mechanism of such magnitude you wouldn't be able to comprehend what is going on....in other words, my musing of certain topics has to strike me and it needs to be something I find interesting.  I can't just choose something like a Lion, Linkedin, Lowes, Lady Gaga or LL Bean.  It needs to make me stop and think, "Huh, that would be something to spread my brain droppings on."

So, as I was saying, I was having a hell of a time coming up with anything worth while to write about and then it hit me, mid-stream, taking a leak.  Staring me in the face a mountain of super absorbent Lady Products.

Mount Leaky Cauldron.

Holy shit!  Do you guys really leak that bad?  There's tampons, pads, super pads, panty liners and on and on.  Thank the maker I have three boys, I don't know what I would do if there was another girl in the house...well I take that back, there are three girls in the house but two of them are covered in fur.  Obviously my wife had gone shopping and stocked up.....I hope....I try to avoid the topic when the moon rises above the misty clouds and the planets line up once a month.  I was curious now, why so many different items to, um, er, use on your chooch?  So I took a closer look.....

The same instructions were on my BB gun.

What the fuck is that?  1. Ready 2.Click 3.Go!?????  What the hell are you doing?  It looks like arming one of those dart guns you see the Aborigines running around with, does it really shoot up there?  Also....full size protection, only CUTER?  No offense to the ladies, but what is so cute about a Vampire's teabag?  Oh look....there's a website...let's take a look shall we?

O_o (it called for one of those emoticons)  I am at a loss for words, this one website should have a warning on it saying "If you have a penis, go the fuck away!"  I'll leave the looking up to you, but again THANK THE MAKER, I DON'T HAVE A GIRL!  Did you know there is a Tampax Training Camp?  You do now!  This website eliminates the whole mom/daughter talk.....

Yeah, I didn't even want to know about waxing.

Whoa....and I thought men's razors were complicated...you guys have a razor for every part of your body part you shave.  Legs, armpits, bikini area.....there's a separate razor for all of them???  No wonder I'm broke.

I had to look elsewhere in the bathroom, areas I never venture to.  You see we have two medicine cabinets and two sets of drawers, you know, his and hers.  I opened up her medicine cabinet, nothing out of the ordinary, I opened her set of drawers, nothing major, then I looked under the sink.....

Like I said, she owns stock in Bath and Body Works.....

With the exception of the Suave 2 in 1 shampoo (which we use for the boys) my wife owns stock in the Bath and Body Works Company.  Every scent imaginable, peach, apple, mango, cucumber melon, some hippie stink, sweet pea.....and on and on and on.  I think I am going to go to the mall and see if I can purchase one of those aprons they wear at the Bath and Body Works and give it to my wife.  She probably has more product knowledge than those who work there.

What does this stink like?  Cow patties and hay?

 Now, before anyone calls me an asshole or a dick for exploiting my wife's products, I asked her straight up for permission before I did this post, she said no problem...and that my friends is why I love her.

***Yes, another blast from the past...sue me.

Kids In The A To Z Challenge

Yeah, I'm copping out on this one...first it's a day late and second we've been balls to the walls with birthday parties and Cub Scout events this weekend, so the letter K is for Kids which is my excuse and a very good one, especially if you have more than one...you know...

Junk In The A To Z Challenge

Junk, the final frontier..or something like that.  Today is the letter J in the A to Z Challenge and I chose junk for the journey into Adulthood.  When I was younger I grew up with junk in our yard.  No it wasn't a junk yard but my Dad collected stuff over the years.  We had a car frame, old lawn mowers and other random things that my Dad thought he should keep...just in case.  Growing up I was a minimalist because I didn't want to be the junk guy when I got older.  Quick story, picture this...Christmas 1997, we had family over for Christmas dinner and were in the middle of prepping, that's when it happened.

The faucet in the kitchen broke.  Like it fell the fuck off and water was spraying out of the cold water handle.  After scrambling to shut to water off, my Dad made an announcement.

"I'll be right back, I'm going to fix the sink."

And with that he put his coat and boots on and headed off into the woods.  Now to a normal person, this would seem very, very odd, but to anyone who knew my Dad, you wouldn't think twice, so we all sat in the living room and waited.  All of a sudden the front door opens and in walks in my Dad...empty handed.

"Someone stole my good sink I had in the woods, but that's OK because I found my other sink and here's a handle for the kitchen sink."

Yup, because of and old sink laying in the woods, my Dad saved Christmas like some sort of Sanford and Sons Santa Claus.

I told you that story to tell you that as the years have gone on, I have changed and am starting to turn into my Dad.  No, I'm not going to save Christmas by going into the woods and getting a sink handle, but if anyone needs a brad new 1989 Panasonic word processor...I'm your man.

Infomercials In The A To Z Challenge

It's funny how things change as you get deeper in Adulthood.  Cars, bravery, your body and TV.  Yes, TV.  Letter I today is about infomercials  You know those annoying 30 minute long commercials where the spokesman yells at you to buy his item?  They show you how the product is used, what you can do with the product, how durable the product is and then they end with the classic "act now and we'll double your order and throw in the super penis pump for free!  All you do is pay processing and handling."  Of course there's the big disclaimer, NOT SOLD IN STORES!  Then you go to Walmart and they have a section dedicated to "As Seen On TV" items.

I don't understand why anyone would purchase these items...well at least I didn't understand.  Whenever these came on, usually late at night, when I was younger, my friends and I would laugh our asses off and mock them.  We would wonder why anyone would want to spend their hard earned money on the "Super No Stick Egg Pan" and who came up with these stupid ideas.  Then I entered Adulthood.  As I watch these infomercials I think to myself, "Hey, I could use that (fill in the blank) around the house, it would be really handy.

Here are a few items that I have purchased or am contemplating purchasing from infomercials:

The Magic Bullet.  I have this item.  I bought it with the hopes that it could do all of what was advertised and then some.  This thing looked like a much needed kitchen device, you could make juice, chop veggies anything.  You could shove all of your food that would make a complete turkey dinner in there and make a smoothie!  Not so much, it works decent for mixed drinks but that's about it.

Flex Seal.  I HAVE to have this product.  From what I can see you can seal anything, hell they sealed a screen door and made a boat out of it.  This is amazing!  You can seal up a planter, fix your roof, seal your gutters.  I mean the commercial speaks for itself, I can use this anywhere around my house, the problem is the only place I would need it is on the roof, and I would have to buy a shit-ton cans of this stuff, but the good news is, I can double my offer!

The Pocket Hose.  Holy crap on a cracker!  I don't have to lug the stupid black hose around anymore?  That is awesome!  That is great!  That would be worth getting if I cared to water my lawn...

Stufz and The Perfect Bacon Bowl.  Holy fuck!  Two of my favorite things, bacon and burgers...not just burgers but stuffed burgers!  I WANT this, I need this, I crave these.  Now to convince the Trophy.

I think I should come up with my own infomercial...hmmmm....

Hell On Wheels In The A To Z Challenge

Ah the letter H, and here it is 9:00 PM on Wednesday, I'm a little behind the time but hey, I'm still doing the challenge.

Hell on wheels.  Yeah not so much any more.  I told you all about cars and how they change as you go into Adulthood.  Now it's time to tell you how driving changes as you venture further into Adulthood.  When I first got my license it was pedal to the metal everywhere I went.  Always speeding, always burning out and constantly getting pulled over.  The good news was my Dad was kind of a celebrity in my hometown so I got out of a lot of shit.  I was always breaking my car and having to repair it.  My mechanic loved me.

I was always getting yelled at by neighbors and others for going to fast down the road.  I just didn't care, I had a car to cruise around in.  Then I got older.

Now I pretty much obey the speed limit...mostly, in Massachusetts the speed limit is a suggestion more than a law so 10 miles above it, you tend not to get bothered.  I don't peel out anymore unless it is snowing and I just don't beat the shit out of my vehicles anymore.  I can't afford them.  Period.

Just the other day, I turned into one of my neighbors and I actually yelled at a teenager who was driving too fast in my neighborhood.  Dammit, I'm old.

Gonads In The A To Z Challenge

The letter G on a rainy Tuesday of the A to Z April Challenge.  This is getting tougher, especially when I have a theme to follow.  I thought about what to do for Adulthood that starts with G.  Growing up?  Nah too easy.  Growing old?  Done that.  Girls?  I've got three male Minions.  Let's go off the chart and talk about Gonads.

Yes, gonads or balls, guts, testicular fortitude, whatever you want to call it, gonads change both physically and emotionally.  No, I'm not going to tell you about gonads hanging too low in the toilet water when taking a dump, I'm talking about "You've got some serious gonads to attempt to do that" gonads.

As I venture on into Adulthood I find myself becoming less and less brave.  There's reasons for this, the first is that my body just isn't what it used to be.  Yes, I've gained weight but I've always have been fluffy, what I'm saying is my joints and bones are not quite a forgiving as they were 15 years ago.  Now I will assess the situation to make sure I'm not going to hurt myself before I do it.  In the past, head first down a natural rock formation water slide was no worry for me, I had gonads.

Here's a perfect story about how having gonads changes as you get into Adulthood.  The other day Minion #2 and myself went for a hike in a local state park in town.  This isn't out of the norm for us, we love hiking and it was a beautiful spring day.  The state park we went too was flooded into the middle of the parking lot like it is almost every spring, they release the dam and the water shed flows down the river, etc.  We went to check it out first and #2 said, "That would be awesome to go kayaking in, you could kayak all around the campground."  You know what, he had a valid point...until I assessed the situation.

The me of the past would have scooped him up, driving home, loaded the kayak, driving back to the park, strapped him ONTO the kayak with me paddling and would have spent the day exploring the park that is flooded.  But, as I looked at the flooded area, I thought about stumps, beavers, fallen trees, fast flowing water, ice chunks and more, so I quickly deemed it unsafe and #2 looked at me like, "Can you go home and get your balls off the shelf so we can do something?"

We originally came to go hiking, so away we went down one of our favorite trails.  We came to the second of two bridges and noticed it was 1/2 under water, not too deep but it was under water none-the-less.  We started to cross it until I realized that as we put weight on it, the water got deeper.  Again, the me of old would have trudged through the water on the bridge and kept going, but I didn't want wet feet.  I'm such a pussy lately...

Minion #2 noticed there was a short log across the stream we could use to cross, so against my better judgement we did...because after assessing the situation, it looked safe and it was, we crossed no problem but then we had to climb the snow covered hill in front of us.  At this point I told #2, we should turn around because he would slip and fall down the big hill and somehow, he convinced me otherwise.  So up the hill we went, slipping and trudging until we came to the path.  Whew, we made it fairly safe and dry.

Now comes the fun part, as we hiked down the path we noticed it was partially covered in ice from the snow melting and re freezing.  Again I stopped and told him we need to turn back but as I turned around I remembered the hill we just climbed and thought of falling down it, so again, after assessing the situation, we schlepped on.  I will admit it, I was very nervous because of the ice and the long way down.  Minion #2 on the other hand had gonads, we was slipping and falling, sliding and catching himself along the path, while me, the Ball-less Wonder took baby steps and freezing in place in some cases.  15 years ago, eh fuck it!  Let's go!

We it happened.  I slipped on the ice and slid down the mountain and sure enough, I have the injuries to prove it.  No broken bones, but some serious bruising and a damaged ego.  In the past I would have laughed it off and brushed myself off, but now, I continued, limping and whining the whole time.  Now I know why I put my gonads up on the shelf.

Fun In The A To Z Challenge

Ah the letter F in the April A to Z Challenge.  You'd think that this letter would have been one of my favorite subjects and super powers...farting, but nah, I've already done that.  In fact you can ready about it HERE and you can read more bathroom humor HERE (which by the way was published in a book).  Yeah, I could have gone on and on about farting in Adulthood, but instead I touch base on fun.  That's right fun.  So far I've been saying that venturing further into Adulthood isn't fun, well I'm taking it back, it is fun, just fun in a different way.

We you are younger fun meant different things, as a child fun was anything really, you could make a game out of a stick and a leaf.  You spent your time having fun, for the most part.  When you hit teenage years it's a little different but the fun is still there.  Then you get the magic age bracket and you're still having fun, just in a different way.

When I was 21, fun meant hanging out with friends on Friday and Saturday nights, drinking some beers and shooting pool.  Or it could have meant taking your girlfriend out for a fancy Ponderosa buffet dinner in hopes that the all you can eat chicken wings meant you were getting lucky that night.  Maybe a movie was in order or just driving around aimlessly.  Even after I got married, that kind of fun was still there but now...

Hanging out with friends now means going over their house or vice versa with your kids and drinking coffee talking about your latest doctor appointments or the great deal you got at Target.  You chat about the kid's teachers and the after curricular activities they are in.  IF and that's a big IF you drink some beer you have one or two and announce that you shouldn't have anymore because the kids get up early and you have to leave in about 45 minutes.  BUT, it is still fun, because you get adult conversation.

Now taking the Trophy on a date is not an option really, alone anyway.  If it's a date it usually means having the Minions in tow and getting dirty looks for having an adult beverage at dinner with your kids around.  The restaurants are different now, basically anything with a kids menu.  Oh and getting lucky?  Forget it, by the time you get home, chase the Minions into the shower and get them in bed, you're exhausted, BUT it's fun, just in a different way.

Movies take on a whole new meaning now.  First, if you go to the movies, it's not on your terms.  You need to go to the matinee to avoid giving your first born up for a down payment on tickets and it's not a movie you choose to see, it's based off the Minions' choices.  Dragons, Legos, Muppets, Captain America (actually I can't complain about that one), it's not what you necessarily want to see.  The movie snacks are different now too, instead of going to the movie and buying a popcorn and two sodas, it's now sneaking in Dollar Store snacks and sharing a large Diet Coke.  If I got a bonus, we could share a popcorn too.  BUT, it's still fun, you get to spend time with the family.

Don't even bring up driving around aimlessly anymore...do you know how much gas is?  We have mouths to feed and clothes to buy!

Anyway, getting further into Adulthood doesn't always mean it isn't fun, it's just a different kind of fun.

Diet In The A To Z Challenge

The letter D of Adulthood.  Thanks for coming along for the ride, I hope I am keeping you entertained.  Today it's diet.  There are two types of diets that you encounter in Adulthood, there's the diet where you loose the weight you've gained over the winter and then there's the diet of what you eat as you get older.

As I've traveled deeper into Adulthood I find myself changing my diet, no to always loose weight but because I have to.  When I was younger I could eat anything I wanted, sure I gained weight but I could eat and it wouldn't affect me other than that.  Spicy nachos, whiskey, hell I would even drink Tabasco sauce as a dare, no worries.  I could eat burgers, drink milk and enjoy an over abundance of Chinese food without any problems. But now, as I have gotten older in Adulthood, things have changed.

I'm not one to go to the doctors on a regular basis, 1.  I'm not one of those people and 2.  I refuse to pay a $35 co-pay for the sniffles, but when I did go last year she recommended that I change my diet.  The first thing she suggested was to eat more fiber.  I changed doctors immediately after that because she obviously doesn't know me as a patient, just joking.  More fiber?  What does she want me to do blow the planet up?  I asked her why and she told me that with my different poop schedule more fiber would regulate it back to where it was.  Ok...I'll buy that so I ate more fiber...bad mistake.

Come to find out fiber really doesn't make me more regular it makes me fart more, like stink myself out of my truck fart a lot.  It put a fucking turbo charger on the Evenrude.  I stopped the fiber and am dealing with adjusting my pooping schedule.  Crazy doctor.

I get heartburn from water.  Water.  THE most natural substance on earth and it gives me heartburn.  I love water, I will drink water over an other beverage, except beer, any day.  Speaking of beer, I don't get drunk off of beer anymore.  I can't, I don't get it.  I can drink 8 beers and not feel buzzed, bloated like a dead whale carcass but not buzzed.

I am reduced to drinking 1% milk, not because it's better for me but because it tastes better to me.  I used to LOVE whole milk, I would drink that with every meal, it tasted great but over the course of the years, it started to fell thick, so I went to 2% and that started to be same way now I'm at 1%.  I'm fucked if 1% starts tasting funking because there is no way in hell I am going to drink skim milk.  Skim milk?  Might as well pour a glass of water and sprinkle some baby powder in it, and then I'm back to heartburn from water

I still haven't mastered the do and do not food list, it's a work in progress but like all other things I will learn it over time...but man do I miss greasy Chinese food...

Cars In The A To Z Challenge

Day three of the A to Z Challenge and we delve deeper in to Adulthood.  This time it's cars.  I had a car before I had my license but the funny thing is how cars and their requirements change as you head further into Adulthood.  It's like the whole age plateaus, you have birth, then your 6th birthday (real friends party), then 10 (double digits), 13 (you're a teen), 16 (license), 18 (adult), 20 (no longer a teen), 21 (drinking age) and so on.

When I had the chance to purchase my first car the only consideration I had was how cool was it going to be?  I choose a 1978 Ford F-250 that was lifted with 35" mud tires, a 460 engine and Flowmaster exhaust, it was white with a custom hood scoop.  There was only one problem, my parents didn't choose a 1978 Ford F-250 that was lifted with 35" mud tires, a 460 engine and Flowmaster exhaust, it was white with a custom hood scoop so I settled for a 1984 Chevy Cavalier complete with an AM radio, so the whole cool factor flew out the window.

Anyway, that's not the reason for this blog post, the point of this is simple.  When you get your first car it's not what you choose, it's a convenience factor or whatever is in your $800 price range.  Then you get further along and around 18 years old you might have a job so now you can be a little pickier with your car.  I was able to upgrade to a 1990 Dodge Daytona, which is a vehicle that I wanted.  I turned 21 and I wanted my pick up truck so a 1991 Ford F-150 XLT Lariat was on the menu.  See a trend here?  Being young and single you had choices.

Then I got married to the Trophy, which of course is the best thing that ever happened to me.  We were both young so we were able to choose, complete with the cool factor.  The Trophy sported a 1997 Saturn SC1 tricked out with custom 17" wheels, sweet sound system and she was styling...and so was the car.  I had a 1996 Ford Bronco with custom wheels, 302 engine, custom exhaust, and sound system.  Awesome.  We were both still young at the ages 22-23.  Then it happened.....REAL Adulthood.

Full time jobs, no more college and the task of commuting hit us, so the gas guzzler went away and the four cylinder Ford Escort wagon came into play.  I had to consider gas mileage now.  That sucked.  The good news was the Trophy still had her sweet Saturn...until...Minion #1 was conceived.  He went and fucked everything up even before barreling down the sperm slide.

We now needed a four door car with a spacious trunk.  The requirements for a car changed, we needed a car with comfort not sport, space not power.  Then we moved and conceived Minion #2.  Two kids?  Holy hell, we need a bigger vehicle, two kids can't fit in a small car.  We're a growing family, we need an SUV.  Enter the 2006 Chevy Trailblazer.  It had plenty of trunk space for the strollers, more room for both car seats and we were able to hook up a DVD player.  Yup, when you have kids a DVD player in a vehicle is a necessity.  At first we were all "we're better parents, kids don't need a screen in the car" and then we took a road trip to New York and said fuck it, we need out sanity.

We were content with the Trailblazer, it was a great vehicle, decent gas mileage and a comfortable ride.  Then #3 arrived and suddenly the Trailblazer wasn't going to work out with three car seats and the constant bickering of the Minions.  So we went car shopping once again.  Again the requirements changed, a third row was mandatory, all wheel drive for safety and a roof rack to put more crap on top when we went away.  The good news is, we still have that vehicle and we are not planning on getting a new one for a long, long time...why?  Because we have three kids and we don't want four.

Body Parts In The A to Z Challenge

Day 2 and thus the letter B.  As you know from my last post..if you read it..if not read it HERE, my theme for the Blogging From A To Z April Challenge is Adulthood.  Today it's Body Parts, but before I get into the rest of this post I need to address a comment I got from Gossip Girl who writes the blog ~*~Whatever~*~ (which you should read), she wrote "I always thought growing up is optional and not mandatory."  Yes, you are correct my fellow blogger, I subscribe to"Growing Old is Mandatory, Growing Up is Optional."  Being and "AH-dult" to me means getting older, not necessarily growing up (although there is a little growing up needed).

..and they all hurt!

Any way speaking of getting older, body parts, nature's cruel way to tel you that you are getting older.  There are THOUSANDS of parts to the human body, some more, some less but we all have them.  It's funny that (for me anyway) the body parts tell me that I am getting older.  The change, they get stiff, they get un-stiff (NOT ME, the Trophy is very happy in the wrapper), they get sore, they even fall off.  No matter how you cut it body parts are a time bomb.

Take my left shoulder for example, I tore my rotator cuff twice and gave it a hairline fracture...and it fucking kills me every single day of my life.  I have to take two pain relievers in the morning to get rid of the pain and then take two more before I go to bed so I can get some sleep.  I have to stretch my shoulder in the middle of the night because it got stiff from sleeping....from...fucking...sleeping.  I hurt myself sleeping for shit sake!

Then there's my hair.  Luckily I am not going bald but every time look in the mirror I see another gray hair.  It's not that they're there, its the fact that we have these overhead lights in our bathroom that reflects on the gray bastards and makes them shine brighter than Christmas tree.  Talk about 50 Shades of Grey, I have that on my head minus the whole bondage thing.

I creak.  A lot.  It's like my body has turned into an 1800's farm house.  When I wake up the first thing I do is creak.  My knee pops, my neck cracks and don't get me started on my back.  I have to stretch in the shower just so my back doesn't hurt the rest of the day.  Speaking of bathrooms...

I have the walking farts now.  I mean I am the minor deity of flatulence but I never had the walking farts.  I get up in the morning and I sound like I have an Evenrude strapped to my ass all the way to the bathroom.  The good news is I've now primed the pump for the morning turd...

I'm just going to come out and say it, my bowel movement schedule is off now.  I used to shit like clockwork, three times a day...religiously but now it's all out of whack.  I used to poop in the morning after I wake up and before I showered, again between 1:00-1:30 PM and then again at 6:00 PM.  Lately though it's been whenever the prairie dog decides to poke it's head out, it could be anytime for whatever reason and being a creature of habit, I don't like that.

At this point I feel that I have shared too much so I will end the letter B post here.  Come on back tomorrow for the letter C.