Idiot Abroad

This is Karl Plinkington...he's the Idiot Abroad and also reminds me of Nala.

What we have here is the letter I.  I stands for Idiot Abroad.  I honestly do not watch much TV but when I do there are a few shows I do watch, The Big Bang Theory (Goes without saying, I'm a geek), Antiques Roadshow (best reality show EVER) and An Idiot Abroad.

An Idiot Abroad is a show created by Ricky Gervais, who is a genius by the way, where he and his counterpart Stephen Merchant pick different destinations all over the world where normal everyday people would probably never get a chance to visit and send their lackey Karl Plinkington to these destinations.  Sounds like a nice lovely vacation right?  Well there's a catch, once Karl gets sent to these destinations, there is an itinerary set up for him by Ricky.  Karl usually ends up doing things most people have never experienced or would want to experience.  These things can be anything from sumo wrestling to eating goat balls.  If you haven't watch the show catch it on demand or online....it is hilarious!

As I was watching a previous show I got to thinking, Ricky Gervais must have a whole metric butt load of money so he can send Karl anywhere he wants, what would I do if I had an unlimited cash flow to send a friend on these excursions?  Where would I send him?  Who would I send?  What would I have him do?  For anyone who knows me well enough knows that once I start thinking about something it keeps rolling around my melon sized head for days, so here's what I came up with.

Jesus Christ Doc!

Who would I pick to go on these excursions?  Remember Nala?  Yup, he's the one.  Why?  Muahahahahaha!  Because he would be the only one dumb enough to agree to do the things I would have planned.  This is the same person who would do something if you told him he wasn't man enough to do it...but then again I do the same thing.  You really need to know Nala in order to understand the mental stability he has.  He is about as stable as a game of Jenga being played by Michael J. Fox.

Where would I send him and what would I have him do?  Hmmm good question, there are so many choices and great ideas that I have decided to limit it to 5 places....for now.

I can't make this shit up....

1. Montana.  A nice easy flight from Massachusetts.  Why?  Because Montana hosts the biggest Testicle Festival in the world.  In Clinton, MT at the Rock Creek Lodge you will find the Testy Festy held August 1-5 2012.  I would enter him in a few of the contests held this week.  The first would be the Big Ball Contest...yes it is true, it's like a wet t-shirt contest except for guys.  Speaking of wet t-shirts, I would have him be a judge in the 35+ Wet T-Shirt Contest.  Nothing is better than judging droopy boobs.  The final contest I would enter him in would be a toss up between the Ball Eating Contest and the Undie 500.  Both look rather interesting, I would probably lean towards the Undie 500, just for the humiliation aspect, you can eat fried balls anywhere.

When I say I gotta yak...

2.  India.  Yes the country.  Manali to be exact.  Why?  Because they have Yak Skiing.  Yes, Yak Skiing.  This adventure consists of a skier waiting at the bottom of a slope and a yak at the top of the hill; yak and skier are connected by means of a rope going around a pulley at the top of the hill. In order to entice the yak, you are equipped with a bucket of....pony nuts, yup, testicles from a pony.  It seems that pony nuts are the favorite snack of the yak...who knew?  Anyway, the yak comes charging down the hill pulling the skier via pulley up the hill.  Make sure you put the bucket down quickly otherwise you'll be "yakking up pony nuts".  Of course I would make him wear traditional Sherpa garb.

Ah, Phuket, looks painful!

3.  Thailand.  To an island named Phuket.  I am sending Nala there for two reasons 1.  It's called Phuket (I pronounce it fuck it) and 2.  There is a gigantic vegetarian festival where everyone seems to pledge to eat nothing but veggies and pray to 9 different gods at 40 different temples in Phuket.  I will have him participate in some of the ritualistic ceremonies.  Simple you say?  Not so much, the ceremonies consist of Fire walking, body piercing and other acts of self mortification undertaken by participants acting as mediums of the gods. People stab themselves in their cheeks (the northern hemisphere ones) with various items including knives, skewers and other household items.  Don't worry, it is said that the 9 gods will protect you and you won't bleed to death or have any visible scarring.  This is a two-for trip though, while there he can participate in the Phuket Gay Pride Celebration held around the same time.  Phuket, it's all good.

Sure we're not in Phuket?

4.  Japan.  To participate in the Hadaka Matsuri.  Held in Saidaiji, the month of February is a true male bonding experience.  Thousands of men dress up in a mini sumo diapers and roam the streets.  These guys are drunk of their Buddhas from sake.  Their goal? Simple, to find the COMPLETELY naked dude and touch him.  Of course!  That makes complete sense.  That's the second gayest thing I've seen today.  It seems to be good luck over there to grab a naked man's shlong while wearing a mini sumo diaper yourself.  This goes on for a full day and at the stroke (oh bad choice of words) of midnight two sticks are dropped from the top of the shrine and the thousands of men dressed in mini sumo diapers clamor to grab these stick.  Good thing they are grabbing those sticks and not their neighbor's.

I feel like I should be turned on...

5. Spain. Not for the Running of the Bulls, that's over done, but for La Tomatina.  Held in Bunol, this eleven day festival has everything, singing, dancing, parades, greased poles with hams on top and capping the 11 days off with a giant tomato fight.  Hmmmm, I like it.  Nala will participate in this tomato fight after the other festivities.  Again, thousands of people line the streets anticipating the parade of trucks housing tons of tomatoes.  The start if the tomato fight is signaled by the dropping of the ham from the pole. (are we sure we're not in Phuket?)  WHAM! SPLAT! MUSH! Tomatoes fly everywhere covering everyone and everything.  After the fight is over the locals go wash up at the local washing pond (good and disease free of course...) and the streets, buildings and structures are hosed down free from the now ketchup.  From what I hear the acid from the tomatoes make everything very shiny and clean....imagine what it does to your skin!

So there we have the first few episodes of my version of An Idiot Abroad starring my friend Nala.  Anyone have a few million dollars they can spare to make this happen?  Of course I would have to name the show something different, wouldn't want Ricky suing my ass or anything else to it for that matter.

You got it, I am submitting this post for Dude Write once again this week!